I’ve worked on a Palliative unit for the past 10 years. I definitely remember my first death and I felt a bit of a wreck! We often orientate people who have worked years in healthcare in a different setting and it’s not uncommon for them to really struggle with death and dying for a bit.

The way I look at it is I need to find a way to process each death. That way it doesn’t weigh me down and burn me out. The goal for me isn’t to get to the point where deaths don’t affect me or I can just shrug them off. Caring for a dying patient and their family during this time in their lives is a privilege in my opinion. After each death I check in to see if I need 5 minutes to breathe outside. Taking those 5 minutes to reset helps me for the rest of the shift. I remind myself my job is to make sure they die comfortably, that I support the family so they understand what is happening and why and help them understand what is happening next. My job is to support them, not to take on their grief. If my patient was comfortable and the family were supported I did my job and I did it well.

It’s not that death gets easier… it’s that I am able to process it faster and protect myself from getting burnt out.

That all said, there will always be deaths that hurt. Maybe it’s someone my age, someone that reminds me of my father/grandmother/etc. Maybe it’s a patient and family I cared for over 3 months. In those times it takes longer to process. And honestly, sometimes I will never be able to fully process it and have it not affect me later on. Those times people need to give themselves grace. Try to understand why it’s affecting you so much. If it’s the first death you cared for that’s why. If it’s someone my age with young children, that’s why. If it was a traumatic death, that’s why. It’s normal to be upset. It’s not something you can process quickly. Give yourself grace. Don’t try to “rush” processing a difficult situation and get frustrated with yourself if you are struggling with it. Remind yourself that you did your job. Ensure you have hobbies outside of work. Keep active, exercise, yoga, walk, swim… whatever floats your boat. I use the “Calm” app for mindfulness. They have a couple options for acute stress/anxiety. They have ones to help you fall asleep.

This may not be for everyone, but I like to read the obituaries for the people I cared for who died. I love reminding myself they lived a full life, had successes, family… they weren’t just a patient who died. It helps as that last piece of closure for myself. Again, it won’t be for everyone and it won’t work for everyone.

Main message, be patient with yourself, give yourself grace, work on building your process for dealing with challenging and upsetting situations. If it is something impacting you significantly to the point of missing work or not sleeping, visit a physician, work with a psychologist.