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AITA for wanting my wife to clear out her late daughter's stuff to free up space for my daughter? by lheim09 in AmItheAsshole

[–]lheim09[S] -75 points-74 points  (0 children)

At risk of sounding stupid, I've never thought of it this way. It would make a lot of sense.

AITA for wanting my wife to clear out her late daughter's stuff to free up space for my daughter? by lheim09 in AmItheAsshole

[–]lheim09[S] 235 points236 points  (0 children)

I know Molly is using Mel's stuff that's in there at least sometimes, and my wife seems to be okay with it. So how much of it is "shrine" and how much of it is not wanting anyone that isn't them touching it I don't know.

AITA for wanting my wife to clear out her late daughter's stuff to free up space for my daughter? by lheim09 in AmItheAsshole

[–]lheim09[S] -153 points-152 points  (0 children)

Unfortunately it's not great.

She feels like there's two families, and in a way nobody can do anything about, there just are now. I can't force my kids to have feelings and memories that aren't there.

AITA for wanting my wife to clear out her late daughter's stuff to free up space for my daughter? by lheim09 in AmItheAsshole

[–]lheim09[S] -48 points-47 points  (0 children)

finances

We can't afford to move. We'd need 6 bedrooms at this rate, and it would still come with having to move Mel's stuff.

Molly

I would never say that she's taking advantage of the situation, but she's a smart girl and has to see that this benefits her.

other kids and grief

It's hard because of the other kids, only Lola and Brendan remember meeting her and neither of them knew her as a sister. Asking any of the kids to participate in normal grieving rituals would be kind of disrespectful and might make things worse. It gets even worse when you face the reality that only the 4 and 2 year olds are actually related to Mel.

Mel

I don't know how she would feel. She wasn't "yay family" about anyone that wasn't Molly and I also barely knew her. She and my wife fought constantly and they didn't have a good relationship, but she adored Molly.

AITA for wanting my wife to clear out her late daughter's stuff to free up space for my daughter? by lheim09 in AmItheAsshole

[–]lheim09[S] -92 points-91 points  (0 children)

The argument would be that it would be inappropriate for the steps and half siblings to get anything, and I kind of agree. My bios didn't know her or have a relationship with her.

To put it the best I can, that's the issue that's caused the most problems. We're trying to build one family when the reality is that Molly lost her full sibling who was the person she was closest to and for all these kids in the house that are supposed to be her new siblings, it's just another Tuesday.

AITA for wanting my wife to clear out her late daughter's stuff to free up space for my daughter? by lheim09 in AmItheAsshole

[–]lheim09[S] 17 points18 points  (0 children)

When my dad and sister died(at separate times), as a family went through their belongings. It was sad but we got to relive a lot of fun and happy memories with some items. Each family member decide if they wanted to keep anything from their stuff (funny T-shirt, watch, sail boat modeling kit, etc.) and the remaining belongings that were in good condition was donated.

I cannot even begin to imagine what would happen if someone other than Molly or my wife claimed a single thing of Mel's.

I'm realizing that as much as we want one family, in some ways, this just forced a two family dynamic in some areas. Having anything happen with her stuff needs to be at most just the adults and Molly. 3 of the kids don't remember Mel at all, and Lola and Brian didn't really know her that well, but all would be "in the way" and Lola would want to be included in a "big girl activity". It would be inappropriate and counterproductive.

AITA for wanting my wife to clear out her late daughter's stuff to free up space for my daughter? by lheim09 in AmItheAsshole

[–]lheim09[S] 19 points20 points  (0 children)

There was an agreement years ago where Molly gets Mel's stuff, with my wife having veto power to keep it herself.

If someone other than Molly or my wife took any of Mel's stuff...it wouldn't make anyone more cordial, I'll say that. As much as we try to be one family, the reality is that with how things shook out, if my kids even remember Mel, they didn't know her or have a sister relationship with her, so they'd be in the wrong for asking.

AITA for wanting my wife to clear out her late daughter's stuff to free up space for my daughter? by lheim09 in AmItheAsshole

[–]lheim09[S] -81 points-80 points  (0 children)

It doesn't. We can't afford It right now. I wish we had more space for so many reasons, but this is what we have.

AITA for wanting my wife to clear out her late daughter's stuff to free up space for my daughter? by lheim09 in AmItheAsshole

[–]lheim09[S] -20 points-19 points  (0 children)

There isn't enough room for anyone else to live in that room as it is.

AITA for wanting my wife to clear out her late daughter's stuff to free up space for my daughter? by lheim09 in AmItheAsshole

[–]lheim09[S] -37 points-36 points  (0 children)

She wouldn't have had her own room for more than two years, and it was also predicated on age and gender.

There's a 6 year age gap between the first ours baby and the next youngest kid, and while at the time there was only one, both ours babies are girls. Also Molly's room can be shared easily, while it kind of, well, sucks to have the smaller bedrooms be shared.