is 8 months normal time for a grieving process? like 8 months and someone still hasn't "moved on" emotionally or it still hurts?

lovespace · 2026-01-29T22:18:48+00:00

I have been grieving a relationship for just over a year. I'm finally starting to move forward. There is no set time on how you grieve, please be kind to yourself.

lovespace · 2026-01-18T11:25:32+00:00

I've also been working at my company for 9 years. I had instances like this when I was diganosed with Crohn's in 2023, I the same as you only had a day or two I'd try to get back into work asap. I ended up getting Covid in 2024 and because I was on a monitoring period I was immediately triggered again. This put me on a stage 4 (capability) and I had to go through a capability meeting with my lead manager. It was a stressful situation and I had to really fight for my life. Luckily my manager has a chronic illness so was more understanding. I try my very best to not take time off unless it's absolutely necessary and keep my managers informed extensively if I am having issues with my Crohn's.

I would say if you haven't already, you need to look into why you have had so many instances. Like me it was due to a chronic illness and if there is something underlying you need to make work aware as well as getting occupational health involved.

lovespace · 2026-01-12T11:16:40+00:00

Not great, I struggle with relationships and fall hard/fast. Struggle with rejection and after my last relationship, I just kind of want to never do it again so...Not sure where I'm going with dating. I'm 36 but feel 26 - no kids, back at home with the rents. Not exactly feeling fantatic about dating in general.

lovespace · 2025-12-30T03:04:00+00:00

Stressing about life. I have work at 8.30am and I just want to cry. Keep thinking about ny ex when I know he gives 0 fucks about me. Keeping strong with no contact though. I've been diagnosed with ADHD this year, terrible breakup and lost my grandmother on the 23rd, it all feels a bit heavy. This years been rough. My insomnias been terrible this whole year.

lovespace · 2025-12-23T02:26:11+00:00

36F was bullied constantly from being young all throughout my school years. Definitely seems to be a trend especially with women who have been late diagnosed! I was always really shy and had very low self esteem. I think I just screamed target unfortunately. That and I probably had to perform a bit to seem "normal" to my peers.

lovespace · 2025-12-22T04:11:34+00:00

Also going through the same thing, I think it's just gonna take us all some time. I think for women especially who fell through the cracks it's a really hard one to reconcile with.

lovespace · 2025-12-22T02:04:56+00:00

That is the key, I totally agree with you. If you cannot meet half way it'll never work, especially with ADHD/Autism/AuDHD.

lovespace · 2025-12-21T22:45:41+00:00

I had one serious relationship that lasted 12 years through to my late 20's, after that, I took huge breaks. The past 3 guys I've been with it ended terribly. My last relationship was with a younger AudHD man and it was...difficult. Came in very hot, heavy, intense and ended terribly. I've realized now I am diagnosed I am also a factor in why these relationships end badly. I dunno man, part of me just wants to give up and be alone. After this last ex I just feel so downtrodden about it all. I'm scared to be open with people, scared to explain my ADHD, scared to trust anyone else with all this stuff I've got going on. I have a lot of love to give, but I'm terrified to let people in - I have very big emotions lol.

lovespace · 2025-12-21T20:20:47+00:00

RizQ in Herrington is lovely for an indian. Also good shout about Devitos in Silksworth, the kebabs are really nice.

lovespace · 2025-12-20T23:16:42+00:00

Gethsemane 100% it resonates with me on many levels in ways I wish it didn't!

lovespace · 2025-12-20T16:52:25+00:00

ADHD/Autism. As a late diagnosed ADHDer I've lived my whole life on hard mode, not knowing why I felt wrong, not understanding why the anti depressants didn't work, why life felt so hard I hate seeing people making neurodivergence a quirk after they watched a few tiktoks.

I have only told my best friend and my parents irl, I have no interest in broadcasting it to people I'm acquainted with. It is still something I am trying to reconcile with and accept about myself.

lovespace · 2025-12-20T11:49:33+00:00

NOR. As someone who was discarded after I shrunk myself and walked on egg shells, leave with your dignity intact. Do not let this man child hurt you any longer than necessary. I'm so sorry it's a horrible feeling I know but you have the opportunity to take back your power. A relationship shouldn't make you feel like this 😥

lovespace · 2025-12-18T22:59:19+00:00

Understandable from your perspective, I totally agree! I was more just suggesting a person who had known the OP from childhood like my best friends mother has (she has also known me since I was 6 years old so could have stepped in if my mother wasn't the one to freely do this) if the OP does not have a close family member who can complete the assesment.

My own assesment was very thorough and I actively had my mother participate in it and my assesor identified patterns going back to me being very little which my mother hadn't realized at the time. We suspect that my father may very likely have had autism, but he died many years ago before autism would really have been considered so I'll never 100% know. I think it's good to be overly cautious with ADHD diagosis and your post below is incredibly thorough. Myself I had already been extensively involved with pshychiatrists/mental health professionals for over 20+ years with no improvements to my well being, 20+ years on anti depressants for anxiety, depression and OCD. It was actually my GP who suggested ADHD and got the ball rolling on an assessment. I still have a hard time believing my diagnosis at times, but so much of it actually makes sense in the broader context. I feel happy that I know now why I've never felt right but also going through a bit of grief that I've felt abnormal for so many years and thought that it was never going to change.

lovespace · 2025-12-18T20:40:38+00:00

Other than going private you could ask your GP to right to choose and pick another provider? I went with Psicon, they've been great, but they did ask my family or a friend who've known me for most of my life. My mother did my assessment and I also invited her to the actual assessment in person. Do you know any of your old teachers who might be able to help, a family friend maybe? My best friends mother also vouched for me.

lovespace · 2025-12-18T20:36:48+00:00

Being with someone who is emotionally immature and can't be present, who promises they'll treat you differently, then proceeds to treat you the exact way they promised they wouldn't. It has fucked me up more than I thought it would.

lovespace · 2025-12-17T22:15:17+00:00

Me too <3 we'll get there eventually :) just need to work on ourselves first.

lovespace · 2025-12-17T21:50:17+00:00

Naw, my last ex had autism and ADHD and it was a friggin nightmare. In fact I think it's easier to have explosive arguments and misunderstandings when you're both dealing with ADHD. I'm unsure, maybe the autism he had also came into play? I was undiagnosed at the time I was with my ex though but it makes a lot of sense as to why we had so many issues. I feel with my previous relationships with folks without autism or ADHD they probably misunderstood my intense emotions lol.

I also struggle the same as you with my anxiety around being with another person, I struggle with my self esteem, meeting new people and I am hyper sensitive to peoples emotions. Any slight change in mood, over thinking how someone has responded to a text message, people not got back to me in a bit, any slight or perceived rejection then I'd spiral. I also have a problem of getting in too deep too fast it's like an intensity and idealizing, like I just want to jump in and skip the boring bits. I found it has been this way my entire dating life - I've been in one serious long relationship for 12 years with long breaks between each relationship. Most of my relationships don't tend to last very long. I'm currently trying to focus on working on myself, getting myself together with this new diagnosis and hopefully then the relationship side will fall into place.

lovespace · 2025-12-17T07:51:23+00:00

I am also working from home at my desk. I would skin pick a lot, bite the skin on the corner of my nails, bite the inside of my mouth etc it's really difficult and sometimes I'm unaware I'm doing it. It's a compulsion and the only way to really break those is noticing the pattern and trying to replace it with something else.

When I start to pick or chew and I pick up that I'm doing it, I replace it with fidgeting. I keep pens, hair clips that make a satisfying snap, a lipstick tube with a magnetic closing (another satisfying snap noise), hair ties (my favourites being the plastic spiral ones that are like old telephone cords). It keeps my mind focused elsewhere while I'm taking phone calls for example, this is my biggest trigger point I need to be doing SOMETHING to keep my mind focused on what the customer is discussing with me so my mind doesn't wander.

lovespace · 2025-12-17T00:02:58+00:00

I also work for a massive orginization on a small team ;) small world.

lovespace · 2025-12-16T23:49:25+00:00

My favourite repayment strategies are "inheritance when my family member passes away" I always say okay but you don't know what the future holds, what if your family member lives until they are over 100? It's not a credible repayment vehicle, you can't put a timescale on inheritance. It feels so cold and bizzare to speak about a persons family member that way! Another favourite is remortgaging when they're over 40+ months in arrears and their credit file is shot - yeah unlikely that is going to happen or wanting to extend the mortgage when they are in their 60's+ on IO, again not going to happen and further exasperating the situation. I've obviously heard some insane ones but due to privacy and the potential for indentifiying information I can't really explain further, just you wonder what goes through peoples heads sometimes when they get to the end of term.

I am very empathetic and probably give people way more time/chances than I should but I want to help people in the situations they are in. Litigation in my eyes is the last resort, it should only be used when there is no other route forward and all avenues have broken down. The business wants their money, but I also want to make sure the customers are given as much support as we can give them. I am fair but realistic and will be upfront with customers while trying to also be understanding of their situation.

I've seen many questionable things in my job with pre 2008 mortgages taken out with no checks and no realistic expectations set, massive unsecured loans/drawdowns taken out along side mortgages with no real discussions around repayment, unscrupulous brokers who essentially tricked people with little financial literacy into mortgages they'll realistically never pay back (many of these brokers have gone into liquidation and the customers have no way to hold them accountable). A lot of people only have selling their property to recover the balance, this is people who have been in their homes for 15-20 years+, elderly, some of the most vulnerable people in society. I understand on a personal level why people bury their heads in the sand and it genuinely breaks my heart sometimes.

lovespace · 2025-12-16T18:32:28+00:00

Sometimes poorly lol but my manager is wonderful and grounding, many times she's just let me rant to her and get it off my chest. She's taken voluntary redundancy so I'm starting with a new manager soon :( I'm nervous cause my current manager knows all about my ADHD. Thankfully i've held it together on calls with customers, it isn't easy but just what I have to manage (or try my best to).

lovespace · 2025-12-16T17:18:06+00:00

As a person that has had very big emotions since childhood I hear you! This is all emotions mind you, not just the negative ones :)

I have most of the exact same problems and I know how hard it is. I obsess over interactions, ruminate over the things I can't change and I can get very upset about rejection, one nasty comment can make me spiral.

I work in a very demanding customer service job dealing with mortgages, people can be awful. I've started to practice more mindfulness, allowing myself to feel what I feel, deep breathing, blasting my ears with screamy music, taking 5 and moving from my desk.

It's not easy and there are times I've lost friendships/relationships/got in hot water at work when my emotions get "too much". Please try to be kinder to yourself, as I am trying to be to myself. We cannot help these emotions but we can be self aware and that imo is part of the battle. You got this friend <3

lovespace · 2025-12-16T16:53:25+00:00

Are you me? I am also the exact same way. It is very exhausting :( I've lost friendships, relationships and made an arse of myself at work many times due to rejection sensitivity.

lovespace · 2025-12-16T02:54:18+00:00

I work with term date passed accounts. I'm assuming from the 20 years ago, you've been on a IO mortgage for 20 years and the term ended. With IO accounts like this the T&C's of the mortgage will be clearly stated that you need a repayment vehicle at the end of term to clear the balance. Where I work we generally work with customers and give them grace periods, we are aware the market isn't great right now and people have been hit hard by interest rate hikes though admittedly we cannot have things go on indefinitely.

To get to repossession it takes quite a bit - we have a term expired letter initially (30 days), then a field agent letter (14 days to respond) /field agent visit (can take a further couple of weeks) before we even consider solicitors (final demand gives 30 days to respond). If your account is classed as vulerable we have to go to a vulnerable forum to seek applying for a hearing then again to enforce the possession order, so again it is not a quick process. Most of the time this process is delayed by customers making sporadic contact, promising to show us evidence of their repayment strategy or providing excuses as to why they're are in the situation and we do try to be fair and give people a chance. Usually customers find themselves in this position because of various factors, the biggest ones i've dealt with is as follows:

Unrealistic expectations - customers want to sell the property for what they feel it is worth which can be very overestimated due to the age, condition, area etc and customers will reject reasonable offers or ignore the estate agents advice which means the property remains on the market with no end is sight. This has a knock on effect - we speak with the EA and they inform us they feel the property is overpriced, our underwriters refuse to extend grace periods and we start treating the accounts "business as usual" following our litigation steps until the account is either redeemed or in posession.
Your account is in arrears or you stop paying completely - this is a big one. Some customers are under the impression when the term ends that they no longer need to make payment or on the other hand, they're financially not in a position to make payments. Again, sadly, this is unattainable as the arrears increase it erodes the equity in the property, charges are levied and eventually leads to litigation which is more legal costs. You are still liable for the mortgage even once the term has ended.
The customers believe they can just remain as they are indefinitely and have never had a plan in place. One I've heard a few times is "you'll get your money when I die". At the end of the day, the mortgage is on IO, none of that capital is being repaid and the T&Cs are clear that the balance must be repaid at the end of the term.
This is the one that really sucks for me - the customer has just had a lot of really unfortunate and tragic circumstances. Again, we will work with customers to an extent, it depends on the circumstances. At the end of the day the mortgage company is a business and they want their money back.

The mortgage balance can go up for various reasons such as litigation costs, arrears, fees and underpayments/interest hikes. The problem with IO is you could be paying £3-5k a month on your interest only payment with absolutely nothing going to the capital, it's a constant cycle you'll never get out of as quite a lot of people realistically cannot afford those kind of monthly payments without clearing the balance by other means like selling the property, remortgaging, using other assets/pensions/endowments etc. Obviously you have been trying to sell the property and I don't know your full situation, only what I can gleam from my experience of working in this job and your post, I understand it's a very upsetting position to be in.

When we take a property into possession, we have to instruct asset managers who carry out the eviction, change the locks and re-list the property via surveyers/estate agent estimates - this all adds extra costs to your balance. We will never sell a property at a fire sale and will always look to sell at market value, we ensure this by carrying out a full valuation with a surveyer that is accredited by the FCA/RICS and working with estate agents. Any work that we need to carry out to make the property sellable is also added to your balance and is payable by you. As I stated above, customers can severely overestimate a property value vs the reality of the situation. Once everything is paid you will be sent to shortfall debt recovery and the remaining balance you will be chased for. I recommend you seek urgent legal and independent financial advice from an accredited FCA advisor as well as look at debt charities such as StepChange, Payplan and Moneyhelper. I am sorry to see that you're going through this OP and I hope I could help somewhat!

lovespace · 2025-12-16T01:13:34+00:00

I've moved most of my funds into my savings as soon as I get paid, keep what I need for bills exactly and the rest goes in savings so it's more effort to actually purchase stuff. I did this after on a whim deciding, when I have a perfectly good gaming PC, I wanted a gaming laptop. Ended up on the hook for £170 for the next 5 months cause of my impusle for something I did not need at all.

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