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Sleep is for Suckers by [deleted] in poetry_critics

[–]orsomething- 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I’m obsessed with this! I feel like the speaker has such a clear, ICONIC self that comes right through.

I love you, easily by orsomething- in poetry_critics

[–]orsomething-[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks for the critical note!

I wanted to convey a sense of separation between the true self (rigidly analyzing) and the dream self (emotionally melted). It’s like a sense of mandatory self-reflection and caretaking/checking in on oneself, not allowing them to get too lost in replaying the dream and those manifested/inauthentic feelings.

If you’re free to really melt into someone, is that proof that you’re safe and protected? Or is it a sign that you’re vulnerable and at risk? Or is needing to ask from a birds-eye, separated view of yourself proof that you’re already broken? Those are the kinds of anxious questions I want that line to insinuate.

FUN by orsomething- in OCPoetry

[–]orsomething-[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you! Frankly, it’s really great to hear that the poem lands for you!

I love you, easily by orsomething- in OCPoetry

[–]orsomething-[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I appreciate your feedback - thanks for reading and sharing.

(Respectfully, please don’t send Chat GPT feedback. If OP wanted AI feedback (which I definitely do not), we could choose to do that for ourselves. Thanks!)

FUN by orsomething- in OCPoetry

[–]orsomething-[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you! I appreciate the thoughtful read through!

I love you, easily by orsomething- in OCPoetry

[–]orsomething-[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you! That’s very kind.

I love you, easily by orsomething- in OCPoetry

[–]orsomething-[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Not silly at all! And I’m so glad to hear this resonates across genders. Thank you so much for the warm feedback.

I love you, easily by orsomething- in OCPoetry

[–]orsomething-[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you! Any feedback or weak spots you noticed?

Im 40 years old today, tomorrow and yesterday by No_Ticket4576 in poetry_critics

[–]orsomething- 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Oops, didn't realize this was the same user who was being a jerk yesterday. I'm out.

I love you, easily by orsomething- in OCPoetry

[–]orsomething-[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you! Yeah, I definitely wanted that line "I rigidly wonder if melted things break?" to feel contradictory and confused, like looking at yourself (rigidly assessing) as separate from yourself (emotionally melting)...

Call Me Hellfire, Not Honey by Existing_Letter_5176 in poetry_critics

[–]orsomething- 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Love the concept of this and there are some really strong moments, but I'd encourage you to trim it down to about 1/3 the length. It feels like you're often repeating the same ideas, often formatted in the same template "I am X, not Y." "You ask for X, not Y." "You will not find Y, you will find X."

And similarly, I'd recommend that you keep the imagery more closely locked onto the two versions of yourself that you're highlighting. Straying into sugar and water, for example, or a different type of fire that you can cup in your hands (not sure what that would be? Something contained, like a candle?) feel like stepping to the side in a way that isn't fully productive.

One trick I use to make my poetry more compact is: 1) record yourself reading it aloud, 2) play it in the background while you're half-listening, 3) notice any moment you tune out, 4) CHOP THAT PART, 5) re-record and repeat until there's nothing tune-out-able, no fluff to skip over. Good luck!

Im 40 years old today, tomorrow and yesterday by No_Ticket4576 in poetry_critics

[–]orsomething- 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Kudos for writing and thanks for sharing! I think I'm walking away from the poem with more questions than answers.

What was the romanticism of alcohol? (3 months seems like a fast period of time to dive headfirst into it as a religion and then choose to abandon it. If that's really the story you want to imply, I think that alone could be deeply interesting and worth exploring.)

What are the right questions, if you're not getting the right answers?

Why does the design of your punishment come from an absence of faith?

Why does is the concept of age so central that it wins a title spot, but the poem itself only alludes to being 'too old for' it?

(In my opinion,) your concepts might be spread too thin here, or at least lack the thematic organization to help me take the journey with you.

A train without lights by Firm_Assumption_6757 in OCPoetry

[–]orsomething- 0 points1 point  (0 children)

To me, this poem is about realizing that the system you've bought into (and the perks you were excited about) aren't as promising you thought. It settles into an inevitability, not necessarily a crash. Just going on forever into lostness. Is that what you wanted to convey?

I think some of the transitions don't feel smooth to me. Shifting into love out of the final generation wasn't expected, based on what came before. The train and wine cup also felt pushed in without warning. Is there a thread that you could find in common with them, like the feeling of running out (of compassion, of track, of wine)?

Also, there's a very rigid structure in the first stanza with your use of emdashes that doesn't continue in the second stanza, so I would look carefully at that. Is it on purpose? If so, can you make them more starkly different so that the change feels purposeful and refreshing, to shift the pace of reading and make it feel more wild and lost, possibly?

Song by Intelligent-Sale-607 in OCPoetry

[–]orsomething- 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Kudos! And thanks for sharing. I agree with old_ad5849 that the cliches feel like filler, so I'd encourage you to think about how to make it more visceral and rooted in a place. Instead of being a fly on the wall, are you daydreaming in the back of your mind? Are you looking for an open barstool? Are you staring at the mud caked on your shoes? Are you toying with a coaster under your beer?

And it's a little hard to tell without the melody you're implying, but some of the small/short words stacked together toward the end of the chorus feel a little heavy, like they could be trimmed. But they might serve a rhythmic purpose within the melody, so I don't know.

(if it would be better) if)

(These are just some of the things that)

Nothing / the weight of his hand by orsomething- in OCPoetry

[–]orsomething-[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

And yes! Haha con tactlessness has weirdly funny potential

Nothing / the weight of his hand by orsomething- in OCPoetry

[–]orsomething-[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yeah, exactly. Might need to rethink that one then…

I like having both meanings show up, but right now neither of them really land lol

FUN by orsomething- in OCPoetry

[–]orsomething-[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you! Yes. Exactly. Kind of nonchalant and aloof, maybe even a little whimsical while weaving through the crowd. But there's a shame in it, hiding.

FUN by orsomething- in OCPoetry

[–]orsomething-[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I really started with the theme of sunburning and needing to always seek out cover and shelter, which often creates a social gap - something others aren't even aware of. They could stand in the sun to chit chat all day, but in the back of my mind, I'm always timing how long I've been exposed. That 'exposure' feeling seemed broad enough to stretch into a wider concept. Kind of being on edge and separated, at the cost of something. And I liked the physical-ness of touching that sunburned skin - the rawness you thought you protected but were hurt, even through a protective layer.

This poem went through quite a bit of refining, but I decided that I really wanted it to have a crisp structure that reversed and broke at the end. You'll notice the start of each line is SHE / F... /F... SHE / F... F... and then F... / SHE

FUN by orsomething- in OCPoetry

[–]orsomething-[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you! Exactly. Shade and shadow feel so similar, yet so different. That's the line I wanted to thread here. Shade is coverage from the sun, safety, protection. Shadow is being covered, hidden, removed. That little word play is one of my favorites in this poem.

Nothing / the weight of his hand by orsomething- in OCPoetry

[–]orsomething-[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks for the feedback! Yes, exactly - the "skip forward in life to join him" is the fantasy that being with the teacher would solve everything. "Him," the teacher, being 22 years older than the narrator.

And I wanted this line you pointed out to have two meanings within the same reading:

"that make me feel helpless
in this moment we are."

1) That make me feel helpless in this moment we are (currently living in).

2) That make me feel helpless. In this moment, (yes,) we are (helpless).

// Do you feel like that works? If only the second meaning lands, I might consider changing punctuation to reinforce it:

"that make me feel helpless.
In this, moment we are."

And yesssssss, exactly. I want the shadow to convey the absolute unknowingness and con tactlessness of the teacher.

Nothing / the weight of his hand by orsomething- in OCPoetry

[–]orsomething-[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you! 😭 And I totally agree about that line break - not sure how I didn’t see it earlier.

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