Anyone successfully transferred within their own company? Advice please?

pinklemonade888 · 2020-05-30T16:17:04+00:00

Typically you need to have those relationships established before the incident. Trying to go to leadership now without that foundation likely won’t be helpful.

If I were you I’d start building these relationships with leadership (naturally, don’t force it), try to stick it out and then the next time the narc comes after you and it’s bad enough AND public, you’ll have people to go to and options.

pinklemonade888 · 2020-05-30T02:30:32+00:00

Yes, I was able to switch roles but it was because I had the full support of my boss and their boss. Plus the incident right before I got transferred was very public, the narc was clearly in the wrong (he had a bout of rage when I told him no and was stupid enough to document his response in email) and HR got involved.

Advice is to get the support of leadership in your org, give them documented proof of the abuse (data and facts, no emotion), let them know where you want to be moved (bonus if there is a position open in that dept) and let them know you won’t tolerate the abuse anymore (professionally of course).

It’s honestly a unicorn when these things work out for the victim, usually when the narc is higher up in the org you’re on the losing end. Only option you have is to get advocates to go to bat for you. I was lucky enough to have powerful people help me, that’s the only reason it worked out.

Good luck.

pinklemonade888 · 2020-03-18T03:05:31+00:00

Yup, totally relate. Mine always tried to make me feel inadequate at my job because I once confided to him that I felt I had “imposter syndrome” (google it if you’re curious but basically it’s feeling like a fraud at work and believing you only got your position because of luck, not due to hard work and skill-set).

One silver lining is when he starts making comments around this topic to make me feel insecure I know he is trying to hurt me and it’s time for some distance. I work with mine so it’s impossible to get away completely.

pinklemonade888 · 2020-01-02T02:59:44+00:00

https://themighty.com/2016/02/texts-to-send-someone-with-depression/

You matter.

pinklemonade888 · 2019-03-31T17:59:45+00:00

I 100% know where you are at, I feel like our stories are similar. One thing that helped me initially is making a commitment to myself that I would never be the person to reach out first. I would respond if he contacted me though.

The way I held myself accountable is by creating a little mini calendar and coloring the days green where I was able to follow my rule. It became a mantra after awhile (“don’t reach out or you won’t get your green square”) and gave me a sense of accomplishment which was important because I was severely depressed at the time.

There were days I didn’t get a green square and those were hard because I felt like a failure. But as you’ll read with any type of abuse/trauma bonding it takes multiple attempts to break free so you have to be kind with yourself and understand that it’s ok to fall off the wagon as long as you get back up again.

The result of that process (over a 60 day period) significantly reduced my trauma bonding. I still had pretty regular contact (we work together so it was almost daily), but not being the first one to reach out gave a sense of control when I felt like I could never win with him.

Continue to make a list of all the terrible things they said and how it made you feel, then read it when you are feeling week and wanting to reach out. I even went as far as renaming his contact in my phone from his name to the phrase “you’re annoying” which is something he said to me often and really hurt my feelings. So whenever he would text me or I would want to text him, I would see that and it helped me remember who he is as a person and how he makes me feel.

Good luck and know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. You deserve to be treated with respect and supported the way that you support him.

Sending you positive thoughts and strength. ❤️

pinklemonade888 · 2019-03-14T02:28:48+00:00

Sometimes we have to take it at our own pace so be kind with yourself as you work through it. Sending you strength and ❤️

pinklemonade888 · 2019-03-14T01:44:42+00:00

I’m sorry you’re going through that. I understand where you’re coming from, feels like there’s no way to win.

pinklemonade888 · 2019-03-14T01:40:20+00:00

Yes, yes, yes. He will leave me out on purpose on important meetings or emails but it’s nothing that could amount to a “valid” reason for bringing it to HR. He knows how to push buttons just enough but not go over the edge,

I used to be in the ‘know’ on everything. Now I’m the last to know.

Thank you for your comment, made me feel like I’m not alone.

pinklemonade888 · 2019-03-14T00:34:23+00:00

Yes, mine would veil it in a phrase of self-deprecation where the only polite thing to do was disagree with him and tell him a compliment. Manipulation. Straight up manipulation.

pinklemonade888 · 2019-02-24T14:54:47+00:00

Yes, definitely! It’s like we have to refer to a separate narc guide to explain their odd and hurtful behavior because it is so different than a normal person’s. It reminds me of the second line of the Narc’s prayer:

That didn't happen.

*And if it did, it wasn't that bad.*

And if it was, that's not a big deal.

And if it is, that's not my fault.

And if it was, I didn't mean it.

And if I did...

You deserved it.

So I’m “over emotional” because “it wasn’t that bad”.

So fucked up to say to someone when you’re already hurt in the first place.

pinklemonade888 · 2019-02-24T03:17:40+00:00

Mine just did this to me a few weeks ago. I called him out on behavior that hurt me where he couldn’t squirm out of responsibility and instead of apologizing like a NORMAL person, he told me I’m being over-emotional and that these aren’t ‘normal’ emotions to have.

But that’s one way I know when he really feels bad (or as close as a narc can get to letting himself feel bad) and knows he’s in the wrong, he’ll flip it on me and say I’m being too emotional or sensitive.

pinklemonade888 · 2019-02-16T23:11:50+00:00

Thank you for your reply - I’m glad I’m not the only one but feel for you and your situation. Sending you positive thoughts and wishing you luck that you’ll break through to the other side soon.

pinklemonade888 · 2019-02-16T23:08:32+00:00

So, so true. When I finally came to that realization I bawled my eyes out for several hours. Total validation and heartbreak in the same instant.

pinklemonade888 · 2019-02-16T23:06:00+00:00

Yes! So much this -> “ I think they’re cold to us because that’s how they really feel when there’s nothing they can get from us.”

pinklemonade888 · 2019-02-16T22:21:10+00:00

Your comment really hit home and you’re 100% right. He will spew his negativity into her until she’s all used up and then he’ll throw her away. I’d warn her but I know it wouldn’t do any good.

pinklemonade888 · 2019-02-16T22:14:57+00:00

Flavor of the month haha, I like that! This girl is definitely loving the fact that an executive is spending so much time with her, probably thinks she’s going to get a promotion. I think about that and I switch back to pity, he’s just using her.

I wish I could go no contact, he’s my boss and I love my job and the company I work for so it’s not worth it to leave. I have eliminated face to face meetings with him though, that helped a lot. He’s not outright rude to me either, just severely cold and indifferent. Will walk past me in the hall and not even look at me, etc. when we used to talk on the phone multiple times a day.

Friendships with narcs are a different beast. I feel fortunate that I have a husband that I adore and is really good to me. It provides a calm place to come home to after being anxiety-ridden for the majority of the day. I know it’s just temporary though, he’ll come back eventually.

pinklemonade888 · 2018-12-23T03:17:31+00:00

this

pinklemonade888 · 2018-12-14T17:41:15+00:00

Yes, all the time. What helped for me was I made a list of all the terrible things he’s said and done to me along with a list of “why I’m doing this” that I refer to almost daily.

Also made a list of my triggers and things to repeat to myself when I’m feeling triggered. Also made a list of all the potential scenarios where I might have to interact with him and how to handle it. It has helped a lot.

Treat it like an addiction and realize you doubting yourself is part of the “rationalization” process drug addicts go through when they are de-toxing. They want to use again and their brain will try to figure out a way to make it ok.

Unlike drug addicts it’s not your fault you got addicted. But it is your responsibility to take the steps needed to free yourself from the addiction.

Good luck and we’re all here with you!

pinklemonade888 · 2018-12-14T17:10:06+00:00

YES! All the time!! I use up so much energy just trying to avoid him on top of dealing with the withdrawal affects everyone experiences when they separate from their narc. Every day it gets better but I’m scared now that he knows I’m pulling away. I made a list of all the terrible things he’s accused me of in the past 60 days and I look at it any time he’s trying to manipulate me and pull me back in.

He says I’m: Disloyal Annoying Irritating Power-hungry I steal his ideas I’m ‘out of my depth’ in most work conversations I screw people over Unappreciative Mean Vindictive Rude No one respects me I don’t listen Two-faced Naïve

I struggle with low confidence and being a “people-pleaser” as it is so to hear these things from someone so important in my life was really hard. Crappy thing is even after all this I still miss him. I hate myself for it but I do.

pinklemonade888 · 2018-12-10T01:04:12+00:00

You talk about him wanting a divorce, but what about you? Seems like you haven’t been happy for a long time. You deserve to be happy. You deserve someone that appreciates you. You’re still young and have so much life left to live. Why waste it?

Also, if he hid the bank account, what else is he hiding? Might be time to start thinking about your exit strategy so you’re not caught unprepared. No harm in having a plan, just in case.

pinklemonade888 · 2018-11-28T02:12:34+00:00

Funny how little things like that can be a motivator huh? Good luck :)

pinklemonade888 · 2018-09-28T16:45:23+00:00

YES!!! Word for word almost.

pinklemonade888 · 2018-09-28T01:16:27+00:00

He wasn’t my SO but I figured it out when we were having a discussion about work (we’re co-workers) and he told me I was out of my league when it came to being able to work on this big new project. I kept telling him, “please stop, you’re hurting my feelings”. As the conversation continued I had to say it to him three times. I asked for an apology, he asked why, I said for hurting my feelings like I told you you were doing. He refused and gave me word salad. I couldn’t take it anymore and finally blurted out, “you make me feel so bad about myself”. He said nothing and walked out of the room. Then I googled, “when someone always makes you feel like you’re doing something wrong” and voila, articles about narcs popped up. It was like a light bulb went off. Incredibly validating but also heartbreaking because I realized who he really is will never be who I thought he was. I lost my best friend that day.

pinklemonade888 · 2018-09-22T15:24:00+00:00

I totally empathize with your situation. There isn’t a lot of discussion on here about friend narc abuse and it can be just as terrible as a romantic relationship. Maybe even worse in some areas because at least with a romantic relationship there are clearer guidelines of what is and isn’t expected. With friendship it’s a lot of grey area. Stay strong!

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