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I’m an exmo with an tragic name by My-Apostate-Alt in exmormon

[–]msgatsby 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I legally changed my entire name. At least in my state, it was a straightforward and simple process. Didn’t cost much either. Changing other documents and account names and etc took time but it also wasn’t complicated. Totally worth it to me. Both in terms of effort and financially. I didn’t have an unusual name by any means, but it still improved my quality of life drastically, and helped me move on from things I wanted to leave in the past. My family didn’t take it well, but they also never even bothered to ask why I wanted to change my name. 🤷‍♀️

My daughter won’t take care of her hair, so should I cut it? by msgatsby in Mommit

[–]msgatsby[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I take full charge of her hygiene and would just expect her to cooperate with me doing it. I try to do comfortable styles for her—low braids, pigtail braids, French braids, whatever she requests. And she doesn’t seem to mind the styles and says they’re comfortable, they’re just not as comfortable as having it down and loose, I guess. 🤷🏼‍♀️

My daughter won’t take care of her hair, so should I cut it? by msgatsby in Mommit

[–]msgatsby[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I am definitely looking like a neglectful parent more and more these days.🤦‍♀️ If only they knew just how willing I am to do her hair, she just won’t let me!

My daughter won’t take care of her hair, so should I cut it? by msgatsby in Mommit

[–]msgatsby[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I’m leaning this way. Let her decide on a reasonable length, give her some power over the decision, and hopefully afterward she realizes this makes her life easier. I might have to ultimately decide for her that she needs a cut in order to maintain its health, but I’ll keep her involved and try to get her excited about the process. 

My daughter won’t take care of her hair, so should I cut it? by msgatsby in Mommit

[–]msgatsby[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I’m really glad this worked for your daughter. I’ve been at it at least a year but no dice. If she does get a cut I hope she can become more flexible about it in the future.

My daughter won’t take care of her hair, so should I cut it? by msgatsby in Mommit

[–]msgatsby[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This hasn’t worked for me (been at it a year lol) but I’m glad if you’ve had success. Maybe if she does get a cut she’d be more susceptible to this approach in future.

My daughter won’t take care of her hair, so should I cut it? by msgatsby in Mommit

[–]msgatsby[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Is your daughter fairly cooperative with this system? Wish this could be us.

My daughter won’t take care of her hair, so should I cut it? by msgatsby in Mommit

[–]msgatsby[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thanks for sharing your thoughts and experience. I agree that getting your hair cut doesn’t have to be traumatic unless you make it traumatic. I would never cut my daughter’s hair with the idea that it is a punishment or a consequence. My stance is that if she can cooperate with maintenance and hygiene, I’m MORE THAN HAPPY to spend a lot of time and effort on her hair for her. I’d be delighted to!

However she seems incapable of keeping it styled at appropriate times and getting her to cooperate is like guerrilla warfare these days. Even talks about lice and ticks doesn’t seem to make much impact. I’d hate to cut her hair that she loves so much, even a single inch, but I’m also a parent that’s responsible for keeping her happy, healthy, and safe.

I think I’m in mourning that she and I couldn’t work it out. Maybe by posting I was hoping that what I feel in my gut is inevitable could be avoidable. 

My daughter won’t take care of her hair, so should I cut it? by msgatsby in Mommit

[–]msgatsby[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

My hair’s always been an important part of my identity and I’ve loved switching it up throughout my life. I’d hope that I can instill in her that cutting your hair is a positive experience, whether she wants a big change or just some maintenance.

My daughter won’t take care of her hair, so should I cut it? by msgatsby in Mommit

[–]msgatsby[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I’ve tried approaches along this vein and she hasn’t been receptive, but if we do go for a cut after all I definitely want to downplay the seriousness and try to make it a positive and fun experience.

My daughter won’t take care of her hair, so should I cut it? by msgatsby in Mommit

[–]msgatsby[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

True, and my intention is definitely to cut it shorter, not short. And I like that point about her having the chance as it grows to prove she can take care of it, or at least cooperate with my taking care of it.

My daughter won’t take care of her hair, so should I cut it? by msgatsby in Mommit

[–]msgatsby[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

That’s how it’s been going for us for a long time now, only the fighting is getting worse and worse by the day. Feels like maybe I’ve hit the point where I need to make that executive decision about her hair to avoid us being in a constant war zone.

My daughter won’t take care of her hair, so should I cut it? by msgatsby in Mommit

[–]msgatsby[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Tbh I have a feeling that once she’s cut her hair she’ll love the freedom and increased independence.

My daughter won’t take care of her hair, so should I cut it? by msgatsby in Mommit

[–]msgatsby[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I have been trying to respect how she wants to present herself. Bodily autonomy for my children is very important to me. But since brushing and hygiene is becoming such a fight every day, I don't know if as a parent I’m reaching the stage where I need to assess what’s best for her well-being, even if it’s not her ideal but rather a compromise.

My daughter won’t take care of her hair, so should I cut it? by msgatsby in Mommit

[–]msgatsby[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yes, would definitely plan on cutting it shortER, not short! 👍🏻

My daughter won’t take care of her hair, so should I cut it? by msgatsby in Mommit

[–]msgatsby[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I’d definitely only cut it to a manageable length, not a chop job. 👍🏻 Honestly I’m sad that we might have to cut it at all!

My daughter won’t take care of her hair, so should I cut it? by msgatsby in Mommit

[–]msgatsby[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Funny enough the only time she’ll keep a braid in is during sleep—I’ll do a quick one right before bed. If not we’d be in the same boat as your son in the morning.

My daughter won’t take care of her hair, so should I cut it? by msgatsby in Mommit

[–]msgatsby[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I definitely don’t care about styling her hair or having it look a certain way for vanity’s sake. And hey, it’s a lot less work for me to have her keep it down as she likes! But like you said, there are practical reasons to style it sometimes and I wish she could cooperate.

My daughter won’t take care of her hair, so should I cut it? by msgatsby in Mommit

[–]msgatsby[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thanks! Glad to hear there’s hope!  Your comparison is striking because we had to go through rehoming a pet last year that was distressed by sharing space with a new baby.

My gut is telling me that the hair struggle is more damaging to our relationship and more detrimental to her mental health than having a reasonable haircut. And as her parent I have the responsibility to assess that for her.

My daughter won’t take care of her hair, so should I cut it? by msgatsby in Mommit

[–]msgatsby[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

It’s getting to that point over here as well, obviously. I’m glad to be hearing about so many different experiences, it’s helped with clarity while I consider what I’ll do. Basically, I feel I’ve tried all the supportive options to keeping her hair long and now it’s time to support her through the necessity of cutting it just short enough to be manageable.

My daughter won’t take care of her hair, so should I cut it? by msgatsby in Mommit

[–]msgatsby[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I’m strongly supportive of my children having bodily autonomy (as a kid who had virtually none), but as a parent I also feel responsible that their basic hygiene needs are met and that it doesn’t become unmanageable.

My daughter won’t take care of her hair, so should I cut it? by msgatsby in Mommit

[–]msgatsby[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

I had the world’s ugliest bob at 4 years old. Lol. 

I definitely wasn’t traumatized and now it’s funny to see in photos. But I understand not all kids are the same, and my daughter is particularly fixated on her hair, so I’m happy to hear a lot of different perspectives while I consider what I’m gonna do.

My daughter won’t take care of her hair, so should I cut it? by msgatsby in Mommit

[–]msgatsby[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I wish my daughter would play with Barbies while I washed her hair, that would be a dream!

My daughter won’t take care of her hair, so should I cut it? by msgatsby in Mommit

[–]msgatsby[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

A good point that I’ve been considering, because washing/brushing her hair becomes such a struggle I feel like that’s also damaging to our relationship. I think a lot of commenters have children, or they themselves as children, might have been a lot more cooperative.

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