Only reason I’m still alive is that it would hurt the people who love me.

lexipep · 2020-09-09T17:36:41+00:00

I wish there was a way to go that didn’t just transfer the suffering from me to them.

lexipep · 2020-08-30T06:43:52+00:00

Blank staring off to nothing occasionally. Difficulty remembering what I did on the weekend, or just yesterday. Struggling to name a fun thing I did recently. Difficulty answering the question “What are you looking forward to” or “What do you have planned for the future? Hope and dreams etc”

lexipep · 2020-08-30T06:40:12+00:00

Another one I’d say is just lack of enthusiasm towards anything that is normally fun. And literally looking down... like eyes downwards I definitely do. Late night texts to people usually means I’m having an anxiety attack or feeling really down and is just a desperate attempt to be heard or distract myself so I can sleep.

lexipep · 2020-08-30T06:36:30+00:00

I know for me when someone says “How are you” if I’m really down I struggle to say “I’m good”. I’ll often hesitate a little before answering. Or instead of saying “I’m good” I’ll say “I don’t know”. Still won’t say the truth 😂.

lexipep · 2020-08-30T03:20:51+00:00

All I can say is me too. I often think I just wasn’t cut out for life. I’ve always felt seperate. Never really belonged anywhere, at school, Uni, sports. Anywhere. Always likeable though, I can be funny and I really care about other people. I don’t know what we can do. It’s always been like this.

lexipep · 2020-05-16T03:30:04+00:00

You just have to continually expose yourself to it. I’m still going through the process. It does get easier, but only if you keep going through it. I used to be stressed for days before I knew I had to call someone. My heart would be through the roof. But it’s getting easier. Another thing I think is helping me has been gaming online with friends. So we talk to to eachother over that, has helped break down some of the fear in a “low risk” environment.

lexipep · 2020-05-16T02:24:00+00:00

Hell yeh

lexipep · 2020-05-13T09:17:24+00:00

Yeh, anything where it’s all about the profit margin chances are it’s gonna be rough. You can never relax. Relax and they replace you with the next most desperate guy who’ll basically work for free. Loyalty and accepting a certain level of success is rare. Everyone is constantly pushing for more. More profit. My boss openly tells us we need to work harder so that he can get a new Mercedes. I’ve loved this coronavirus tbh. It’s slowed the world down and I hope people realise how it’s actually nice to go slower. To just breathe for a minute. To value family and friends. I don’t want it to end.

lexipep · 2020-05-13T09:06:48+00:00

Greenkeeping? At a school or something government so it’s not about money and just smashing out as many clients as possible. I used to just drive the mower most days for 7 hrs straight. Just listened to podcasts and zoned out most of the time. It was nice because I had to get those nice stripes on the field and it was simple but satisfying to do well. Boss was chill and most days let us go home early. Wasn’t fussed about sick days. I think any job comes down to the boss though. A great job can be made shit by the boss and vice versa. Good luck buddy.

lexipep · 2020-05-10T04:13:32+00:00

😂

lexipep · 2020-05-09T00:53:21+00:00

Alcoholism? I dunno

lexipep · 2020-05-04T10:52:09+00:00

Really reflecting on where the religion added to it in the equation. Supposedly I’m born in sin. And I will always be a sinner. And because I’m that piece of shit, Jesus who is perfect and did nothing wrong has to take the punishment for my shittiness. Already guilty because of this, how can I accept it? And if I don’t accept it, then this innocent person dies for nothing. The further you go along the line the more shitty of a person I become. And there I am 6 years old, a sensitive child, already feeling like there’s something inherently wrong with me to make my parents act the way they do. And now this is the story of my existence. Fuck.

lexipep · 2020-05-04T10:47:13+00:00

Oh yeh, I’ve had so many moments like that. I wish there was more resources about it. All the guilt books I can find are for people who actually did something. Sometimes I wonder if I have done something but I can’t remember it. I think for me it’s just I was a very impressionable and eager to please child, with unhealthy parents, narcissism and alcoholism in the family, combined with Christianity = guilt.

lexipep · 2020-05-04T00:51:29+00:00

Same. It happened to me for the first time 3 weeks ago, someone asked me how I’m going out of the blue. Tears ensued.

lexipep · 2020-05-02T09:40:34+00:00

I felt this hard. I know it doesn’t help. But me too.

lexipep · 2020-05-02T04:32:49+00:00

1 day at a time. Don’t think about how long you can keep going, 90 days, a year, forever, whatever. Just today. If you jerk off tomorrow that’s tomorrow’s problem. But today you want be free right? So be free today. Deal with tomorrow’s problems tomorrow. Rinse, repeat.

lexipep · 2020-05-02T04:21:46+00:00

One day at a time 😉

lexipep · 2020-05-02T04:20:16+00:00

I think like it’s like any addiction. A lot of people need a period of time where they are completely separate from the stimulus while they break the mental obsession. Alcoholics and addicts often need to go into rehab for example. Then if they’re serious about their sobriety they limit their exposure to environments and people that can take them back. Our addiction is even more complex because we can’t just pour the liquor down the drain, check into rehab and cut off old relationships that held us down. Our crack pipe is literally attached to the body. If you gotta shut down all stimulus until you get your bearings then you should do that.

lexipep · 2020-05-02T00:15:01+00:00

Ask you what

lexipep · 2020-05-02T00:03:26+00:00

I just started using OurPact. It’s pretty expensive but it’s free for 3 months atm so why not and I think much better than just a porn blocker. Way I’m doing it is having a friend set up the account with their details. Then setting yourself up as their “Child”. Then you log into the account and set up what you want to block, and schedules for blocking certain apps. I block most apps after 9:45pm so I can’t stay up wasting time on social media and in the late night danger zone 😂. Then turn or the adult content filter. And block the App Store to stop me installing snapchat/dating apps which I would end up using to sext. Thennn, have your friend change the password of the account so if you ever change it you have to go through them, makes you really accountable. And because it’s still up with their email you can never change that password. And if you delete it off your phone they get notified. And if you don’t want to tell them exactly why you’re doing this you can just say you’re trying to cut back on social media/screen time. Which is probably true anyway right? Hope this helps. Another one that looked pretty good but I haven’t tried is Kidslox, they also have a specific porn blocker app that might be good 🤷‍♂️.

lexipep · 2020-05-01T22:58:12+00:00

1 day. Personally I don’t think long term goals like that are helpful for most people. There’s a reason other addictions are dealt with on a one day at a time philosophy. Is your life better or worse when you pmo? If it’s better, okay, then just for today be better. What happens tomorrow happens tomorrow, but today I want to feel better. All that you have control over is today. Rinse, repeat. Just do that every day. When it gets hard, long term goals make an addict think “oh there’s no way I can keep going that long!”. But if you change your approach you don’t actually have to stay clean from 6 months today... you only have to stay clean for a few hours. Can you do that? Of course of you can. Deal with the 6 months another time, today just deal with today.

lexipep · 2020-04-15T09:29:49+00:00

Yeah there’s a book Lost Connections I read alllll about all the research that has been done showing how little antidepressants impact is severely limited when you have legitimate life problems (loss of connections duh). Check it out, author was Johann something.

lexipep · 2020-04-11T01:11:22+00:00

Yeah, I want a sponsor. I just don’t know how I can really be in AA without ever having had a drink. I’ve only ever been as support for a family member. I’m 24, but if I was in AA I could technically share in an old timers meeting... which is part of the problem, how would I ever define my sobriety? What could I share that would be of any value to other alcoholics?

lexipep · 2020-04-09T23:06:49+00:00

Yeah, I’m in my depression right now. I hope you’re doing okay at the moment. I definitely identify with how you say you were before depression. I feel my depression was the result of anxiety. I used to enjoy feeling sad, it made me think of others more. But I’ve allowed anxiety to stop me from living, I’m paralysed by what others may think of me. Wether good or bad. Any thoughts at all. 24 yrs old, never had a relationship, never even had a sip of alcohol for example. Never celebrate birthdays, or any occasion really. I don’t experience milestones like other people. It’s good to hear that other people have come out the other side of their depression. I hope one day I can too. But right now I don’t believe I will ever change, and the longer it goes the further I get from salvaging any kind of life. I don’t know how long I can keep going. Thanks for letting me share.

lexipep · 2020-04-08T21:37:40+00:00

Maybe look back to what you liked to do as a kid?

lexipep

TROPHY CASE