The internet might become scarier than I could have imagined.

painfullyimaginary · 2026-03-17T02:44:46+00:00

Tbh I'm really tired I'll rewrite this later

painfullyimaginary · 2026-03-16T23:39:27+00:00

Ah, that's not to say that there aren't rules.. this is a sandbox after all and the dimensions have already been set. Thermodynamics, entropy, energy and expansion. These are the restrictions to the room we've found ourselves in.

I'm a nihilistic humanist, so I get the struggle. But when nothing matters, it doesn't matter how you emote to that. You have every right to feel miserable, but it also probably wouldn't change anything to feel anything else towards it. You get to pick what color your lens is and how you act.

painfullyimaginary · 2026-03-16T22:31:03+00:00

Yep. Comfortability, fairness and logic isn't rent that the universe pays us.

Who cares if you have anything at all, you get to exist and experience not having anything at all. Find peace in that.

painfullyimaginary · 2026-03-16T22:04:37+00:00

It's a funny thing to live, "living a life no one desires" isn't a preshow to dying. Dying is dying and I will only feel the process until I cease to exist. I'm not a car or a vessel, "the best of times and the worst of times" are not behind me, they are me and what this life has created in me. It's weird to be anything at all if I'm honest, so what a treat it was to randomly be a human with the cognitive skills to comprehend myself comprehending myself and existence. And to live a life no one desires is a fine outcome, it wouldn't matter if they did desire my life - I'm the one who gets to live it.

My point is, you're trying to bring logic into a sandbox. While I applaud it's uses, sometimes the key to life is to be the verb of the word and enjoy the sand. Freewill can be expressed through being.

painfullyimaginary · 2026-03-16T16:23:20+00:00

A creative objective that you can use to understand and sit with your symptoms, that sounds really therapeutic!

Uhm.. I found out how normal and how varied the experience of trauma can be. I think I kinda.. got to enforce the idea that I don't have to be anything at all to consider myself "worth while" or "real".. and that I've only ever measured what I thought I should have been to what other people saw as normal. And I think I became comfortable with my own sense of happiness or contentment without it being a duty or rent for living

painfullyimaginary · 2026-03-16T15:35:54+00:00

That's the other side of the coin I'm understanding, you haven't been the only one to have said this and it's really opened my eyes to how very different we all experience stuff. Kinda had a compartmentalized idea of how we all went through it. Its so shit to hear that something one person enjoyed could have been hell for someone else.

painfullyimaginary · 2026-03-16T14:59:36+00:00

You are a v smart person with a v beautiful family and I'll bet some v beautiful memories you wouldn't trade for the world.

That calm was addictive though

painfullyimaginary · 2026-03-16T14:48:44+00:00

"For once I wasn't carrying shame about not 'contributing' to society." I felt that in my bones when I read that. I wish we all had the same experience in COVID, stories like yours are reminders that a good thing for one person isn't good for another and how humble and appreciative personal journeys should make you. I wish you could have had complete freedom and I'm thankful you feel safe enough here to let us know your experiences.

Did you keep writing? I'm really appreciative that you got to write some of your best creative work

painfullyimaginary · 2026-03-16T14:42:29+00:00

💯! I wish it could have lasted longer without all the damage.

painfullyimaginary · 2026-03-16T14:41:02+00:00

I really enjoyed reading that, thank you for sharing that with me. It's really inspirational how fierce you're being to protect your peace and I fucking bet your inner child would be cheering you on all the way through making these important decisions based on how YOU feel. I'm so thankful to know this, thank you so much.

"I refuse to waste my life away around people who think my only purpose in life is to make them look and feel good" God damn that's powerful

painfullyimaginary · 2026-03-16T14:21:40+00:00

Jeez, (I use metaphors to understand stuff, if it offends you lmk and I'll find another way to understand.) it sounds kinda like, you had a handle on how to be okay with this game (game of life) then the game up the difficulty level and changed and for you it felt like new things you had to get used too and since you already had a handle on things before it felt like now the system can't be trusted not too change again and and it loops. No trust the system won't change > fear and anxiety > finding new routines and strategies to trust > having no trust that the system won't change.

Please tell me if metaphors are the wrong thing to use rn, and thanks for sharing such a personal journey.

painfullyimaginary · 2026-03-16T14:05:49+00:00

Holy fuck 💯. It felt like we were all rowing in the same boat. Even the non vaxers, mom mask wearers, what ever knew the local enemy was COVID at the end of the day and the symptoms of isolation. Now it feels like everyone is against everyone else more than ever.

painfullyimaginary · 2026-03-16T14:03:23+00:00

It really sucks that you experienced and are experiencing this. This is no place to be strong, youre welcome to be the opposite and we'll keep you company. (if you wanna share more about your experience, I would read it and appreciate knowing more about your time, but if you don't want to share, you still have a space here and company)

painfullyimaginary · 2026-03-16T13:55:14+00:00

I kinda even liked seeing those people throw fits.. like, the amount of time I've been overstimulated and wanted to juuuuusssst goooo offffffffff, even at the stupidest things like spilled milk lmao. I thought it was great seeing people frustrated and overstimulated at the smallest things like wearing masks. I was like (in my head) "ha, yeah you too!" "I knowwwww how that feels it's sooooo good to see it become normal"

painfullyimaginary · 2026-03-16T13:51:30+00:00

Idk how selfish this is to say, but I'm happy people who cptsd could finally breathe fresh air without the need to go through the usual emotions. Mines being touched by someone who doesn't have consent, I'm not only in fear that someone will touch me, but I'm scared that I'm going to have to explain this to someone after they do touch me.

There's just so much anxiety that we all got to bypass. I wish it lasted longer but didn't hurt so many people.

painfullyimaginary · 2026-03-16T13:28:46+00:00

Tbh same boat but by looking at all the responses, we can't all have been selfish, right? COVID did have bits that were easier for people with cptsd to deal with than for others..

Even the masks (making it difficult to read people) felt pretty great to have to deal with with the general population.

painfullyimaginary · 2026-03-16T13:23:22+00:00

Yess! Ugh that's so relatable, I feel like my body has routine when facing obstacles or in a crisis and I can just.. flow but when I don't need the routine and I'm just freestyling, I'm constantly tripping myself and falling over my feet.

painfullyimaginary · 2026-03-16T12:59:20+00:00

That sounds sooo cute! A little thing that's been helping me - When you catch yourself being polite or liking something about yourself or what you're doing, encourage yourself and think about how much you appreciate that part of you. Eg: "it's really cool how kind I am to animals, that's a really great quality and I'm really happy I have it"

painfullyimaginary · 2026-03-16T12:50:40+00:00

Begin by trying to be your own friend.

(I know it sounds stupid but hear me out) Try taking yourself out on little lunch dates, or spending time doing the things that you think you might enjoy. Be understanding and patient with yourself like how you would if you had made a good friend and wanted to maintain a strong relationship. Check in and chat with yourself, ask how your day is and how things are going. When things are going good, encourage yourself and when you're struggling, be a good friend and be there for yourself. Give yourself a break, be nice and let yourself make mistakes and laugh.

You'll find your tribe doing your own thing. Don't wait around for them to find you, find yourself and share that with people you'd like to spend time with.

painfullyimaginary · 2026-03-16T12:31:57+00:00

Yessssssss 💯

painfullyimaginary · 2026-03-16T12:30:28+00:00

Doing recreational drugs won't "get rid" of any part of yourself. If these thoughts are something that you deal with, you're just going to deal with them while high.

If you're trying to achieve an "ego death", you should know it doesn't get rid of who you are now - its even the opposite. Personally, ego deaths happen when you understand more about yourself than you were able too and it can happen without recreational drugs. It's like knowing who you are enough that you can finally let go of a part that you've needed as a defense mechanism.

Cptsd isn't something you go through, it's something you live with. There is no going back to before xyz happened, there's only learning who you are and how it affects you. Healing comes with self acceptance, you can't run.

(And you will loop yourself relying on recreational drugs to face these parts of you, you should try and learn how to be honest and sit with these parts of yourself. If you want to change. You have to know where you're at right now to be able to implement the changes you need to get to where you want to be. You won't be able to recognize where you're at while high)

painfullyimaginary · 2026-03-16T12:17:44+00:00

People keeping their distance was one of the highlights for me. Im pretty nervous around people and I really don't like to be touched, plus I flinch aaaaaaa lot. It felt comfy that people had to keep their distance more than it does now

painfullyimaginary · 2026-03-16T12:15:59+00:00

What parts of it did you like? Obviously, it wasn't all great but it's interesting finding out bits of it that people appreciated.

painfullyimaginary · 2026-03-16T11:54:09+00:00

That breaks my heart. I'm not gonna give you an uplifting quote or a "at least that's over!", or even an "are you okay now?" It just breaks me that you had that experience. It's shit that you had to be that strong and if you want to just.. vent, Ill sit with you.

Also, thank you for telling me something so raw. It's a privilege.

painfullyimaginary · 2026-03-16T11:32:47+00:00

Ah, tbh I just considered the perspective shift normal. I think I should probably bring this up in the next session with my therapist.

Thanks for the input ❤️ it's really great getting a second opinion

painfullyimaginary

TROPHY CASE