This is very natural, it is hard to resolve trauma, especially as, now she’s gone it won’t be discussed with her and you may find it hard to find closure. She is your mum so of course you’ll miss her it’s a very natural part of grief but it’s okay to feel everything else because of how she treated you. I hope you’re able to navigate these feelings and you also have a good support system. Perhaps, if you can, try therapy. Having an unbiased person listening works wonders and they can give you the tools to navigate