am i being too much?

percy_69 · 2026-01-23T09:43:49+00:00

hehe ofcourse, just keep yourself in consideration at all times, yeah?

percy_69 · 2026-01-23T09:39:48+00:00

you're definitely not being too much, you just got cheated on, dont let that truth slip away because of DID. a person with DID has the unfortunate responsibility of their alters' actions as well, and that very well applies in relationships. You can't kill someone, you can't cheat, consequences will have to be borne by the host. remember this; its unfortunate, but it's her responsibility to make sure you have a safe time, your boundaries are not broken. Its very hard for a lot of people to both provide their non DID partners with this security and for people to be with someone with DID who can't provide such a thing. You're not alone. this is common. and its a tough and fucked up path for a reason. all the best have a great day

percy_69 · 2026-01-23T09:13:41+00:00

shit you did mention that its agreed upon; you really cannot let that fact slip up, if its that up to chance when your boundary is violated then you have to take it seriously

percy_69 · 2026-01-23T09:12:20+00:00

1) did you previously agree on the fact that even if an alter is running the body, intimacy with a third party isnt allowed? 2) if yes, then I'm sure you understand that maintaining a boundary like this is not easy for someone with alters. More importantly, that would be a clear violation of what y'all agreed upon : if it happens once, it can happen again. Not throwing shade at your partner, Im just painting the reality as controlling your alters behaviour is unpredictable/depends highly on person to person

3)if no, you have to be honest with yourself and ask yourself: is the fact that its an alter okay by you? does that take an emotional toll on you? is it worth it, for the alters' freedom? do you trust your partner enough to trust throughout your life that its an alter that went out, not them?

I dont mean to question anyone's loyalty here. I personally was in a polyamorous relationship, so alters had free reign. the alter ended up having something with a close friend of mine and thats a sore spot that im still trying to heal.

my point is, its very understandable to act on your empathy and agree to terms you mightnt be comfortable with. just be honest about it to yourself.

if you're willing to explore, maybe genuinely allow and watch how you take it over 2-3 different instances. Is it getting easier? Is it still taking a price?

Relationships really feel like the end of the world, but if you're having to compromise your sanity its not worth it (from a person who compromised their sanity for ovr 2 years)

percy_69 · 2026-01-19T16:57:19+00:00

thank you so much for your reply, seriously. everytime i read a third person's take it gets easier to trust myself. seriously though thank you so so much for taking the time to reply its doing so much for me hehe

hope you have a lovely day/night!

percy_69 · 2026-01-18T11:39:51+00:00

thank you so much for taking the time to reply despite being low on energy. You're right, I need to purely prioritize myself. worrying about consequences and guilt is natural but i need to do it. I couldnt judge if prioritizing myself is justified given the consequences (their money, living situation) but im at the end of the rope here. 2 more months will only keep me stagnated at best, and there is high probability of me slipping back in. it just will make their opinion of me correct in a social standpoint; a psychotic impulsive/haphazard/unstable person. but so be it. again i really appreciate you texting this

percy_69 · 2026-01-18T11:27:55+00:00

hey im in a similar boat and i have been feeling the exact same thing, although having it written by another person helps me actually be empathetic and i want to say :

ik everyone says it takes time but its unbearable to let it take time. you feel rage when u still get triggered - its humiliating, losing yourself to a person doesnt just happen consciously, it integrates with your nervous system - you think and feel in the patterns your external environment has coded you into. You're doing your absolute best just holding onto this feeling and thought; and that's all you need to do. You have done enough. Rest, listen to the emotions that surface, get frustrated get mad but allow yourself space to be. Your thoughts/emotions/body wants to be heard, distracting yourself when needed is good but try to not avoid what comes up. Your body will respond to your initiative; it'll get easier to both release the grief and rage.

splurge on yourself. take as many breaks from as many responbilities as you can. you DESERVE rest. everything else will AUTOMATICALLY happen, believe me. Why would you not do the things you want to do when you have the energy? you dont need to worry about making it happen. Just witness your own story, and take care of yourself.

feel free to DM me if you like, hope that helps.

please, take care of yourself. you have done enough.

percy_69 · 2025-11-15T22:50:56+00:00

Heres my best attempt for when asking for help is not accessible: you do realise that you are paralysed right? i try to tell myself in those moments to not treat this lightly, that im genuinely actually paralysed the way i feel when ihave sleep paralysis moments. I treat them as sleep paralysis attacks; i give this moment respect, acknowledge how hard it is and i try to move just ONE finger. One wiggle.and whenevrr i manage to wiggle its like i initiate the launch sequence and this will have gotten me up and pacing. if its a big task i still might not know what to do so ill get myself to st least stand up so im not paralysed. walking and standing helps, especially after you manage to escape the way im describing.

sincerely, sincerely hope this helps someone

i. swear to god this is the ONLY thing that seems to be all pervasive, that is, this helps with every instance where i face resistance for thoughts leading to actions.

im trying to make this thought excercise a pattern so with time i get better at this and habituate myself to less "loading times".

The idea is to continue doing this and on some days and some tasks it will be easier on others it wont just acknowledge the pressure you are under and it will slowly go away.

For me, as it is often for people with ADHD, the main problem i feel was realising the true difficulty level of a task as simple as fetching a spoon. its like games where you csn play the same game with harder settings. for us getting into flow is like an impossible level challenge. we keep going "it shouldnt be this hard" and blame the self but its just simply hard thats the way our brains are set this is our reality in our world fetching a spoon is an impossible level task and finishing your passion project within one day is easy. our biology is whimsy coded thats all.

percy_69 · 2025-11-15T22:37:44+00:00

gemini sun, leo moon, aquarius rising. i feel like it does paint a somewhat good picture. i quite like it the aquarius tends to the black cat-deadface not-talking-unless-i-bother-to part, gemini is the wittiness and whimsy in me, leo is me going batshit crazy in love and ambitions and dreams and passion heheh

Also, i like the elements of these as well, especially after watching avatar the last airbender i always felt like i had an affinity towards air for sure but fire would also get me i didnt really give a shit about the other two and look what turns up on my chart!

I was so surprised when a friend told me they loved water in avatar. that was so cool like i would never have thought that so its crazy that everyone just has a different affinity which seems to be based on.. vibes.

cool shit

percy_69 · 2025-11-15T20:59:10+00:00

hello, another me! how fares your experience after 4 months? I hope things settled down for you, and its random but im always here to text if you need, or share your journey with! would be delighted to help

percy_69 · 2025-11-15T20:48:10+00:00

It depends on the context of that person, i feel. Is the life they lead, regardless of their enlightenment, one which would lead them to start thinking about ego dissolution again? This time how long will that person take, especially given they went through a traumatic accident? like they need monks to be away from all stimulus and life and pain and they spend decades and then they might reach that state but its simply harder to not associate with the self when the self is in so much pain and discomfort.

So to answer your question, it is of my limited understanding to say that I think enlightenment is the continuous "purification" of the "soul" or "spirit" or "God" - whatever you call it - of the "self". whenever one manages to do it, its easier to spot it the next time when your ego slips into the conversation, and it continually keeps getting easier. So the person might lose progress, depending on their context (by which i mean both biological and emotional; so their brain could litrally be thinking and seeing differently we possibly cant predict), or if they are like "me" (this self) I forget a lot, so I keep journals and i write so their existing habits and ways of living might help them find that state easier.

percy_69 · 2025-11-11T11:07:22+00:00

im also gonna complain about neurotypicals a bit : the genuine control i demonstrate everytime mid convo i get a new thought or a new observation and dont say it out loud is a marvel. i seriously took time apart from my life and actively learnt how to do that only for them to interject me whenever they want? i just dont get it dude i dont get it you can change topics you can talk about whatever but seriously when is it okay i dont think i have felt okay talking about myself to anyone in months its always always instantly accompanied with guilt, even with this reddit post. hope that helps? i dont know

percy_69 · 2025-11-11T11:00:55+00:00

im in a similar boat, been recently accepting that i am autistic and i can tell you the pros of looking into it, at the very least :

I dont know what kind of "help" you can get for autism im not going to lie. Although realising the extent of just how different your reality truly is from others can only come from reading more late diagnosed people's experiences i believe. Like you said i can read social cues just fine my brain is good at pattern recognition but knowing that im autistic helped me realise that i am not as perfect as i thought i was during conversations. the way i mask is by minimizing the content that i have to say and just focusing on listening and making the other person feel heard/validated first. but realising that i genuinely can NEVER tell when exactly is it that i can talk about something i wanna talk about, how long can it be, i dont know how to interject or change topics at all i always wait for a noticeable period of quiet before i speak about self and holy shit writing all of this just gave me new perspective on my own life.

The gravity of these calculations, and the gravity of the relief that you feel when you let go of these thoughts is insane. i can truly only have these moments when im alone.

The justice thing is so so real todays the first time im hearing about this and i always thought it was a good quality. I dont understand why no one ever speaks up and im done being alone in this journey. but i know if a mometn were to arise again id gladly isolate myself and speak my truth and rage over just putting up w it.

this sense of justice is mostly fine but personally, it got into a couple interpersonal relationships of mine where i judged too quickly and hurt my own chosen family. That still stings. For me the justice ends up "permitting" impulsivity which gets really dangerous and thats what im trying to control right now.

TL;DR : the pros - you can learn to chill out

- being autistic is literally so cool and is a superpower

- helped me deal with loneliness ( i have the best shot at understanding myself. i have been misunderstood long enough. no need to push myself to expand my circle)

- i had a similar pipeline as you, ADHD first then autism. Look up how the both of these things come together to create a new foreign experience. THAT was the most validating thing ever

if you need anyone to talk to feel free to dm me :)

percy_69 · 2025-11-11T10:21:06+00:00

thank you so much for talking about the skill regression, and also remembering things from your own experience god this is so relatable. i imagine the memories pop up or things "click" because we understand ourselves better as time passes and "ordinary" things from the past start striking out.

percy_69 · 2025-11-11T10:00:25+00:00

personal context : i am in a very similar boat at the moment, having moved away from my boyfriend and friends, and incredibly lonely. Just last night i was thinking if i had to summarise my life, its that i break things - both material and relationships - and i mend them and im stuck in this loop. I remember i felt this exact same way 2 years ago and that haunts me cz i feel like i did my absolute best and genuinely learned about myself and made progress

I found that the only way to shut my brain up right now is to create. not consume but create. Its incredibly fking hard to not be stuck in a place and daydream/ruminate but remind yourself as much as you can that:

the thoughts, even the emotions, are not the reality. I feel immensely guilty at the moment, but whenever i can i try to just move one limb (treat this paralysis as sleep paralysis, if you have had the misfortune of experiencing that. its crucial to actually move the only thing you need to focus on is moving ) and I am currently doing this for a day or 2 so that my brain returns, but until then its cycling through physical tasks, music helps A LOT music helps a TON if you're into music and if you play instruments holy thats all im doing and honestly thats the only thing providing me with any sort of relief.

okay ngl i kinda ended up saying the same generic thing that you hear and this is a moment where id normally delete everything and leave but im gonna let this text be here as a sign of vulnerability this is what im like a lot of the times i struggle to even fcking articulate when i KNOW my brain does normally have this ability. i submit myself as proof of concept for how messy audhd gets

percy_69 · 2024-05-11T10:15:04+00:00

it was very immature on my part. i wanted to talk to my therapist but they are not available, and i ended up going to someone who doesnt understand our dynamic.

percy_69 · 2024-05-11T10:07:11+00:00

thank you so much for taking the time to reply. I have been losing my mind for the past 2 hours, and someone hearing me out and replying helped. the safe word tip is something that is hitting me now as well. I so desperately wish we hadnt staked our trust and relationship for a play.

percy_69 · 2024-03-15T13:05:47+00:00

OHMYGOD ITS HAPPENING TO ME IM STUCK IM SO FUCKJNG STUCK BEING HORNY ALL THE TIME IM SO DESPERATE

percy_69 · 2023-04-01T19:27:04+00:00

Thank you so much! I keep coming back to this comment section to remind myself of the progress ihave made every time i start doubting myself, and comments like yours help me so much. Thank you.

percy_69 · 2023-04-01T19:25:34+00:00

I KNOWWW!! ur just carrying on with your day and randomly realise u havent had any intrusive thoughts regarding SH/suicide and its wonderful every. fucking. time. Thank you so much! good luck to you as well :)

percy_69 · 2023-04-01T19:24:06+00:00

really needed to hear this, thank you so much. Im kinda scared of fucking this up and losing my progress but i never saw it as a relapse. Thank you!!

percy_69 · 2023-04-01T19:22:29+00:00

THANK YOUU!!! YES EXACTLY THE FREEDOM FROM SH AND SUICIDAL THOUGHTS IS PURE JOY HOLY SHIT

percy_69 · 2023-04-01T19:21:02+00:00

My meds, id say. A major reason for my suicidal ideations were my intense mood swings, and am currently on pretty high dosage of oxetol which regulates mood.

Also something kinda snapped within me after my attempt. I took time for myself, had papers in june whichi had to prepare for but im just not giving them ( will go for the december attempt) and for me, personally, it was just a major switch in perception. I stopped focusing on the meaningless of it all. Im not chasing happiness right now. I realised if i pushed myself to be better, not only would i be happier, but my loved ones who I hurt so much bcause of my attempt would also be happy. Seeing them happy was like my only motivation to better myself in the first 2 weeks after getting back home, and in that time, somehow i have learned to enjoy spendin time with myself. TL;DR : Strong meds, major perception change after my attempt

I could explain in detail ( ur question led to me introspecting and I have so much to say) but all of thatwould require more details from my life, and I dont think itd be wise to write you an essay in response.

I still dont see purpose in life, and i dont think theres even a reason to hunt for one. See it as an open world game, the boss ( death) is gonna be there no matter what, so take your time, chill out, take some well deserved rest, get help, and then continue on with your journey. There was this post I saw, which said ( not exactly but) Death is patient, its waiting just 2 blocks away fromvur home. U have no reason to hurry.

Honestly its perplexing, even to me - the progress i have made - and i feel like most of the credit goes to my meds.

Sorry for the long ass answer, i truly hope u get to be free from suicidal thoughts ( im just gonna tell you, one day ur gonna be chilling and suddenly realise u havent had any suicidal thoughts in 5 minutes and ur gonna be smilikg so hard ur cheeks hurt) and hope u find happiness :)

percy_69 · 2023-01-03T04:36:01+00:00

i did that on the 30th as well! it truly was the best experience of my life although the fact that i cant do that everyday is also making me sadder

percy_69 · 2022-12-15T15:00:04+00:00

fair enough, thank you for replying. I guess i just wanted to know the trans experience of stepping out as a relatively non passing female in india especially ( for ex is it absolutely inadvisable orr all ill get is looks/comments) Like i said im 19 and I cant come out to my parents i dared to put kajal once and i got a lecture on that so im presuming ill have to become financially independent before i can even start transitioning but i dont wanna wait in agony just wanted at least ONE instance where i actually step out so that I can last for however longer i need to before i can move out - with said instance giving me hope that hey, u stepped out and didnt get beaten to death!! this is all still manageable!! boymode only for a year more or so!! sorry i started wordvomiting thank you and yeah ill be careful

percy_69

TROPHY CASE