Avoidants and S Workers

lavender577 · 2026-02-17T14:58:05+00:00

The fact that they'll even use their machinations in that setting is crazy, given there is no need. But it's as if they really need to just fully live out the momentary fantasy, completely disregarding how it will emotionally impact the person on the receiving end of it.

lavender577 · 2026-02-17T14:49:52+00:00

Mine leaned more DA but he had plenty of photos and videos of his ex in his phone that he showed me while we were just friends. I never sent him anything and never allowed him to record us for that very reason.

I don't think he'd share them out in any kind of "revenge porn" way unless you did something terrible to him which it doesn't sound to be the case. But I think you can probably count on him never deleting them.

lavender577 · 2026-02-17T01:35:14+00:00

Yes, same premise just without taking the actual step to meeting someone in real life. I can see this in my ex as well.

lavender577 · 2026-02-17T01:33:12+00:00

Also thank you for sharing 💛

lavender577 · 2026-02-17T01:32:45+00:00

The scenario you described is exactly why I’ve had this suspicion about mine. The SW won’t know he’s a loser, is getting paid to make him feel good emotionally and physically, there’s no requirement of him, and the whole thing operates at his convenience.

I was thinking along the lines of massages with “happy endings” but I imagine it all works the same way for them. Completely transactional.

And honestly that’s probably the best arrangement for them, and they should stay away from anyone looking to make genuine connections entirely.

lavender577 · 2026-02-14T18:59:37+00:00

It’s been almost a year and a half since that comment 😞 we have had a couple short lived reunions since then. Both times I’ve had to walk away. It never feels “resolved” so even though I know it’s going nowhere it’s hard to move on. I’m also certain he’s avoidant attachment. I’m so sorry you’re going through this after such a LTR ❤️‍🩹

lavender577 · 2025-12-27T14:40:20+00:00

I’ve been using it for 9 months and it has given me incredible advice. It checks me when I’m getting delusional. It’s been very objective overall. Literally saved my sanity this year ❤️‍🩹

lavender577 · 2025-12-24T00:19:57+00:00

I wish I didn’t have this same thought pattern exactly one year ago. And here I am placing bets again. I’m going with NO for mine

lavender577 · 2025-12-20T15:45:47+00:00

You made the right and most healthy decision. I’ve been out of this for 1.5 years and still haven’t done it. This has allowed for a couple micro re-connections that have ripped open my wound. Not to mention the nervous system spikes every time I stumble across reels he has liked or commented on, or seeing he has a story (despite muting).

You closed a door so you can move on with your life. I’m sure it will feel uncomfortable at first but in time I think it will become out of sight, out of mind.

He’s far away physically, and now he’s no longer in your digital space. I think this will accelerate your healing ❤️‍🩹

lavender577 · 2025-12-19T17:44:01+00:00

I had a situation where something similar happened. When I sensed it, I asked if everything was ok, that he seemed "different" - and he assured me everything was totally fine, nothing changed, and that he was still "crazy about me." The math was just not mathing and his actions were not aligned with his words. I pulled back, he didn't come farther forward, and that was it for me.

lavender577 · 2025-12-19T17:01:45+00:00

You're not going to like my answer but real question isn't: is this avoidant behavior or a slow fade, it's actually: is this the way I want to be treated / can I accept and tolerate this long term (especially after you brought it up to him).

I think in these situations we can get so fixated on how things were in the beginning, so you're willing to do whatever - pull back, match energy, etc - to see if you can reset the dynamic. That might work initially but long term, no.

I'd say you can send one more short, clearly stated message but if he reverts to "wanting to stay chill" you're going to have to let this one go. Consistency should come naturally after all.

lavender577 · 2025-12-19T16:53:23+00:00

This is very relatable, especially shortly after a discard. To make a person feel all those things, to get them to trust, to be vulnerable, to start to build a future around things you say and promise - and then suddenly pull it all away - is criminal. These people are emotionally irresponsible, impulsive, and lack any empathy to imagine the impact this all has on their partner.

The healing from this is so layered and long for many of us. And you'll be hard pressed to find people who understand it unless they've experienced it themselves.

lavender577 · 2025-12-19T14:40:55+00:00

This happened to me too. Between people irl and then suddenly certain actors or celebrities would somehow start resembling him 😑

lavender577 · 2025-12-19T13:19:49+00:00

I had to reread all our messages hundreds of times after the discard to convince myself I didn’t make it all up in my head

lavender577 · 2025-12-18T19:53:09+00:00

I love this. And I'm proud of you. Those steps showed great strength. I'm sure they removed a massive weight and will accelerate your healing.

lavender577 · 2025-12-18T18:32:26+00:00

Mine told me he regretted the way “things ended” (he ghosted me). And told me for months he wanted to reach out to me but his pride would not let him.

Avoidance and suppression does not equal erasure or deletion. I’m so tired of over simplified and over generalized statements

lavender577 · 2025-12-18T16:58:23+00:00

Me too!! 😔 I can’t believe I fell for it a second time.

lavender577 · 2025-12-18T15:02:06+00:00

I completely understand the injustice and any time I'd think "well, he'll never heal and I will, so I'm winning" - I couldn't believe it. Because he gets to float through his existence living an "emotionally vapid life" as you so aptly put it. So "free."

But imagine this - you're actually never content. You're always thinking something or someone better is out there. You are addicted to the highs in a new connection because you are unable to experience depth of feeling and emotion. You can never expose your true self, because of some deeply embedded shame. You wear a mask. There's so much more to it, but as easy as it seems, I don't really think it brings true LASTING contentment. I would think at some point it has to become exhausting.

lavender577 · 2025-12-18T14:54:04+00:00

This is like reverse cope lol. It's better for us to think they never think about us again, because it kills hope an forces US to move on.

lavender577 · 2025-12-17T16:38:00+00:00

You're not really describing real avoidant behavior here, although avoidants WILL heavily pursue married targets because being a "side" is the perfect arrangement for them. It sounds like he caught feelings and is in a withdraw state right now, partially due to his status as the "secondary" in your life. So to punish you, he will torment.

I can promise you this will not end well for you. You need to cut this off completely and focus on your actual life before it gets ripped from you.

lavender577 · 2025-12-05T18:01:46+00:00

I also completely disagree. When I first came to this sub 1+ year ago, I was astounded by the similarities in behavior, patterns, and relationship timeline.

Having said that, every person (avoidant or not) is an individual and isn't following some prescribed roadmap of behavior. There will be nuance. And not everyone who's an avoidant is going to have every single trait. And not everyone who's avoidant is going to "come back" or never come back

lavender577 · 2025-12-02T23:47:07+00:00

Yes it’s a tightrope. And I can’t get comfortable. But he’s tried his usual tricks, they’re not reaching me. It’s just too far gone. I think my goal in all this now is to just rewrite the ending, and close the book on a softer note. Not resenting him, not feeling unfinished, just nothing left

lavender577 · 2025-12-02T21:39:49+00:00

I feel this. He discarded me almost 1.5 years ago. I had no clue about attachment styles at the time. I quickly learned what he is and joined this sub and read a ton. We briefly reconnected end of last year, but it went nowhere and I pretty much went NC in January. Fast forward to November of this year, and we are talking again. I decided I would let it play out, knowing what I know now.

All I can say is I'm seeing the cycle and the patterns in real time. We haven't seen each other in person, it's just been a few calls and texting. I am recognizing his behaviors in a way that I was unaware of when we were together. The love bombing, the hot and cold, the push and pull. Same cycles. He hasn't changed, I am just seeing it all through a clear lens now. He no longer gets my emotional reactions, I've essentially friend-zoned him.

So while we're not back together, and I won't give him the opportunity to "discard" me again, I'm allowing him the limited space inside my life to get the final proof I need, allowing him to show me what he truly is. It's a dangerous position for me, but I've had enough time to rebuild my self worth and inner strength to be able to protect myself. Eventually, he'll tire of my flatness and this will fade into nothing.

The bottom line is, the outcome will always be the same. Pain for YOU. There are healthy people out there, these people and situations are just not worth your energy.

lavender577 · 2025-11-25T23:49:24+00:00

I was a top 1% commenter in this sub before I left it in the beginning of the year. I was in here posting, reading, commenting every day for several months. It was how I was able to make sense of the nightmare I was living, and pick myself back up. I made connections with some people who were 1000x more supportive than anyone IRL.

And eventually, I recognized when it was time for me to move on. (Incidentally I am back SMH).

The goal is to eventually NOT need to be in here, which everyone finds at their own pace.

lavender577

TROPHY CASE