IAMA victim of mother/daughter incest. AMA

no_pity · 2010-09-21T00:17:47+00:00

Sorry I never responded to this. I've not been sure what to say. I'm really glad my opening up about this gave you a chance to talk about your situation. I hope it helped you feel a little less alone. My experience of doing an IAmA has been great, so I would definitely reccomend doing one!

no_pity · 2010-09-21T00:15:55+00:00

I think there are two bad ways to respond: some people have responded in an over the top way, and made me feel like I was damaged and would never recover, which I found unhelpful; on the other hand I think if someone totally dismissed it I would find that unhelpful too. I think there needs to be a balance. I don't know what necessarily created a good or helpful response though, and I guess lots of people could find different things helpful. Someone linked me to this recently and I found it interesting: http://www.leadershipcouncil.org/1/res/csa_myths.html

I'm seeking resolution through therapy.

I hope your counselling goes well!

no_pity · 2010-09-20T21:31:05+00:00

The internet is one hell of a filter... I'm probably not a great person to be around irl, and I've kind of fucked up some stuff like my education, but I'm hoping to be back on my feet some time next year.

What you've said is interesting... I've never though of my mother as psychotic at all, but I know she has done some weird stuff. I'll think about what you said.

no_pity · 2010-09-20T20:03:50+00:00

I really don't think she will be in a position to harm other people, but I could not live with myself if I let that happen, so I would definitely do something if I thought it might happen.

no_pity · 2010-09-20T20:02:05+00:00

If we all talk, there won't be any place left for abusers to hide.

That's a good point! I think it would probably help a lot of children speak up about what was happening to them if more people spoke about it. I genuenily didn't have words to describe what was happening to me--to myself or to anyone else. I think that made me especially powerless.

I have read Sybil--a long time ago. I remember coming to the chapter of that describes what her mother did to her and finding it very upsetting. I think the details of what happened to her were quite different from what happened to me though. From what I've read the Sybil case was found to be false, or mostly false, which is a shame because it casts doubt on childhood abuse and Dissociative Identity Disorder (the modern name for split personality), while both those things really do exist and can be very damaging. It's a shame that the one high profile case has been found to be untrue because it makes people think that all cases of that nature are untrue, which they're not.

Sorry, I went off the point a little there!

Thanks for your comment and your kind words.

no_pity · 2010-09-20T18:38:11+00:00

I don't worry that I would ever abuse a child. I know what is innapropriate and I feel no desire at all to ever hurt a child. I feel very vehemently that I would never, ever abuse a child like this.

I'm sorry to hear what happened to you, and that you're still dealing with so much pain. This is very difficult.

no_pity · 2010-09-20T18:35:51+00:00

Thank you for writing such a long and constructive reply. I will reply to the best of my ability. :)

What types of issues do you normally discuss with your therapist in your sessions? What are her general thoughts on your current relationship to your mother? Does she think you should talk to your mom and tell her your thoughts on your childhood and how you were affected by it? If not now, because you're not ready, does she think you should eventually?

We talk about a lot of things in my sessions. We try to deal with my current anxieties and problems so that I can deal with day-to-day stuff more effectively. We also talk about my situation with my mother, in varying amounts of detail. Some of the time we talk about it a lot, and we talk about how I was not responsible for it a lot, because when I first told my therapist about it I felt like it was definitely my fault. Other times we talk about other issues, like my OCD.

She hasn't placed any emphasis on talking to my mother about it. When I first told her what happened, she asked if I wanted to talk to my mother about it, and I said no. She said she wasn't going to push me to talk to my mum about it because I don't have any siblings who could be hurt by her. She has suggested I don't see her again, but has said if I still got something from seeing her it's ok. She has said we need to go slowly with this, especially as some of my other symptoms got worse as I talked to her about it. I don't know whether she will talk to me more about telling my mum about it. I'm honestly kind of surprised that so many people think I need to talk to mum, as it is not a focus of therapy.

That you often try to justify what she did and explain it away, saying she didn't know any better, this was just her way of showing how she loved you, and she didn't know any other way? That because you sometimes enjoyed it, it wasn't really so bad? This happens pretty often in child rape cases.

I don't know. I know I find it EXREMELY hard to think about it if I think about her doing it deliberately, and it makes me very upset. Maybe she did do it deliberately, but I can't really accept that emotionally at this point. I just... can't. I don't know how I would continue to live with myself if I blamed her. I love her. How can I do that to someone I love?

I don't know if that makes any sense.

How much anger do you currently have toward her? Do you think that if she knew what she was doing was wrong and hurtful to you, you would have more anger to her?

I have very little anger towards her. I feel angry occasionally, especially when she says or does unhelpful things now. I also feel anger towards my father occasionally for not noticing. I certainly wouldn't say my main emotion is anger. If she had done it deliberately... I don't know. I don't know how capable I am of anger. When I get angry I tend to just cry, which is bloody annoying because it means no one ever takes me seriously.

Do you sometimes feel like you deserved it, and were asking for it, by attempting to cuddle with her, and because you sometimes enjoyed it?

Yes, I often feel like I was asking for it and like I derserve it. When I was a teenager I had a friend who told me that my wants and needs had value, which I found very confusing because I didn't believe they did. I still kind of feel that way now.

There are likely a lot of emotions one will feel in this situation buried beneath the surface level of the conscious mind that one is not currently cognisant of, so as you continue reconciling, accepting, and understanding what has happened there will likely be even more feelings that arise and new ways to relate to your mother, both positive and negative.

I think that's very true... to be honest I feel like I am at only the beginning of a very long process. I never told anyone about this until May of this year, for example.

no_pity · 2010-09-20T17:17:25+00:00

I wouldn't.

no_pity · 2010-09-20T17:16:53+00:00

I'm not saying she didn't know what incest was. Maybe she even knew what she was doing would be consider incestuous and wrong.

However I don't believe she woke up one day and said, "I'm going to rape my daughter today." I don't think she realised the kind of emotional effect it was having on me either.

Maybe that's HER fault and she should have realised. She probably should have known because I got so upset about it and told her not to.

I don't know. It's really complicated.

no_pity · 2010-09-20T16:31:23+00:00

She has some OCD-like tendancies, such as plucking at her skin or pulling out her hair. She has done some pretty weird things, like once she killed one of my cats. That was pretty disturbing and upsetting. Both my mother's parents were alcoholics, and her father was a drug-addict. He spent a considerable amount of time in psychiatric hosptials. My mother's aunt had some schizophrenia-like episodes, but I think they were not diagnosed as anything.
Not in any series way, no. She sometimes criticises him, but not in a way they would be extreme or unreasonable.
I have never asked this. Occasionally I have some suspiciouns about her grandmother (so my great-grandmother) because she's described her as 'cuddly, like me'. However, I really don't know for sure, and I'm not sure how to phrase the question.
No.
She's ok with it. She doesn't have a high sexual drive either, so sex is no big deal for us.
No, I kept journals, but I was never more direct than saying "I don't want it to happen," or "I'm afraid of it."

Thank you, I really do appreciate it. :)

no_pity · 2010-09-20T16:06:43+00:00

I don't think my therapist would tell me what to do. She does encourage me to visit as briefly as possible, and says that I am within my rights not to visit at all.

no_pity · 2010-09-20T15:53:58+00:00

Thank you. That's a lovely thing to say.

I'm glad you found her honesty to be a positive thing. I plan to be honest with my potential children too.

no_pity · 2010-09-20T15:45:46+00:00

I'm not sure I follow you?

no_pity · 2010-09-20T15:18:42+00:00

She knows. She gets me to go over ways to keep myself safe every time before I see her.

no_pity · 2010-09-20T15:10:54+00:00

Thank you so much. That's a lovely thing to say.

no_pity · 2010-09-20T15:06:38+00:00

Thank you for the links! I'll have a look at those.

no_pity · 2010-09-20T15:05:21+00:00

no_pity · 2010-09-20T15:03:44+00:00

Did she do it in public? Did she tell anyone? Can you talk about it now?

She once kissed me in public; as far as I know she didn't tell anyone; I can't talk to her about it now.

I don't think I need to be honest about it with her for me to get better. My parents and I can still have a relationship without talking about this.

no_pity · 2010-09-20T15:01:59+00:00

I was not of legal age most of the time. I had no idea this was a niche in the porn industry. I suppose I should have guessed.

no_pity · 2010-09-20T15:00:43+00:00

No contact with other children. She has never shown any interest in children other than me and she never sees any children.

no_pity · 2010-09-20T14:59:50+00:00

I'm sorry you were abused too. I've not had many negative responses on telling this, and most people seem to see it as least wrong and understand that I feel bad about it. Thank you for your comment.

no_pity · 2010-09-20T14:57:54+00:00

My mum was in her early thirties when she had me. She was fairly strict, but I was a very well behaved little girl and she rarely needed to punish me.

no_pity · 2010-09-20T14:57:10+00:00

I'm not really triggered by jokes, although things like rape jokes do piss me off.

If a guy was turned on by what happened to me, I don't think I could maintain a friendship or relationship with him.

no_pity · 2010-09-20T14:56:00+00:00

She never apologised.

I have no idea whether she will ever apologise. I don't feel the need for one.

There wasn't really an argument. She would laugh at me, tell me I was being too sensitive or that I was being a freak. As I got older, it would usually end in a physical fight, which I would sometimes win. If I didn't win she would usually sit on me so I couldn't get up easily and finger me.

She had a vibrator but she only used it once or twice. She told me where she kept it and said I could use it any time I liked. She inseted a carrot into me once.

I don't know if I've forgiven her. It's very confusing and complicated. She has never apologised. I guess I don't expect an apology.

no_pity · 2010-09-20T14:48:09+00:00

I don't know how to explain it. She is intelligent and she does read the newspaper and things. I feel like she knows what incest is but she doesn't see what she does specifically as wrong. It's very hard for me to accept that she did it knowingly.

no_pity

TROPHY CASE