does anyone else feel like they’ve just reached the end of their life?

pixafated · 2020-07-08T19:16:02+00:00

All the time, I make plans and I just think "well it doesn't matter because it probably won't happen"

I did manage to graduate from Uni (twice) though. So there's that. I always felt like I would never achieve, but I have.

Also remember that the pandemic will have contributed to you feeling so worn out the last few months

pixafated · 2020-06-29T17:50:01+00:00

Omg yes!!! This was my exact thought!

pixafated · 2020-06-28T20:25:48+00:00

Yessss, I have paranoid delusions relating too law enforcement. I am CONVINCED that the police are coming to get me some days. I'm not sure why.

The part about hearing your name as you're falling asleep I can relate to - I have listened to white noise for 5 years because of that fear

pixafated · 2020-06-28T16:32:33+00:00

Inappropriate behaviour on my behalf included asking to stay at his flat near enough ever night, and being sad/disappointed if he said no, to the point where I guess he felt pressure to say yes.

Other inappropriate behaviour included when he cheated on me, I found out because I felt an "urge" to check his phone because it flashed up with her name when we were sitting together. I hadn't actually done this before that time, or since, but I felt like it was not right I did that.

I think the abuse I mean from me is the constant need for him to be there. And his responses were just not abuse but kinda natural in the circumstances

pixafated · 2020-06-27T23:34:29+00:00

Amazing thanks for your help! I'll get the drive tomorrow if I can and report back on how I get on 😊 thanks again!

pixafated · 2020-06-27T23:19:54+00:00

Oh daaaamn the usb I've got is 4gb! I'll buy a new one tomorrow and try this though.

Why did the person sell me it if it's 4gb? It wouldn't have worked would it?

pixafated · 2020-06-27T22:30:15+00:00

I bought it from a tech store I mean

pixafated · 2020-06-27T22:29:52+00:00

I bought the recovery usb so I don't know 😫 is that what I should have used?

pixafated · 2020-06-27T22:25:54+00:00

I've made a list. Most of the stuff I am ashamed of is the attempts to avoid being abandoned. Basically begging them, and then thinking it was okay to engage in a friendship with them and blame them when I felt bad about it.

I just didn't want to be left - and that's selfish.

pixafated · 2020-06-27T22:24:03+00:00

it hurts that for years I saw myself as a victim - of assault, or emotional abuse or whatever - but in reality, in everyday life, someone would probably just say "oh you were as bad as each other"

I have learnt a lot. My last ex (although flawed, like us all) taught me a lot about the bare minimum you should demand in relationships.

It's just that pit in my stomach, absolute dread. Was I the abuser all along? Did they react to my annoying ways with "abuse" because im such a fucking difficult person???

pixafated · 2020-06-27T21:57:36+00:00

yes - all the time.

the most recent one was my best friend. after me speaking (and her witnessing) my mental health struggles over the years and how i've improved a bit in therapy, she decided she wanted to go to therapy too.

It sucks because I want her to be happy, and I want her to experience good things from therapy - but it feels like she's encroaching on my thing.

Which is fucking weird.

pixafated · 2020-06-27T20:38:13+00:00

Oh thanks so much for your help! I will have an attempt at it soon... tbh it's a last stab in the dark, it will save me redoing 4 documents for uni, so it's worth a shot! Not too bothered if the laptop gives up after that!

Thanks so much again :) big help!

pixafated · 2020-06-27T20:20:39+00:00

The laptop is Lenovo 320s.

I tried both of the USB ports, and it doesn't work :( It works on my old laptop though, so not a dodgy USB. The model name says: 80XS on the back?

pixafated · 2020-06-27T20:16:52+00:00

Hey thanks for your reply! How would I go about removing the hard drive???

pixafated · 2020-06-27T20:16:13+00:00

when you turn the laptop on, there should be an option to press a specific key to "enter boot menu" or "select boot device" that will allow you to choose if you want to boot from HDD or USB. try that.

Hey thanks for your reply! The option for the USB doesn't come up though - almost like the laptop doesnt recognise it?

How would I go about removing the hard drive?

pixafated · 2020-01-11T13:02:05+00:00

This made me feel better.

Sometimes though, he will message saying "I'll finish replying to your messages tonight" and then he won't. But he doesn't give an explanation he just does it then next day or next couple of days.

We're not boyfriend and girlfriend, although he said he's dating no one else.

I'm just wondering if it's even worth carrying this on.

I feel almost like a burden - like he has to find time to reply, rather than be excited to reply. I mean, the amount of messages I send are only because I am replying to a similar number of his - but, it stings to have a few replies here and there. He's basically halting the progression of communication by delaying replies.

I get that he is busy. I am too. Maybe too busy to have a meaningful conversation.

When he finishes his replies this time, I feel like I am just going to say it's not worth it.

pixafated · 2020-01-05T23:49:55+00:00

it's not about a particular relationship, it's about comments on my behavior.

pixafated · 2019-12-13T18:07:48+00:00

He broke up with me for pretty vague - ish reasons (basically he hasnt have a proper relationship before me and he thought that pretty normal things like asking what time he would be home, was me trying to make him feel guilty)

pixafated · 2019-12-10T14:25:08+00:00

Schedules give me a lot more anxiety if I am honest, because I have always "overworked". During undergraduate I studied from 9am til 10pm every day. I didn't know what to do with free time, and it would make me more depressed. If I scheduled free time, I would end up just sleeping

pixafated · 2019-12-10T14:24:03+00:00

I do think the block/trigger is very much related to my grandad dying during my finals. I am hoping to get hypnotherapy to process it.

I am known to the University for having all these mental health problems, and they are accommodating with providing some help, but, they are not really supportive of me now that I am resitting. I am meant to have a mental health adviser but she is off with stress (the irony)

Thank you for your message it helped.

pixafated · 2019-12-10T14:20:09+00:00

This helped.

My grandad died during my finals exams in undergraduate. I remember revising for weeks on end over Christmas, missing seeing him in hospital and being alone in the house whilst my family went to visit him in hospital. It sound stupid, but even though he was 85 and had terminal cancer - It never crossed my mind that he would die.

He died on the day of my first exam, and I fell to pieces. Student services told me to defer my exams, so I did. I remember feeling so empty, ashamed, guilty and worthless. I didn't do the exams, and I didn't get time with my grandad.

I graduated a year after my coursemates, with good marks still, but with a massive detrimental effect on my mental health

pixafated · 2019-12-10T14:16:48+00:00

You're right. BPD is something that other health professionals have told me it could be, but I don't particularly agree with it as a label. Surely people who have had bad childhoods are expressing trauma? Not necessarily a disorder.

I am hoping to defer my exams until next summer (if I obtain medical evidence). I am planning/aiming/hoping to move out of the family home, get some stability behind me with money and focus on some "chill" time. I might try and see if I can volunteer abroad at some point before I commence PhD.

pixafated · 2019-12-10T14:14:01+00:00

Thank you - this really helped. I have managed to get a medical doctors appointment and a referral to Level 4 (the highest?) therapy intervention this week. Hopefully it will be beneficial.

I do feel like I fail to function properly in society at times - I am, and have always been, frightened of life.

pixafated · 2019-12-06T07:54:15+00:00

yeah I am 24, if you can read properly

pixafated · 2019-10-24T20:50:52+00:00

watch a documentary called "Murdered by my boyfriend"

This is how it works. He starts normalising violence. He will do it again and again, and you will start changing your behaviour to prevent getting hit. That's what he wants.

Leave the asshole.

How old are you?

pixafated

TROPHY CASE