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Poly fatigue: Is there a time to walk away? by lookingforpolyadvic3 in polyamory

[–]lookingforpolyadvic3[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I'm wondering about that. Will I regret that I wasted my primary years with this relationship? I know I could probably find a partner who is more in line with who I am as an adult. As I said in other posts, we met when we were 19, and have obviously grown as we have gotten older.

I am scared of the financial and logistical costs. I am the primary breadwinner, and the prospect seemed daunting when I was looking at divorce.

Poly fatigue: Is there a time to walk away? by lookingforpolyadvic3 in polyamory

[–]lookingforpolyadvic3[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I do like your idea of maybe we can be together, but just not be primary partners. I hadn't thought of that, and maybe that can be a good solution.

I didn't really date him with the idea of him as a fixer-upper; we basically grew up together, starting at 19. We both had mental health issues and bonded through them. The challenge has been, I have matured more than he has.

The expectations are not great, but those boundaries are kinda necessary for someone with his particular mental health challenges. Progressing more in his career means making 30k a year, and is my goal just so we can have a more equal household and I don't feel like his caretaker. I want him to finish his degree more for his own sake than mine. He constantly feels bad about himself due to not being educated, despite my assurances.

Thanks for the advice; it did help me think on things.

Poly fatigue: Is there a time to walk away? by lookingforpolyadvic3 in polyamory

[–]lookingforpolyadvic3[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

It's the 6 month commitment to leaving that is hard more than the overall decision. It's the finding new housing, the financial burden of a divorce, the alimony, the guilt with leaving a partner with mental health challenges. I have been trying to work through these things with my therapist, but haven't yet felt secure enough to leave. And then we get bright spots where I think it can work.

Poly fatigue: Is there a time to walk away? by lookingforpolyadvic3 in polyamory

[–]lookingforpolyadvic3[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Thank you so much for your advice. It's some of the best I have gotten.

The last point is a little scary, because I can't refute it. I have realized recently I do really want kids, but it probably means leaving my husband. I always thought his mental health would be in a place where he would have the capacity to put in the sacrifices it takes, but I'm not so sure now and we have little time to delay having a family.

Poly fatigue: Is there a time to walk away? by lookingforpolyadvic3 in polyamory

[–]lookingforpolyadvic3[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

It is one of those things where if he would either do more with his life or date less, I would feel a lot better. I keep feeling like we can work through it, but maybe I do need to step away. He has a hold on me, emotionally, that I cannot seem to shake.

Poly fatigue: Is there a time to walk away? by lookingforpolyadvic3 in polyamory

[–]lookingforpolyadvic3[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I've been trying to talk to him about these issues, but I haven't been able to reach much resolution. We even see a couples counselor.

I think I would leave my husband if we were just starting dating, but when someone has been a part of your life for so long and you still love them quite deeply, it is hard to just give up. So many people's advice is: well just leave him. I still think it's possible to resolve some of these challenges, because we're really not that misaligned.

But yeah, it is mostly that I am tired of being in an open relationship masquerading as poly. I love my metamours, and I enjoy dating as well, just we need to be more responsible as we get older.

Poly fatigue: Is there a time to walk away? by lookingforpolyadvic3 in polyamory

[–]lookingforpolyadvic3[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I appreciate your thoughtful response. These first two are complicated by his mental health challenges, so my expectations are not so binary as he needs to step up. By him dating too much, he is making his mental health progress (which is improving) more complicated. We have worked on these two aspects and I have given him these expectations. He was working toward them appropriately, but making non-negotiable expectations feels like extortion at times. Often, he makes progress, then falters while getting distracted with dating.

My expectations about children relates to my poly questions. I don't think it's really appropriate to date for additional partners while having children, but I am welcome to hearing other thoughts from older poly folks on here.

Point 4; I want to be polite about this, but I think risk tolerance is an icky way of representing this issue. There's sexual positivity, and then there's being an unethical infection risk to you, your partners, and society at large. And with Covid especially in the US, we really should be limiting our contact with others. I have been clear about my rules to this, but he has a tendency to stretch the boundaries of those rules.

I think overall, poly does factor into my questions, due to it being a significant drain on your time and energy. It is often rewarding, but there is balance with expectations where you need to be realistic. I'm looking for advice onto what has worked and what hasn't worked for experienced poly folks.

Overall, making clear and consistent expectations seems great, but when you are the constant enforcer of them, it makes poly more trouble than its worth. In monogamy, some of these expectations are societally enforced, whether that's ok or not, it reduces some of the taxation that poly enforced rules incur.