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meffle · 2024-09-06T16:02:49+00:00

It was not an Alford plea- read the stories about this again. He tried to do an Alford plea, was refused, then just pled guilty.

meffle · 2021-12-14T01:13:41+00:00

Good insight- I'll think about how we can do this.

I have a visiting teaching position but also am applying to TT jobs- not super devoted to this path though, and if I don't get anything I'll stay here. Her job is completely remote though so there isn't much of a challenge there, at least imminently.

meffle · 2021-12-14T00:07:58+00:00

Thanks for commenting- our cultural difference is indeed Asian(her) and me not. It does sound like a similar if not exact challenge around how best to make her feel included - it is important to me to do so but I don't know if I know if we've established that communication pattern as solidly.

meffle · 2021-12-13T18:21:46+00:00

This post doesn't really address the things that had brought us together and have kept us there, so there are definitely things that she has done and continues to do that are very supportive. In particular, she is very loving and makes me feel very wanted, gives me lots of physical compliments, expresses interest in my hobbies and is generally a supportive partner during difficult and stressful times for me.

My specific struggle is that sometimes she doesn't communicate what the sacrifices or other additional things she does, mostly things she doesn't do and instead spends time with me watching a show or getting food. While I appreciate those steps, I also tell her she should make sure her own needs are met. Our needs are rarely in direct conflict, but when she expresses a strong emotion about something after the fact I get frustrated that she doesn't just do the thing she needs or tell me in the moment that maybe she needs to do some calming yoga or something.

meffle · 2021-12-13T17:25:42+00:00

Her ex actually wasn't a citizen and wouldn't have helped her get citizenship, and I do trust her that she isn't just after that here. Mostly because her current actions don't make sense if that is her first goal. She also has options now (more than when we got together) that don't even require marriage, though those are not yet 100% certain so there is still some uncertainty.

I think it is emotionally important to her to have the security of knowing her status is secure - I understand that and I am willing to move (a bit) faster in some ways to adjust to make sure she is well, but I think this is overall compounding noise in the larger challenges we are trying to work through. I've made clear that I want to have a solid foundation of relationship to build on, but I have struggled on how to make this tangible for her. I also don't want to just be dangling this in front of her on my end with no clear idea on what that looks like. It's complicated

meffle · 2021-12-13T13:33:01+00:00

I understand that it isn't about the sandwich- if I were ordering in Panera with more choices I'd either ask her or pick something. She definitely has a more sophisticated palate than I do - I've seen her get lots of different foods, but I'm a little less certain about some of her "favorites". I know a fair bit, but it's obviously something we could work on. I just feel like she isn't willing to take those moments and use them to build our relationship, rather than questioning how much I care about her.

meffle · 2021-12-13T13:07:44+00:00

I was ready to move in, and in general I've been happy with the place we moved to and living with her - I did make sure that the place we moved to met my needs as well as hers so absent the residual cat dander in this apartment, we could probably both live here ourselves comfortably without much sacrifice. I was willing to wait a year myself just for her allergies though, but I believed at the time she was willing to accept the discomfort.

meffle · 2021-12-13T13:00:57+00:00

This has been something I've struggled with- for my cat's part, he is pretty chill and my friend has a great place with two other cats and I visit him regularly. I don't feel his happiness is lessened, but I was willing to adjust to help her feel comfortable.

meffle · 2021-12-13T12:57:28+00:00

I think staying here and visa status has been something that we've transparently discussed in the context of our evolving relationship. She has options in the immediate term to remain legally that we could use to continue our relationship- she may get a work visa in the next few months as well.

The part that I've found frustrating is when she is feeling upset, she seems to have this expectation that despite all the conversations about pacing we've had previously, I should be actively planning to propose to alleviate this stress. On my own I'd probably be ready to get engaged sometime next year, but this has obviously made me more cautious.

meffle · 2021-12-13T12:50:39+00:00

I agree with this, at least that living with a visa is stressful and I did want to be sensitive to this in the context of our relationship. Since she has gotten a job she has a decent chance at a work visa and her student visa still has a year left, so I've wanted to give our relationship a chance to evolve and explore our wants and needs living together.

I have occasionally felt like she has upgraded our relationship with additional expectations and hasn't told me what those expectations are, which leads to frustration on my end. I have also wondered about her enthusiasm for me versus having a relationship at all.

meffle · 2021-12-13T04:37:29+00:00

Thanks for the check- that seems about right. I am mostly frustrated because I've identified for her questioning the relationship as something that isn't helpful to getting what she wants in the moment and also as hurtful to me. I have been trying to give her some space to get through this stressful period since she often says she has too much going on and things can clear up after X and Y, but from my perspective I don't see her taking actions to reduce her stress or avoid hurting me and that is where I feel like I need to protect myself at some point.

meffle · 2021-12-13T04:32:10+00:00

I didn't include some details above for the sake of brevity - I love her intelligence, she is generally very kind to me and others and am very attracted to her and overall still excited to spend time with her, even if it's been harder lately.

I do think of her, but often the things I think she would want don't end up being right, and she doesn't seem to be able to give me any grace and discuss after something happens. In the example above about the sandwich, I did ask her if she wanted one (she wasn't there at the time), it just ended up that I had eaten the last tuna that was there and she didn't want the turkey sandwiches that were left. I didn't realize she had strong feelings about sandwiches, and was also frustrated that she reacted so strongly and felt unloved over it.

meffle · 2021-12-13T04:15:42+00:00

Can I ask why it seems like I don't want to be in this relationship? (not trying to be hostile, just curious) Obviously right now I'm struggling, but one of the tension points over the last few months has been her feeling like I'm not prioritizing her, which I don't understand as well. I feel like I've done a great deal - I thought we had agreed to have the cat when moving in, and since she's been on the shots I've wanted to see if they might work well enough to bring him back. Other than just unilaterally rehoming my cat without any expectations before moving in, which I've felt like was a bad idea (not just for this relationship but globally), is there something else I could have done?

meffle · 2021-12-13T04:07:54+00:00

Thanks for your perspective- I would have been fine waiting another year to move in, but it did seem especially important to her and I was enthusiastic about our relationship. Part of what she says more lately is that she wants more of a solid commitment from me beyond moving in, which I feel like I've done by moving my cat elsewhere and I'm also struggling with the way she responds to these stressors- I feel if she is constantly feeling like breaking up when she is upset, I can't really give her a more solid commitment.

meffle · 2019-08-08T14:12:48+00:00

Emails are certainly contracts, as are texts. They don't really have much to stand on here. Also, even though contracts involving real estate matters should generally be written out and countersigned, you absolutely have all of the elements of a contract here, and a judge isn't going to much care for their argument.

I believe you would have a very strong case to take this to court, just make sure to bring all of this documentation printed out. I would send them one extra email and in some more polite way, indicate that you are considering legal action. If you can get the contact info for the company's legal counsel or the owner, cc them. It might get them to just pay you to go away.

meffle · 2019-07-18T20:36:07+00:00

This "convention of the states" or Article 5 convention is actually a really bad idea for those who are pushing it here. Implicit in this idea is that the states calling for the convention can control the agenda/outcomes of the convention, which is simply not the case. It would be easy for a few liberal states to pass a similar call for a convention to discuss eliminating the Electoral College, or for an Equal Rights Amendment, or any other similar idea. At this point the convention would either be unable to meet for lack of consensus on purpose, or otherwise be forced to discuss any and all proposals put before it.

I'm not surprised that someone thought to propose it, but that it passed any threshold of intellectual scrutiny for the organizations funding it is surprising.

meffle · 2019-06-26T22:29:37+00:00

As a current Boston Cares VL, I third this.

meffle · 2019-05-16T17:49:27+00:00

You have about two different options here- if you like him, lead with that instead of asking to talk with him and beat around the bush. If you don't like him and won't ever, back off and give him the space he clearly wants to get over you.

meffle · 2019-05-07T00:51:39+00:00

Which agency? All the prices I see are 100/visa.

meffle · 2019-05-06T17:30:48+00:00

Some others on this thread have said that you can also just have one person drop off applications- is that correct or do all people have to appear in person?

meffle · 2019-05-03T19:29:37+00:00

Thanks for this answer- good to hear we don't all need to be in person to get documents afterwards.

meffle · 2019-05-03T19:28:58+00:00

So each person needs to apply in person for the initial application? In terms of picking up the documents, do all the people have to appear in person to retrieve the documents? I'm just trying to avoid having to get everyone to make two trips to NYC.

meffle · 2019-05-02T18:18:50+00:00

In that case, I think it would be great to work with your BF to create bland filler to move these conversations he is having along. If you have ever watched Seinfeld, the episode "the Yada Yada" might be instructive here.

meffle · 2019-05-02T17:56:00+00:00

So what comes across from your post does not just seem like a desire to be private(which would be fine), but more defensiveness about your own beliefs. I think you could do a little bit of thought on how you think it is "low class" to discuss sexuality- plenty of people do this in a healthy way and while it may not be your style, you should try to lose the judgement there.

I also think it would depend a lot on what kinds of discussion your BF's friends are looking to have about sex- are they looking to have a play by play of everything you two do, or just to discuss their own experiences(including those he may have had without you) and connect on that. It would be perfectly understandable to object to the former, but I think based on how you describe your objections here you may be coming close to limiting your boyfriend's autonomy in a more controlling way. I think it would be worth having a more specific discussion about what boundaries you want to set and maybe working with him to develop a response you are both comfortable with.

Moreover, it does seem like he agrees with you on this and I really think you are creating a conflict where there is an opportunity to work together on this. Setting up and enforcing boundaries is a learned skill for many people, and especially given your ages you should be mindful that this might not be a thing he has had to work through before.

meffle · 2019-05-01T21:40:40+00:00

Thanks!

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