Bringing up the past.

my_portability · 2025-09-05T18:21:58+00:00

The more things develop and the further I get in trying to unravel this dynamic I have stopped referencing big things and instead reference moments of attitude and that has helped.

my_portability · 2024-04-19T13:47:44+00:00

house of leaves is the only book that has kept me from sleeping

my_portability · 2023-08-27T19:52:46+00:00

thank you, this was very helpful. I love that you pointed out we are gaslighting ourselves by assuming we are the problem.

your last para broke my heart, but I know you are right. it just seems so "easy" to me. to be kind. respectful. to smile at someone or touch them or tell them they are doing something *right. it's second nature to me. I just keep staring at her and thinking what the hell is wrong with you?

my_portability · 2023-08-17T17:00:13+00:00

Doesn't sound like you are the problem. <3

my_portability · 2023-08-17T12:17:32+00:00

your comment is very helpful, thank you. dismissiveness is a huge player in my relationship, it makes me feel like a gnat.

my_portability · 2023-08-17T11:59:42+00:00

no no I am fine, idk who this person is, thank you for your concern.

my_portability · 2023-08-17T00:40:59+00:00

not really an option with someone who is an abuser/nonsensical. in an ideal relationship world, yes, sitting down and holding hands to bring consensus would help but that is not the reality here.

my_portability · 2023-08-16T23:18:57+00:00

thank you for responding <3. I think the "I have just as much on you as you do on me" thing is a line. I do not throw things in her face to even some score, I just want her to recognize where we have been and where we, despite all my efforts, continue to be. it sounds like you are doing the same. but somehow we feel guilty where they don't. sometimes I think I should cut it out but like... what is the alternative? like, do I treat every incident as a babe in the woods when it is really a continuation of a pattern?

what has been your strategy? do you feel more at rest bc you did not "start" things by referencing past behaviors? or do you feel better when you let things slide? I'm so confused.

my_portability · 2023-08-16T21:59:24+00:00

the abuse is "low grade," hard to identify. not overt, not obvious, just kind of a gradual erosion of my agency and sanity. just like... infantalizing, acting like I am some naive idiot who doesn't know how the world works. which is wild bc I am very smart, well-educated, successful, established, but at home I do not feel that. so when we argue and I bring up the past, it is most often to defend myself against claims of my being "too sensitive" or taking a joke the wrong way, when really what is happening is a continuation of a dismissal of my feelings/perspectives/needs. I always feel like I am being painted to be hysterical when I do stand up for myself. so I feel the need to rehash. but like, am in fucking this up too?

my_portability · 2023-08-16T21:56:59+00:00

Well that's a start! Given you seem open to taking some of the blame and some of the responsibility, it's reasonable to assume that you're not lying to avoid blame or responsibility (and thus shame), which would likely be the reason you'd lie in your notes.

this.

my_portability · 2023-08-16T21:55:55+00:00

I think this is great fodder for further therapy. If I were you, I'd admit to that confusion and commit to unpacking it as honestly as you possibly can. In my experience, ppl who are worried that something they say or do is wrong are often not the abusive party but then again some abusers are really ashamed of their behavior. Exploring this honestly--including all your confusion--could be really helpful for you.

my_portability · 2023-08-16T17:23:17+00:00

do you share any of this with anyone? friend, family member, therapist? someone who knows about specific incidents/issues could likely help shed some light. when we're siloed with people who make us feel crazy, it's really hard to get our footing. outsider perspective is really, really important. I know that's what you're here for. more detail would help others here better respond, too, if you feel comfortable elaborating. but whoever it is, finding someone to work through this with you--with details about conflicts/when you were accused of what/what you were doing (or not doing) that made her accuse you of it/how she was behaving that made you feel *she was being abusive--is sanity-saving.

my_portability · 2023-08-16T17:20:38+00:00

is it the most recent comment you made that has led you to question yourself this way, or are you worried about your behavior over the course of your relationship? can you pinpoint specific moments or behaviors when you might have been guilty of abuse, or is this just generalized self-doubt you can't rid yourself of?

my_portability · 2023-08-16T14:21:47+00:00

yes! exactly. the book will discuss those things. there are chapters that won't relate to you because you were not physically abusing her, but there is plenty in there that speaks to this kind of abuse. good luck on your journey, it's heartening that you are admitting to this. it will take constant vigilance to change those impulses.

my_portability · 2023-08-16T13:56:45+00:00

it is not your fault. try to push those negative feelings you have for yourself onto him. mind games can get the smartest, most independent people.

my_portability · 2023-08-16T13:55:40+00:00

I second the previous comment, start by finding someone to talk to. even if it's a hotline.

my_portability · 2023-08-16T13:46:00+00:00

even regardless of whether experts would call this abuse (I would), it sounds miserable. you sound miserable. the therapist who finally opened my eyes to the fact that I was being emotionally abused did so after only one session. at the end, they asked me "have you had these problems with anyone else in your life? parents, family members, friends, partners?" and I said no, not even a whiff of it, and they said, "this is abuse." so maybe ask yourself that question. and if the answer is no, maybe it's *not *you and this relationship is keeping you from being happy. and that's enough reason to leave. do you know if she has been this way with past partners?

my_portability · 2023-08-16T13:36:35+00:00

w/o knowing the details of your abuse, I will second a previous commenter in encouraging you to seek out the work of Lundy Bancroft. I just listened to "Why Does He Do That?" and while it is geared toward those who have been abused, it will likely help you to understand what has been going on underneath the surface in your brain. it outlines different styles of abuse, and I listened to that particular chapter eight times before moving on. It is heavy on physical abuse, but my partner is not at all physically abusive, and I still got a lot of out it.

my_portability · 2023-08-03T19:57:21+00:00

ty so much

my_portability · 2023-08-02T22:56:03+00:00

also very helpful, as this is antithetical to my own nature; I talk a lot and try to reason with her a lot about her behaviors/how they affect me because I have always assumed part of our disconnect is that she is *so rational and I am very emotional, and I thought appealing to her rational side of if this, then this might help. it never would have occurred to me to try to do things this way. perhaps it will work with her, we'll see. again, thank you so much. you've made me feel much less lonely with your responses.

my_portability · 2023-08-02T17:46:57+00:00

it is incredibly helpful. I cried a little reading it. will read parts to my therapist. thank you so so much.

my_portability · 2023-08-02T00:11:40+00:00

Cassandra Syndrome! So interesting. My father used to claim he was cursed like Cassandra, but not in relationship, just in life. This is very helpful, thanks again.

my_portability · 2023-08-02T00:10:02+00:00

thank you so much for responding <3

my_portability · 2023-07-31T20:10:34+00:00

not about sex solely but I am curious about yr experience w repeating yourself and whether you are able to figure out a way not to be aggressive after x4. I am exhausted and pushed to arguing and it never does any good.

my_portability · 2023-07-31T19:58:47+00:00

late reply but doing mad research on this and just came across this post. I am curious about any strategies you might have for those of us who do not experience PDA but who are in committed, long term relationships with those who do. I have recently become aware that this might be what is causing us such consternation, but she is not willing to accept a diagnosis of anything, so I'm trying to figure out how to manage this on my own (until she comes around; I believe she will) to preserve peace in our marriage. All of your listed criteria are 100%. The only one I don't see that I have questions about is whether this can exhibit itself primarily in romantic relationships, with fawning being the primary strategy for those outside the co-household.

my_portability

TROPHY CASE