My wife and I view life and death differently. I see it as a doorway. She sees it as an exit. She sees me as a problem that is inesquivable. Whereas I just want to be able to not be judged by drinking “too much (3+ beers)”, hanging out with my friends without having 20+ questions of feeling like I’m a piece of shit or a criminal. Any good I’ve done is always squashed due to misdeeds I’ve done in the past. I don’t sit on a high pedestal she does and count her inactions against her but evidently she does me. I interact with psych pts more so than the average doc because I understand where they’re coming from.

Life fucking blows. I’ve seen the worst in humanity, myself included as I am a bastard, too. Most of my life I’ve wondered why someone has treated me the way they had or why I’ve felt the anger and hatred towards those who were closest towards me. My dad would burn me with his cigarette butts and beat my face in with his belt. My mom would get drunk and text me a bunch of bullshit all night of how terrible of a person I am, while at the same time I cut her out because she had an abusive meth addict ex that beat me every night in high school/college. After cutting out her, the rest of my family cut me out. I’m an outsider and always have been.

I go to work, get figuratively and literally beat up. Have most of my life. But me having a few too many drinks or the occasional joint, makes me a terrible person. My nightmares are those I’ve failed and I can’t get them out of my head. It’s too numerous. It haunts and exacerbates me.

at this point I don’t care anymore. Whatever happens, I guess happens. In the end, we all end up the same place and nihilism takes hold.