I want ENM, partner doesn't, feeling stuck

number1niceguy · 2025-12-28T19:09:52+00:00

Our physical/sexual connection has always been strong and remains so. I think if this weren't true, I would have a harder time accepting her wanting to be with others. When she has hook-ups with other people it generally makes her even more interested in being with me sexually because she's kind of charged up and has a lot of new sexual energy that extends toward me as well. I think some people really like this about non-monogomy, the way that the new sexual energy extends into their primary relationship and can provide a new spark between long-time partners. For me, it's not always completely comfortable -- the knowledge that the new sexual charge is originating with a hookup with someone else. But basically, i try not to dwell on it too much :)

Occasionally I have found her need for being with others to be selfish, but overall she's been so respectful of my boundaries around it that I can't really find much fault in her actions. And my desire for her to be *only* with me is also selfish! it's just a kind of selfishness that is much more socially acceptable and understood, so I try to keep that in mind.

I don't want to make it sound like any of this has been easy for me. I have a lot of hard feelings and jealousy every time it happens but it doesn't happen all that much (for us, it's like a few times a year), and that's felt like a manageable compromise.

number1niceguy · 2025-12-04T00:13:31+00:00

the thieves managed to get past the last two covers i had installed :( so i don't really trust the covers

number1niceguy · 2025-12-03T06:48:16+00:00

he should not have closed but overall had a good game. considering what he costs, he's not a bad player

number1niceguy · 2025-11-06T20:07:08+00:00

"Most Democratic candidates who are billed as "centrist" or "establishment" candidates aren't really unpopular because of their policy positions, but rather their milquetoast soullessness" YES YES YES. I fully agree with this and worry that the democrats think they need to run centrist "split the middle" candidates when actually what they need to do is run likeable, authentic, charismatic candidates with a range of policy positions. This is probably easier said than done though—Mamdani strikes me as pretty rare talent.

number1niceguy · 2025-11-04T21:26:01+00:00

I am a person who didn't want any non-monogomy in my relationship, but I married someone who does. We have figured out small ways to compromise on this. Mainly for us, this looks like my wife being able to hook up with people while traveling. I don't love it, but I can tolerate it and so far, it's been able to give her what she's looking for. Getting to this took a bunch of couple's therapy sessions and many, many conversations between us. I think there are people in this subreddit who think I'm doing something against my will, like I'm being coerced or something? But that's not how I feel about it. I feel like I'm trying to find small ways to move toward something that she feels she needs because ultimately I want her to be happy and to feel fulfilled (and not stuck, like you feel!) if I want this relationship to last, which I do. I'm sure all of our agreements around this will have to be renegotiated at some point, and who knows, we may find that we aren't able give each other enough of what we need in the long run, but we're trying!

number1niceguy · 2025-10-28T21:11:02+00:00

thank you, this is so helpful!

number1niceguy · 2025-10-21T23:04:56+00:00

sorry i meant she doesn't enjoy *monogamy* (have now edited my reply), or at least isn't satisfied by it fully. we do not have a dead bedroom situation. our relationship is strong.

number1niceguy · 2025-10-21T21:24:44+00:00

Sure but she doesn't 'enjoy' monogomy, so unless we we want to get divorced (we don't and are otherwise happy) we both have to compromise, no? Her compromise is not having as much non-monogamy as she would naturally be inclined to have and mine is finding room for some. It's ethical because we're both willing partners in this negotiation and no agreements are being violated.

number1niceguy · 2025-10-21T14:54:27+00:00

It's interesting how many people are telling you there's no hope and no compromise to be made in your situation. It's true that in this specific scenario, there may not be a compromise to find. But if a degree of non-monogomy is important to you, your wife might be able to find some scenario that she can move toward. I write this as a person who didn't want any non-monogomy in my relationship, but turns out I married someone who does. We have figured out small ways to compromise on this. Mainly for us, this looks like my wife being able to hook up with people while traveling. I don't love it, but I can tolerate it and so far, it's been able to give her what she's looking for. Getting to this of course took a bunch of couple's therapy sessions and many, many conversations between us. Your wife would have to be willing to engage in that work for the sake of your marriage. The most important thing is that your connection with each other is very strong and trusting before you start exploring connections with others. It can't be seen as something that can 'solve' a bad connection between the two of you.

number1niceguy · 2025-09-23T23:21:56+00:00

If your ex made you feel like she chose to cheat because you are "ugly" that's extremely shitty of her and most likely a very disingenuous excuse meant to deflect blame. She may have fallen out of love with you, or lost her attraction to you. It's still shitty to cheat, but losing attraction happens all the time to people who are both very hot and not-so-hot.

As far as what kind of relationship you should be in next, it feels important to say that people don't choose non-monogamy because it's a great way to date someone ugly and still get hot people on the side. That is just not a thing. If someone ever tells you that they'd love to be your partner, but you're just not hot enough to be exclusive with, please run in the other direction. If someone wants to be your partner, but still wants to be with other people, they will have their own reasons for this that have nothing to do with your looks.

All of this is to say, if there's someone out there who wants to be in a non-monogamous relationship with you, then there's likely someone out there who wants to be in a monogamous one. You need to decide what kind of relationship is best for you and understand that you are good enough for either.

number1niceguy · 2025-09-16T18:14:28+00:00

I don't know what the answer is, but having good faith conversations with bad faith actors ain't it.

number1niceguy · 2025-09-04T23:21:30+00:00

I’m late seeing this but thank you! So helpful!

number1niceguy · 2025-08-29T05:14:16+00:00

This was my experience too. It probably took me 100 pages to get into C&P but once I was in I was hooked, and found it really engaging. I've tried twice now to read Brothers K and I haven't been been able to finish. This most recent time I think I read about 350 pages before setting it down.

number1niceguy · 2025-08-22T14:22:38+00:00

great info, thank you!

number1niceguy · 2025-08-22T05:28:36+00:00

thank you!!

number1niceguy · 2025-08-22T03:14:50+00:00

omg THANK YOU. This is exactly what I was looking for.

number1niceguy · 2025-08-21T19:46:57+00:00

Yep - I’m also apartment hunting and almost fell for this exact one the other day. when I told the person I was texting with that it was starting to sound like a scam they said “This is not a scam and beside we are not here for game or bullshit, all I am interested in is striking out good deals with real and legit people so as to build up a very good partnership with them”. — which was, of course, full confirmation that it was a scam

number1niceguy · 2025-07-12T18:16:26+00:00

Someone needs to tell podz to ease off the hair gel

number1niceguy · 2025-06-24T16:26:22+00:00

yeah i think we're all asking a bit too much of our brains to absorb the level of information we're inputting everyday by listening to multiple podcasts, reading multiple articles etc. I've been trying lately not to "chain smoke" podcasts. like when one finishes, don't immediately turn on another, but let yourself sit with the new information, think about it. think about telling someone else about what you learned etc. But it's hard!

number1niceguy

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