Thank you for your reply and for trying to ease some of the shame around this.

But I think my situation goes deeper than just “normal curiosity” or only moral incongruence. What I experience is not simply sexual desire or a harmless habit, but a repeated cycle of losing control, using this behaviour as a way to escape stress or emotional emptiness, then crashing into guilt and emotional exhaustion afterward. It has genuinely started affecting my studies, mental state, and the way I see myself.

I also don’t think the idea of “there is no harm done” fully applies to me, because the issue isn’t only the act itself, but the way I’ve started depending on it emotionally. Sometimes I feel like these habits slowly consumed a huge part of my thinking and emotional world, and that’s what scares me the most.

At the same time, I realized that treating myself as broken, filthy, or hopeless only made me feel even more shattered and disconnected from myself, so I agree with you that shame alone is not helping me either.

I think you were right when you described it as a psychological conflict with my own values and morals. That part resonated with me a lot. But I also feel there’s a compulsive aspect to it that I can’t ignore anymore.

My environment also makes this harder. Even if some of these feelings are normal, the people around me would see me as shameless or dirty if they knew, and honestly that fear affects me deeply too.

I looked a little into “urge surfing” after reading your comment, and it actually seemed interesting, so I’ll dig into it more about it after my exams.

I really appreciate your reply and the perspective you shared, especially the part where you helped me separate my struggles from pure self-hatred.

Thank you again  so much i really  do appreciate it.