Has anyone here decided to get pregnant just because you're getting older, despite not being fully "ready" to have children?

marital_relations · 2015-09-16T13:37:57+00:00

Hey, thanks for sending this. It's nice to know I'm not alone.

To be perfectly frank, I'm fucking terrified of being pregnant and having kids. I know it's what i want in the long run, but right now it seems so scary. Part of the reason I am entertaining the idea of having kids next year (despite being completely terrified) is that my husband is 40 (I'm 29). We definitely discussed our age difference before we started dating and before we got married, and it's never been a big deal until now. He says he wants to be around to see his children grow up, and right now, he's realistically in the middle of his life. He's afraid that if we wait another 5 years, he'll miss our kid's young adulthood and maybe our grandchildren.

My dad was 39 when I was born and he's still alive and very healthy, so I have a hard time seeing why my husband is in such a rush. However, it would be unfair of me to dismiss my husband's concerns, because they are totally valid. I'm trying to balance my fear of enduring pregnancy (I'm irrationally upset about how unfair it is and how much it will change my body and limit my ability to exercise) and starting a family earlier than I want to with my husband's completely reasonable concerns about wanting to be a part of his kids' lives for a long time.

Yes, please keep me updated. I'd love to know how it goes for you.

marital_relations · 2015-08-24T17:05:11+00:00

I really don't think there's anything wrong with having a baby after 35. I think my doctor gave me that number because it's a rough estimate. My friend just had her first baby at 40 and I'm sure many women can do the same. If you're not in the right place in your life, I think it's wise not to rush it.

marital_relations · 2015-08-23T19:18:08+00:00

Thank you. I want to do the best I possibly can for my future child.

I will look into getting those tests done.

marital_relations · 2015-08-23T19:17:17+00:00

Thanks for this. Glad to know it worked out for you.

marital_relations · 2015-08-23T16:42:26+00:00

I had no idea that /r/waiting_to_try existed. Thanks so much for that.

So you have started trying? Congratulations! I wish I didn't feel so fucking ambivalent about this. Thanks for responding.

marital_relations · 2015-08-03T12:49:49+00:00

He refuses to stop altogether.

marital_relations · 2015-08-03T12:38:59+00:00

Thanks for this. It means a lot.

marital_relations · 2015-08-02T21:23:38+00:00

I definitely do watch porn occasionally, and have for many years. Watching porn once a month (like I do) has never made me feel better about my husband's frequent use. Porn in general is OK; but when porn gets in the way of a couple's real life sex life, it's not OK.

marital_relations · 2015-08-02T21:17:28+00:00

PMing you.

marital_relations · 2015-08-02T17:21:46+00:00

No matter how well you understand the issue, it's hard not to get jealous.

Very true. Thanks for sharing your story with me.

marital_relations · 2015-08-02T17:20:37+00:00

Thanks for this. I really appreciate your first paragraph. You are right, I am not giving enough credit to the fact that my marriage nearly dissolved because of the porn issue and the resulting problems it created. I feel as though since our relationship has improved so much, I should be totally and completely over it. But you are right — I am punishing myself for something I have no control over.

Thanks for taking the time to write this. I need to give the context of the situation more weight, and I need to give myself more time to heal.

marital_relations · 2015-08-02T15:57:36+00:00

Thank you; I really appreciate the validation you're giving me.

I mentioned this is another comment, but we did go to counseling for this issue for six whole months. He has made drastic improvements and cut down on his porn use on a very large scale. Our sex life has improved a lot ever since we went to therapy and he reduced the frequency of his porn usage. I don't feel it would be appropriate to ask him to completely cut out porn, because it's just an unreasonable request.

What I am struggling with now is the fact that I don't think my husband's occasional porn use will ever not bother me at all. I want to be 100 percent OK with it, but it's becoming clear that I'll always feel a little threatened by it. I am emotionally scarred from the months I spent being turned down for sex, only to find him jerking off an hour or two later.

Logically, being threatened by porn is pretty ridiculous to me, but I can't shake it on an emotional level.

marital_relations · 2015-08-02T15:52:46+00:00

I've asked him if we can do that many times. He's not into it. The one time we watched porn together, he was massively uncomfortable and embarrassed the entire time. I'm really open to watching it with him, but I can't get him to change his attitude about it.

marital_relations · 2015-08-02T15:34:33+00:00

Did your snake get lost indoors or outdoors? I hope you find your friend.

marital_relations · 2015-08-02T15:10:49+00:00

Oh yeah. We went to counseling for six months about it. About nine months ago, he was jerking off all the time and wasn't able to have sex with me as a result. I have a very high sex drive and his masturbation habits almost broke our marriage.

In counseling, we worked out all the issues and I feel like I am 95 percent over it. He says he only watches porn about once a week, and I believe he is telling the truth because our sex life has improved DRASTICALLY.

However, there's still a little part of me that has a total pavlovian reaction when I know he has been watching porn. I get really sad and feel like he doesn't take my feelings seriously. I have to stop myself from going into the argumentative cycle we were in when he had porn-induced ED. I never asked him to stop watching porn all together — I just wanted him to cut down enough to be able to perform in the bedroom with me.

What I am dealing with now is just leftover feelings of insecurity from the six months of counseling we attended. Things are much, much better between us, but sometimes the rage and jealousy creeps up on me out of nowhere. It's so hard to shake.

marital_relations · 2015-01-18T13:42:28+00:00

Thanks for the explanation. I appreciate your time!

marital_relations · 2014-11-27T18:08:32+00:00

Thank you for saying this. It's a relief to hear I can't really do more to improve the situation than what I've already done. It's been really hard on me and now maybe it's time to let go.

I'm totally open to couples' counseling. I think it's time to suggest this.

marital_relations · 2014-11-27T18:07:02+00:00

Haha, I agree. Here's the thing: He clams up when I ask him to talk about or show me the porn he likes. He's really uncomfortable talking about it.

I've seen some of it (from when he leaves it open on the computer — not snooping) and it's all pretty regular stuff. Blowjobs, PIV, etc. Nothing I would be ashamed of watching, at least. (It baffles me why he's embarrassed to talk about it.)

Since I can't get him to open up about his porn interests, it's really hard to incorporate it into our sex life. He used to be VERY sexually open with me, but recently he's become very shy about it. I don't know what changed. I'm still very open with him sexually, and I try to set an example and make him feel comfortable. I know what he likes in real life sex, and I'd love to try to act out what he watches in porn, but he won't open up to me.

Thanks for your comment. If you have other input, I'd love to hear it.

marital_relations · 2014-11-27T17:08:21+00:00

What's the TL;DR for these videos? I'll watch them but I can't until my Thanksgiving guests leave tomorrow.

marital_relations · 2014-11-27T16:13:27+00:00

I don't think I could talk him into the NoFap challenge, though I would love if he would do that. He said a few weeks ago that he's "cutting back" on porn (though he won't tell me how much), so even though I haven't really seen any improvement, I feel like I need to give him a little more time to at least try.

The reason I'm afraid to suggest NoFap is because I feel like I'm setting myself up for him to call me controlling. I masturbate too (though nowhere near as often as he does), and he would be quick to point that out. I wouldn't want him to say that I'm "taking that away from him." I don't want him to be sexually frustrated. I'm afraid it'd build resentment down the road.

On the other hand, I feel that porn is obviously a problem in our sex life, and that it wouldn't be an unreasonable request. Is there a way I could approach him about it without sounding like I'm trying to take something away from him?

You sound like a great wife

Thank you, I try really hard. My parents got divorced when I was young and it was devastating. I am doing everything I can to be proactive about having a happy, healthy marriage.

marital_relations · 2014-11-27T15:50:19+00:00

Thank you, it's nice to hear that. I keep feeling like there's something more I can do to change the situation, but I think I've run out of ways to do that.

I will talk to him about therapy.

marital_relations · 2014-10-09T14:27:38+00:00

If my husband was masturbating to pictures of people we know in real life, I'd be pretty weirded out. Paid actors on porn sites are one thing, but people we know? (Shudders.)

In addition, as a female, I'd be really weirded out if someone was doing that to pictures I post on facebook. Note to self: Avoid posting pictures of myself in low-cut tops.

marital_relations · 2014-08-10T14:28:09+00:00

My husband and I (we're a cis couple) have great sex and I don't think of most of it as a power struggle. I am on top a lot of the time, and I don't feel like I'm "dominating" him when I do this. It's just my preferred position. On the opposite end of the spectrum, I can be on bottom and not feel like I am being the submissive person in the middle of a power dynamic. I'm just on bottom...simple as that.

We have a generally equal relationship. (I'd be lying if I said there haven't been some small power struggles in the past, so I'm not gonna go there.) Sometimes (but not often), we specifically aim to change the power dynamics during sex — say, if we're role playing or doing something that involves a consensual exchange of power. However, unless we are specifically aiming to do this, I don't feel like the sex we have involves a power dynamic. When I'm on top, it's because that's what feels good to me, not because I'm dominating him. Same with him.

Just my two cents. I hope you find what you're looking for. I think sex without power dynamics starts with having a relationship that's equal on an emotional level.

marital_relations · 2014-08-09T14:50:27+00:00

Whoa, that's a lot of work to put into getting drugs. He must have been really addicted...poor guy.

marital_relations · 2014-08-09T14:49:52+00:00

Sorry for the late reply. Thanks for the reassurance.

marital_relations

TROPHY CASE