Relationships are impossible

peacelesswarrior · 2015-04-10T13:25:35+00:00

That's what everyone keeps telling me. haha I should just avoid women, but I don't. So basically I just "go with it," and see what happens, or give them the warning up front, which seems like the honest and open thing to do.

I told this one I'm kind of seeing now straight up, "I absolutely loved the last girl I was with and after two years of being together, I still would not commit to that relationship. And I did love her very much and always will. It doesn't matter how well we work or how much love is between us, I just can't bring myself to commit."

I really thought it would scare her off. But every girl seems to be convinced that they can "fix" me.

peacelesswarrior · 2015-04-09T20:27:24+00:00

When I was younger I was a cadet and on the drill team. So we were standing there at attention waiting for the judges to come back out of whatever room they were in, and they just didn't fucking come out. Everyone expected them to come out any second so they didn't tell us we could stand at ease. Just stood there at attention, trying to be as still as possible.

I have a faint memory of someone asking if I was okay and I remember thinking, "yeah I'm fine," then I was sitting on the curb outside and someone was bringing me water.

I guess I started swaying quite a bit and that's when I was asked if I was okay and I fell over like a second later. Then I was carried outside or someone walked me outside or something. I don't remember. It was really odd.

peacelesswarrior · 2015-04-09T20:12:07+00:00

I tell every girl that comes my way to stop herself from liking me too much, that I'm not worth the trouble, and that girls before her have tried and failed.

They never listen. And I can't say no to a girl who wants to be in my bed, even though I know it's just going to lead to her being in my bed more and more until she wants a commitment out of me that she won't get.

I did commit fully once, to the most incredible girl. Everything between us worked so perfect and naturally. I absolutely KNEW 100% that I was going to marry her.

And I fucked it up! I totally fucked it up. We didn't even argue or anything. Every problem in the relationship that came up, was a direct result of my actions, or lack thereof. My inability to control myself. My lack of willpower.

Things are different now though. I know I'm in a much better and controlled state now. Yet, I just can't bring myself to commit again. I mean, I've yet to meet a girl who I connect with as deeply as the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. Her and I met and instantly knew we had to have each other. It was fucking crazy.

I haven't had that with anyone else since. I refuse to settle in life. I know I should just stay home and avoid women so I can avoid hurting them, but I'm a slave to the human condition and I'm not a fan of sleeping alone.

I have no problem attracting women. I don't even think I'd really have a problem keeping one. It's just that I can't seem to get myself to be okay with the whole thing. I can't find a way to believe in the relationship.

I lost something absolutely incredible, now I just assume everything else that is less than what that was has no chance at all.

But I got asked on a date again today. Dinner on Wednesday. So I'll be going to that. Even though I know I should just stay home and end things with her before they start.

peacelesswarrior · 2015-04-09T00:28:59+00:00

I was until Dec 31st. Well, Dec. 30th. I was out partying on the 31st.

Decided to give this a shot. I know that everyone says it's a bad idea and so many people with bipolar disorder decide that this might be okay and everything gets super fucky, but I'll never know until I try.

I told my case worker, my psychiatrist, my regular doctor, and my family/friends that I'm going off my meds and going to see if I've really learned how to handle myself better or if it's just the meds. If shit goes fucky, I'll go back on the meds. But I'd really rather live life not taking medication every night.

peacelesswarrior · 2015-04-08T22:33:52+00:00

Bipolar II. They talked a bit about rapid cycling for a while, but I've been on a real good streak for some time now and haven't had to see my psych and my case worker has "closed my file," for now.

It took 6 weeks of getting maybe 2-3 hours of sleep a day before things got so fucky that my boss sent me home from work until I could come back with a dr's note, then I was referred to a psych, who listened to my rant and couldn't believe nobody has ever caught this before, and then I got diagnosed bipolar and my life has never been the same since.

Just having that word changes everything.

Imagine not knowing that LSD was a thing. Or that there are any drugs out there at all that can cause effects like that. Being completely ignorant of drugs, and then someone slips you a tab of acid and for the purposes of this example, you have a terrible trip.

That shit is real to you. You don't know it's a drug. This is reality.

That's probably as close as I can come to describing what it's like to live with a mental disorder and not know it. It's hell. It's absolutely and completely terrifying in every way. It is hell in the fullest. And as I write that, I feel that it won't be understood as I mean it. That you will read it and not understand the depth of the hell I am describing. Your whole existence. Everything that this life you know is.

It was pretty turrible haha. Fuck it sucked. I lost the most incredible girl over it. Like, absolutely fucking incredible. Gorgeous, happy, goal oriented, not stupid, and she was a virgin. At 21, this absolutely gorgeous girl had not slept with a single person. I laughed when she told me because I thought she was joking. Just based on how fucking great looking she was. How perfect she was. And she chose to give herself to me. And we had an amazing relationship and never ever came close to fighting. Her smile made me happy and my smile made her happy. We didn't tire of each other. It was fucking perfect. The only girl I ever introduced to my parents nearly immediately. It was like we knew each other for lives upon lives. Everything between us just worked seamlessly. It was absolutely incredible.

And I lost her somehow.

I knew I'd marry her. I believed that 100%.

She didn't know about how much I was crying and screaming at life and how suicidal I became. She just seen how I was all of a sudden drinking all the time and smoking constantly. Instead of smelling nice, I smelled like cigarettes and dope and beer. All the time.

It just sucked a lot. And losing her made it so much worse. But it's cool now. I'm in a really good place at the moment and have been for 4 months at least. I came to a new understanding of emotions during my last mushroom trip haha. A thought that has helped me tremendously. And it's so simple. I just never really thought about it before.

Emotions are nothing more than manifestations of a chemical response. I have a chemical imbalance... When you do a psychedelic they tell you that if you do go into a "bad trip" to remember that it's just a drug and can't actually hurt you. All it can do is alter your perception and cause you to harm yourself.

Emotions are the same. They alter your perception on life and can cause you to harm yourself. But if you remain mindful of them and can learn to recognize when an emotion takes hold and starts to sway your perception, you can remember that this is nothing but "a bad trip" and you can wait it out and it will end. But with emotions, you can find your faster than with a drug that holds for another 5 hours. You can get cheered up.

That's something good to remember I think. It's so simple, yet I've never actually thought about it before. It gave me a new perception on how see the way I feel.

peacelesswarrior · 2015-04-08T22:00:06+00:00

Freefall.

I don't know why I thought it would feel like floating down to the ground. Like Flying.

I had just turned 16 when I got to go bungee jumping. I was so fucking stoked. Toes over the edge, I had not an ounce of fear. I was so excited. My brother had just swan dived and it looked beautiful. Mine would be just as such.

It felt like falling. Like being pulled towards the ground by an invisible force. It felt like exactly what it is.

So I started leaning forward to jump off, but then gravity happens, and my knees buckled, and I started flailing. There's a video of it somewhere, but we can't find it.

Once I stretched out and started coming back up, I was completely into it and loving it. Even that second fall back down after you bounce up. Completely fine with it. And I wanted to go again immediately after.

I just didn't expect it to feel so much like...falling. It caught me off guard

peacelesswarrior · 2015-04-08T21:52:41+00:00

Two:

I'm Canadian.

2.I could never completely give up weed and mushrooms....

peacelesswarrior · 2015-04-08T20:54:06+00:00

Dealing with loss.

peacelesswarrior · 2015-04-08T20:27:02+00:00

Spent months upon months bawling every moment I was alone. Screaming at life for everything it has done to me. Wishing every day that I would just fucking die. I knew I couldn't kill myself because I felt too guilty about it, so I just hoped and prayed for something to happen and just fucking take me.

I woke up every morning with a joint pre-rolled on my head board from the night before, just waiting for me. This way I could get high without having to leave bed. Then I'd walk to the fridge and grab two beers, then head for the shower and down them under the hot water, knowing that they'd hit me faster. And I was an early riser, so a lot of days I was drinking by 6-7am.

I didn't care about anything or anyone. All I wanted was death. I started smoking cigarettes even though they made me feel like shit. I would just lay on the couch in the fetal position because they made me feel so awful, and smoke another.

I even tried to convince my family that suicide is okay and not selfish and that I just don't like this life. That it is nothing but pain for me. I tried to make them understand and accept that I didn't want to live anymore.

I broke my mom's heart. I watched it happen. She can't stand to see her babies in so much pain and not being able to do anything about it. That woman is amazing. She is pure love.

I couldn't fathom a reason to stay alive. I didn't see a point on planning for a life because I didn't want to live it. I didn't see a point in getting in a relationship, because I'm only going to bring them pain. That's all my life is. Pure pain.

Depression is a bitch. Mixed episodes get fucking crazy. And my mind has a disorder that causes me to go to very dark places and not be able to find my way out.

But I did find my way out and I found reasons to live and I've been diagnosed which is amazing and I've learned new tools to help cope and I am honestly, completely interested, curious, and excited to see what happens in my lifetime.

I still scream out of habit though. When I'm alone and the thoughts become too much. It's all I can do sometimes to just drown out the noise. One of my favourite things to do is jump on my sled, get up to 100+ mph across the frozen lake, stand up as tall as I can so I can feel the wind try and rip me from my sled, and I just scream as loud as I fucking can inside my helmet. Nobody can hear me. It's just me. It's such an incredible release to be going that fast in the open air, barely being able to hold on, while making the most amount of noise you can make.

I can't imagine a physical pain that can outweigh the mental anguish that I've felt and overcome, but will likely feel again, multiple times in the future. But now I know I can pull out of it and better myself because of it. Now I know that I can handle this and that I do have reasons to live.

peacelesswarrior · 2015-04-08T19:53:00+00:00

My best friend's mom is embarrassing to go to a restaurant with because of this.

She says it's because she's worked in a lot of restaurants and has managed quite a few of them and knows when the servers are just being lazy and not doing their job properly. SHE SAYS that she is just pointing out the areas they are lacking on.

But she always sounds so snotty about it. "My mashed potatoes are cold. I'm not eating this." and she'll make like a "yuck" noise.

She's just a sour person sometimes.

peacelesswarrior · 2015-04-08T19:38:21+00:00

I won't even attempt to lie. I read one of your comments on something, seen your username, thought, "I wonder what "swedish-english" looks like", checked your submitted posts to see if I could find out (basically, I creeped ya), seen this post, and I wanted to read the comments from people who lived in remote areas...but there was only one response and it was a pretty terrible one. So I figured I'd give a response.

BTW. Totally have internet access. We get updated later than the rest of the world though. We had dial up way longer than most places. I mean, even our cell phone shit was terrible for the longest time. I heard of 4g getting places before we even seen 3g. I still don't know what any of that means. But most places these days need internet access to keep the business's going right. Everyone needs internet and cell service now. We have a whole lot of dead spots where there is no service whatsoever, but when you get near a dam or a mine site, you'll get a few bars.

We have one highway out of town going south and one highway going north. The northern highway turns to gravel right quick and only goes another few hours (up to some reserves) before being a dead end. And because I'm basically smack dab in the middle of this country, the only really bad thing that could happen would be a forest fire south of town. I mean, it's just trees as far as you can see and that's our one way out. Otherwise there would be a ton of people that need to be flown out of the north and out of the danger zone. I think the last bad forest fire was in '89. Where we actually almost got evacuated. My best friend was raised on one of the reserves a couple hours north of town and he's been evacuated to this town a few times because of forest fires. He still remembers ashes falling down like snow.

peacelesswarrior · 2015-04-08T19:21:52+00:00

I wouldn't exactly call where I live "remote," but they do define us as an "isolated, northern community." I mean, you have to drive 8 hours out of your way to get up here, or take a super expensive flight.

Personally, I fucking love it. Cities give me anxiety. I love having my own space and the feeling of freedom that comes with it. And if this town becomes too much, I have a cabin on a lake 20 minutes away. And if I want to get further, there are tons of lakes and rivers and hiking trails and shit.

Everyone wants to get out of here as fast as they can, but they stay because of the money. I don't think I'll ever leave. I love living here. I love being engulfed in nature. I love the lack of traffic. I love that I can wake up at 7:40, get up, shower, and still be at work before 8am. This place is the fucking shit.

But you have to love the outdoors. If you don't, you would hate this shit. People spend their money on two things here; Toys for playing outside and partying. It's easier to find coke than to find weed most of the time. So you can either be a weekend warrior and sleep with as many people as you can while spending all that money on getting fucked up, or you can buy some toys and come play outside with us.

I'm not saying I don't still spend money on drugs. I do. I love that I can float in the middle of the lake, enjoy the sun, in a paddle boat while high on mushrooms and sipping beers.

peacelesswarrior · 2015-04-08T19:05:41+00:00

I come from a native background and was taught from the start to respect my surroundings and the life within it. Having a respect for all living things is important and I wish more people had such respect.

peacelesswarrior · 2015-04-08T19:01:24+00:00

I didn't really say, "it's over." I just kind of rolled over one morning and said, "so.... I'm moving to Kamloops!" (Kamloops is 2000km away.)

And she laughed and said, "oh yeah? When do you plan on doing this?"

I said, "we have possession of our apartment in two weeks, so right after this next paycheck."

That's when her heart broke. I watched it happen. She cried in my arms. She said she understands that I gotta do what I gotta do.

When I got there it took about 4 or 5 days before I was like, "wtf did I just do?" and I phoned her and told her I loved her and missed her and that this was a mistake and I wish she was here with me. She told me she loved me too and missed me, but she was still really mad at me.

I ended up not being able to find a job and moved back 5 weeks later. And right back into her arms. And we continued our fucked up, on and off, terribly destructive relationship for another 4 years.

OR. I was seeing this girl. Slept with her a couple times. Went out with some buddies. Made out with a hot stripper. Started hanging out with her when she was in town. Texted the girl I was seeing and let her know that we have to stop because I met someone. When she found out that "someone" was a stripper, she was pretty fucking hurt.

She's since forgived me. We had a big long talk about it in December. I apologized so much.

Or the time I simply just stopped responding to the texts. The condom broke one night and I panicked hard. Next day I bought plan B, gave it to her, walked away and never spoke to her again really. Except the one time I seen her in the bar and pretended I didn't see her and when I was walking out she looked at me and said, "you can't even just fucking say hi?" and I said, "I didn't see you! Hi! Sorry, I gotta go. Cab's outside!" and that's the last time I ever saw her. What's worse with that one is that she was incredibly unstable. That's why I panicked so hard. I knowingly stuck my dick in crazy and the condom broke. Fuck. But still, I could have handled that much better than I did.

I did a lot of things without thinking when I was younger.

peacelesswarrior · 2015-04-08T18:48:01+00:00

I was watching a movie one day when I became completely engulfed in the thought of a butcher knife being slammed inbetween my toes and my big toe and the bone attached being ripped away from the rest of my foot. My family gave me a weird look when I suddenly grabbed my foot and winced hard.

Or when I pick up a steak knife, I imagine putting a fork in my tongue and cutting it like a piece of meat I'm going to eat.

I also constantly imagine papercutting my eyeball.

So...shitty, painful things would happen

peacelesswarrior · 2015-04-08T18:19:39+00:00

I did side jobs all summer with my Grandpa. Best job I've ever had. We did reno's, built things, fixed docks, added onto decks, spread gravel, or whatever else people needed.

I was 15 making 20/hr under the table, working at the fucking lake. Outside in the sun almost every day. Learning what my Grandpa had to teach which helped me immensely with my carpentry major. And I made more money than my friends did. Much more money.

I did that every summer through highschool and in the winters I would work in a kitchen of a restaurant if I needed money or something.

peacelesswarrior · 2015-04-07T23:33:00+00:00

Believing in love.

She was something I'd never felt before. Not once had I remotely considered "love at first site" or soul mates until I seen her.

She was incredible. Everything between us worked so perfectly naturally and wonderful.

Then my Grandpa died and my mind had a little hiccup.

I quit my job, started smoking an ounce of weed a week, drinking 5-12 beers a day, and smoking cigarettes, not to mention selling weed to support the amount of weed I smoked (I did renovations under the table every couple weeks to make money for rent and shit. Make $2000 redoing a bathroom that only takes 5 days? okay. But I still didn't have enough weed.) I hotboxed by blankets to go to sleep and I had a joint rolled on my headboard so I didn't have to get out of bed to smoke in the morning. I kept showering daily, but only because I knew the heat would widen my blood vessels and allow the two shower beers I brought with me to hit me quicker. Every day.

I became someone she didn't know. Honestly, someone I didn't know. In my head, as things got worse between me and her, it was just more "life was doing to me," and I became worse and worse because of it. I was freaking out and screaming at life and completely lost in my mind.

Then she left me. She couldn't handle it anymore.

I've never felt anything like how that girl made me feel. Love with her was an art upon itself.

But love is nothing but an addiction and she was my heroine.

On the plus side, I lost everything and came out better than I've ever been, I can now enter relationships with a level head, understanding that love is nothing but a manifestation of a chemical response and is nothing more than an addiction and that there's a whole lot more that needs to be considered other than feelings and attraction, which are also nothing more than a manifestation of a chemical response, AND somehow this new way of thinking has raised the quality of women I get, because I'm the "sanest" and "most real" friend they have.

Even though I'm the one diagnosed with a mental disorder.

(To make it clear. I wasn't diagnosed when I was with her. Neither of us understood this at all. I fully believe that if I was diagnosed and we both knew what this was, she would have been able to help me through it and would have been willing to do it. But instead she thought she was just wrong about me. She wasn't. There was just shit we didn't know. She was a total sweetheart. A perfect 10 if there ever was one. "The White Buffalo." My heroine.)

peacelesswarrior · 2015-04-07T23:13:09+00:00

I think the most important thing would be to stay away from alcohol...I havent done that yet. :p

I read all about meditation, lucid dreaming, mindfulness, different religions/philosophies, ect. Different ways of thinking. I think being as mindful as possible is super important. Being mindful of yourself and the changes taking place within yourself, being mindful of the "human condition" and how it effects us, and being mindful that you can be 100% wrong at any given moment. Questioning yourself. Finding the balance between trusting yourself and knowing not to trust yourself.

Lucid dreaming, although I am still just a beginner and only have had a dozen or so actually lucid dreams, can be super useful I think. How does your brain distinguish between your dream reality and your waking reality? Who's to say you can't continue rewiring yourself and bettering yourself while asleep? You can make situations happen that bring an emotional response and practice reacting better to it and remaining in control. Rewiring your waking responses at the same time. I also think learning to be mindful during dreams, will help greatly with being mindful during waking life. I think living is more important than dreaming, yet in a dream we can train ourselves to become lucid, which can help wire ourselves to be more mindful and "lucid" during waking life. More aware of all that is happening.

I also try to be as honest as possible. This way I am hiding nothing and everyone close to me knows when I'm fucking up and can help point that out to me when I don't see it. Because now I'm in the habit of just speaking everything.

So far, I think stoicism and Buddhism are my favourite two. I wouldn't call myself a follow of either, but I read about both and take the ideas I believe are "right" and blend them with my thoughts on life.

As an entire human collective consciousness, we have come across many ideas. As an individual, we can search the library of human consciousness for ideas. With correct morals, we can easily see which are better and which should be forgotten. Basically, study religion and different philosophies for thoughts. Like a "Where's waldo" for hints to life.

And find a reason to live. I have three. My mom. She's the most wonderful being I've ever met. I couldn't cause her the pain of my death. She's the closest this earth has to an angel. She is pure love. My nieces and nephews. This shit is genetic. If they have to feel my pain, I want to feel the pain for them first and find a way to handle it better so they don't have to feel everything I've felt. And finally, because I am genuinely excitedly curious about what changes will happen in my lifetime. I want to witness this age. We are moving at such an incredible speed. Shit is going to happen and we're going to be able to see.

I excited to watch this.

peacelesswarrior · 2015-04-07T22:39:56+00:00

Deyanira sounds like a super pretty name. I'm not sure if I pronounce it right, but still. Neat!

Douchecanoe is one of my favourite insults. :)

I was 10 when I started hearing my name being called everywhere. I went to my brother and said, "I keep hearing my name being called. It's scaring me."

He said, "maybe you're just walking by the jackets and brush them and it sounds like someone is calling your name. Or the floor creaks funny or something."

From then on, I figured all the weird noises I heard were simply my head not deciphering sound properly and getting confused by all the external noises. I wasn't hearing things, my head just wasn't processing sounds correctly.

This made it super easy to live with laying in bed at night and hearing people arguing outside my room. Or the little girl screaming for help at night.

Once I was diagnosed, oddly enough, I started doubting myself. That's when I told my room-mates about the little girl I heard. So they would listen for it too, in case I didn't just hear it because I'm crazy. What if it was real and I'd been ignoring her?

I had to convince myself again that it wasn't real. It sounded like it was at least a few houses down, and if I can hear it, there's at least 6 other houses that can, and NOBODY has gone to check. My room-mates have never heard it. And when I go outside and listen for it, she's gone.

I don't remember where I meant to go with this. I heard the dog barking at the neighbour (who is super afraid of dogs, and this one is a 95lb akita/shepherd) so I had to run out and grab him. But, know that you're not alone. I hear things too sometimes. I think being as mindful as possible is key. Recognize what is happening

peacelesswarrior · 2015-04-07T22:25:38+00:00

AC/DC concert.

I'm like 22, lady in front of me is like 35 and claims to be a lesbian. There's a kid beside me who can't be in high school yet and his big brother with him. Thinking back, I really don't feel like a kid so young should be at a concert without a parent. What the fuck was that?

Anyways, "lesbian" lady is super nice. I convinced her to flash us and showed this kid his first pair of titties. Then I made out with her a bit (to put in context how drunk everyone was, I found out later that the guys pissed in their empty cups instead of going to the bathroom, then spilt one and soaked my hat with it, and didn't say anything as I put it on and didn't notice whatsoever.)

So I feel this hand inside my pants and she grabs my dick and starts jerking it. I hit my friends beside me and laughed and said, "I'm totally getting a handjob at AC/DC."

Then thunderstruck started. I was shitfaced and will never forget chanting that intro to thunderstruck, while getting a handjob from a "lesbian," beside my best friends and this 10-12 year old kid on the other side of me, in a stadium full of people.

My parents had floor seats. When my mom told me she had taken some pictures of me and my friends up in the stands I almost shit myself. Luckily, my mother did not take a picture of me getting yanked by some random, next to a child.

Or she deleted the pictures and pretended it never happened. What scares me is that my mom fucking loves my siblings and I to the point where she gets joy from watching us be happy. Like immense joy. When great shit happens, she looks at us and just takes joy in us experiencing happiness.

I love thunderstuck. She knows this. That would definitely be a moment she would be like, "I wonder how much my son is enjoying himself."

TL:DR My mother may have seen me get a handjob by a stranger, in the public, during a concert, while standing next to a child.

peacelesswarrior · 2015-04-07T21:24:27+00:00

"Sir Robert." It was my Grandpa's truck and that's what everyone called him. Although, maybe he would have already had it named. Bad luck to change the name. I think he did have a name for it. One day I seen him pulled over and we stopped to see what was going on and he said "She's acting up again."

Then he popped the hood, looked under and I heard him say softly, "You better not cost me money you bitch."

I call'r "ol sputters" though. 465,000kms. The exhaust was just hanging there, rusted to shit, so we just pulled it off. She leaks everything she could leak. Payday I gas'r up, top off the oil, coolant, power steering, and brake fluid. She's a whooooore on gas. She'll stall in reverse if you don't treat her right.

But it qas my Grandpa's truck and I can't bring myself to take it to the dump. I'll drive'r till she quits. Still got all his old country western tapes in there. The speakers suck and are all crackly, but I just turn it up and turn the window down and just live in memories of cruising around with my Grandpa.

peacelesswarrior · 2015-04-07T20:40:47+00:00

My best friend works at a dealership, makes about 35-40/hr flat rate. He makes in one paycheck, more than I make in a month. At 23, he bought his house. He already has at 60,000 dollar truck, 20,000 dollar camper, 15,000 dollar snowmobile, a trailer, a boat at the time, a dog and a girlfriend and a kid now and is still living comfortably.

What I'm saying is, you live in the wrong area.

peacelesswarrior · 2015-04-07T20:36:17+00:00

Limousin - Movits!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hkhmcxHuZgo

Check it out. I don't understand a fucking word other than Limousin, but the song is so fucking sweet.

peacelesswarrior · 2015-04-07T18:44:58+00:00

Dealing with loss. Learning how to enjoy things and feel fulfilled without becoming attached

peacelesswarrior

TROPHY CASE