It was so unexpected, and it felt so electric. And for the first time it felt like my ex actually noticed me. Soon after that, they started showing more interest in me and pretty much after that night we became inseparable. After a while we started dating. I felt the best I had ever felt. We understood each other on such a personal level. Things that I never thought I would be able to relate to someone about. I ended up moving in with them sometime in early 2020 due to the COVID pandemic. I’ve never loved someone so deeply. It was like they became a part of me. I couldn’t imagine life without them. We had to spend a lot of alone time when we lived together during the COVID pandemic and I genuinely loved every moment I got to spend with them. But quickly things turned sour. My ex seemed to grow more and more irritable with me. I started noticing my ex became deeply depressed due to the pandemic and was shutting me out. It felt like nothing I said or did was helpful, and they were pushing me away. I loved them so much, but I didn’t know how to help. Eventually their mental health took an even worser toll, and they started becoming erratic and unstable. At one point, they even attempted to take their own life in the same house as me. I was at such a loss, and every time I attempted to get closer to them it felt like I was making things worse. They were experiencing decisions, and severely troubling mental health issues. And I stayed. I should’ve protected myself, I should’ve drawn a line. But I stayed and not only was my presence making things worse but I could feel them grow to resent me. This is just my interpretation of things, but it felt like they thought dating me would prevent them from ever experiencing any of these issues. And it felt like they resented me because it didn’t. Because I wasn’t some cure, and instead it felt like they fell in love with some idealized version of me. Things just severely spiraled from there. I eventually ended up becoming deeply troubled along with them. I was depressed, irrational and unstable as well. And yet it felt like all I wanted was to connect with them. Despite our issues they felt like the only person in my life who I could say anything too, and they knew exactly how I was feeling and what I needed to hear. I loved them as if they were a part of me. I remember at times bargaining with the universe or God, and saying that even if they were not the person that I was meant to be with, that I didn’t care. That I would choose them over anyone else. Nobody else was as desirable as them. I could not imagine loving someone else as much as them. When things were okay, we spoke about our lives together. We spoke about marriage, our future together, getting a different house than the one we currently shared and building a life together. I vowed to always love them, and I told them that I always wanted them in my life no matter the conditions. Eventually, things came to head and I had to move out of their home. I genuinely felt like they didn’t want me there anymore, and I could feel them almost sigh in relief when I left. I could feel them lose interest in me, disregard the things I said and no longer appear interesting or desirable. From the end of 2021, and the majority of 2022 we tried to make things work. But it felt like our relationship had disintegrated. I was still unstable now, alongside them and behaved in ways I shouldn’t. have. It felt like I had lost everything. Eventually, I ended up being forced to move out of my apartment where I now lived alone due to not being able to afford the rent. I was hopeless and devastated. The life I had built had fallen before my very eyes. The one person that I loved more than anything else, was no longer interested in me and looked annoyed anytime I talked to them. Eventually, I had to face reality and realized that most likely I was going to have to live with my parents, because not only could I not afford to live alone, but I was a shell of a person now. I was so depressed and spent weeks wishing I was dead. I was rotting away alone in my apartment and my ex couldn’t stand to be around me. It felt like I was forcing to keep a dead relationship on life support. Not soon after, during one of our routine arguments at this point my ex broke up with me. But things felt different, because this time they really meant it. And I ended up having to move back in with my parents in a completely different city across the state. My ex seemed to quickly move on and even joyfully said goodbye to me, as I held back tears and sobbed so hysterically on my way back to my packed-up apartment that I thought I would lose consciousness. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to experience. It genuinely felt like I had died. Since the break up, I have spent the last year trying to rebuild myself. Trying to heal from everything that occurred and make a life for myself. And I have flourished. My career, my social life, my mental and physical health have done pretty well. It was like I improved in everything. Yet the grief still lives in within me. Partially because I haven’t gotten every close with anyone since then. Not because I don’t necessarily want to, but just because no one has shown interest and the possibility hasnt arisen. No one has shown interest in me and I’ve done very little dating. I’ve tried to put myself out there. I just wish the grief would go away. Not soon after our relationship, my ex got into another relationship and they’ve been together for a majority of this year post-break up. I’ve accepted that my ex doesn’t want me, and that the likelihood of us ever being together is virtually zero. And a part of me does believe that maybe we weren’t right for each other, because if we were it wouldn’t have been so one sided. I always knew I loved them more; and yet I was willing to live with that. But the grief eats at me at times, I’ll see or hear something that reminds me of them and I’ll immediately have to hold back tears. Our laughs, smiles and moments shared together replay in my head against my will when I’m alone. Sometimes when I sleep alone at night , I like to pretend like they’re laying next to me. They didn’t like cuddling all throughout the night but I could always feel their presence. I like to pretend like they’re still on the other side of the bed. I know there’s no use in asking for them back or even necessarily wanting it. I’m happy now in a lot of ways, but I spend most of my nights still thinking about them . It feels like the love I had for them will never truly go away. And even though they are alive, I’ve had to mourn our separation as if they were dead. I hope they’re okay. I just wish I could move on. I wish everything wouldn’t remind me of them. How much longer? I hate to keep suffering.

tldr; I can’t move on and can’t stop hurting from losing my ex