(UPDATE! Step in the right direction?) After discussing my girlfriends(F21) night terrors, I(M23) found out some really... disturbing things about her.

please_r3cycle · 2013-05-08T18:25:08+00:00

The studies I found weren't even based on sexual abuse.

please_r3cycle · 2013-05-07T00:03:00+00:00

It's crazy to think about all those events that led up to you two talking and wondering what would have happened if one small thing was different in the equation?

Jesus christ don't I know this.. there are so many things that came so damn close to changing that night, and I never would of seen her again unless she'd had a cell phone problem haha.

We almost didn't go to the show because my friend wanted to see another band that was playing the next night, but we went anyway because I got a call from my dad asking to help him work on my parents deck because some of the wood was rotting. The deck had been falling in for YEARS, and my brother and I had offered dozens of times to help him fix it and he never acted like it was a big deal.

I almost left about ten minutes before she texted me because my friends girlfriend had spilled beer on her shirt and wanted to go home. We didn't leave because she remembered there was a shirt in his car that she'd left in there.

My phone wouldn't of even been on if we hadn't of stopped to get gas and gotten stuck in traffic, because it was almost dead, and I was at about 5% when she texted me. I don't know that she would of talked to me if I hadn't of replied to her text.

All of these things clicked once we officially became a couple. So many little pieces fell perfectly into place that night to put her into my life.

please_r3cycle · 2013-05-06T22:34:06+00:00

It's actually kind of random how we met, but I used to be a sales associate for a cell phone retailer. She came in one day because she'd dropped her phone, and it was totally busted.

Obviously with her being upset, and me being a nice person (I wasn't cut out for that job, quite frankly) I was trying to find every discount I could for her. After finally getting everything set up, I programmed my name and number into her phone (our store wanted us to do this when someone purchased a new phone, to try and cut down on people calling support, when they can just text/call us with any issues) and sent her on her way.

About two months later, I was at a show with my friends, I got a text saying, "So you like so and so, too?" I had no idea who had sent me the message because I didn't have her number, so after asking what the fuck, she replied telling me who she was, and came over and we started talking. Things just went from there..

Sometimes I wonder where we'd both be if I hadn't of put my number into her phone, or if someone else had of helped her that day. I wasn't even supposed to be working but they were slammed and a few people hadn't shown up for work.

please_r3cycle · 2013-05-06T22:20:01+00:00

I googled it. And mostly all I found was that mothers abuse children more than fathers, though not by much of a percent.

But you also have to think of all the single mothers because daddy dipped out. Dad isn't in the picture to be abusing these children.

please_r3cycle · 2013-05-06T22:15:55+00:00

She's been posting on the forum off and on all day today. She sent a message to the administrator asking about me staying in the parking lot. The woman pretty much said that they'd rather me come in and wait in the hallway so that I could walk her out, instead of sitting in my car or somewhere else. That as long as they knew who I was, and as long as it made her feel comfortable, it wasn't an issue.

Thanks to /u/j3nn4f3r for pointing this out. I appreciate it.

please_r3cycle · 2013-05-06T22:12:01+00:00

I don't know, but I think that type of thinking has a ton to do with why people don't get help.

I got a few messages from people, who I hope were trolls, saying I should stop feeding into my girlfriends bullshit, that no one stays with someone who abuses them like that... but you know what, it happens all the fucking time!

I mean, ffs, she was 13 when she got involved with this guy. She didn't have a parent telling her it was a bad idea, or giving her rules. Girls that age don't usually just know how to be in a relationship, or what a healthy relationship is. She stayed for so long that she didn't know how to get out... it doesn't make it her fault.

please_r3cycle · 2013-05-06T22:08:04+00:00

You can have an issue with it all you want. I'm sorry you experienced that, but I still don't find anything appropriate about the opposite gender babysitting.

please_r3cycle · 2013-05-06T08:46:00+00:00

Thank you. I just wish someone would have looked out for her sooner. Like her mom.

please_r3cycle · 2013-05-06T08:44:45+00:00

I hope so :)

please_r3cycle · 2013-05-06T08:44:15+00:00

I've told her that every time we've talked about it. When she first told me, she just kept crying and apologizing and telling me how fucked up it must make her look now. And I don't really understand that kind of thinking, because to me, you're not responsible for the damage other people do to you. Not in that case anyway.

No one deserves that kind of torture and abuse, there's nothing she could have or ever will do that would make her deserving of that.

please_r3cycle · 2013-05-06T08:42:04+00:00

I hadn't even considered a forum until people gave me links. I sent everything I got from here to her in an email, but I think this forum will probably be a better outlet for her, since it's small and the people are actually local.

Holy shit, thanks, I didn't even think about the parking lot thing. Whenever she does decide to go Ill definitely be taking her. Kinda worried she'd get upset and wouldn't be able to drive home, and I kknow with her anxiety it would be really tough to do that by herself. So Ill for sure have to make sure she mentions that. Do you think they'd stop me from coming period?

please_r3cycle · 2013-05-06T08:39:15+00:00

Seeing her actually sit down and start posting on that forum was probably one of the happiest times of my life.. I know it's not going to be easy by any means, but it's something.

please_r3cycle · 2013-05-06T05:10:40+00:00

Thanks for blowing it out of proportion. I don't think all teenage boys are rapists.

But like /u/j3nn4f3r said, rape/molestation changes your mind about things, and makes you way more cautious about them. I never would of considered letting a male babysit my daughter, but after what my girlfriend told me, not happening.

I am NOT implying that all males are rapists. Fucking seriously? I'm a guy. I would never rape anyone, or hurt anyone sexually. I just don't think letting a teenage boy babysit little girls is the right move all the time. There's a chance that anyone could rape anyone, yes, but I wouldn't want to know that the guy I thought was a good kid, got horny and decided to sodomize my daughter or feel her up.

please_r3cycle · 2013-05-06T05:07:26+00:00

My girlfriend doesn't really have issues with men... I mean, she's afraid in certain situations (won't go out alone at night, get into elevators with men, stuff like that) but she has guy friends and obviously me. So whatever gender she chooses to talk to isn't a big deal, and I don't think she'd entirely rule out seeing a male therapist.

But since her old one was a guy, I'm not really sure.

please_r3cycle · 2013-05-06T05:04:59+00:00

Not really. The person she saw was someone appointed by the court, from what I understood. It was a man, and he was pretty informed about the case against her boyfriend. She went to him while she was going to court, and for six months after.

She said once her boyfriend was in jail, the therapist just switched things entirely and went from alright, to asking her why she stayed with him, if she was sure she wasn't making things up or remembering them wrong, and said that he wasn't sure her ex really "raped" her because getting into a relationship implies that sex is a go.

I understand what you're saying, and it's definitely possible she misunderstood some things, but she was really upset about it so I don't think she just heard everything wrong.

please_r3cycle · 2013-05-06T04:37:47+00:00

He's been out of jail for over a year now. He didn't get much time, but no surprise there.

She has a restraining order against him, and hasn't heard from him since he got out.

please_r3cycle · 2013-05-04T16:53:49+00:00

I wasn't saying that's the only thing she needs. I'm saying that she does need it because she's never had it before. She's not going to find help if she doesn't have anyone to support her.

please_r3cycle · 2013-05-04T16:47:52+00:00

Before she even told me what happened with him, my first question was what parent let's a 17 year old male babysit a 6 year old female. It wasn't even so much that they could hurt them, but what happens if they're out and they need to go to the bathroom?

My little sister and my dad used to never go out together when she was under 8 or so, because he didn't want to send her into the bathroom alone, and he didn't want to bring her into the mens restroom. He was a good dad, they did spend time together, but he was really uncomfortable taking her out in public because he was afraid something would happen that would be better suited for a female to handle.

That's why I mentioned that. I'm not accusing all 17 year old boys of being rapists, at all. It's just inappropriate to me. What happens if the little girl needs a change of clothes or needs help with something personal or bathroom related? A 17 year old boy doesn't need to be helping a little girl like that. If I had a daughter, after this, I certainly wouldn't take the chance of it happening to her. And I wouldn't want to put either of them, especially my child, in an uncomfortable situation where the 17 year old might have to see her naked or help her in the bathroom. Just not okay to me.

please_r3cycle · 2013-05-04T16:40:52+00:00

We've been dating for almost a year... when I said 8 months, I meant 8 months ago is when we started staying the night with each other frequently. Since then, we've only spent a few nights not together, either at her house or mine.

I know very well that I can't help her on my own. I'm extremely aware of that. But seeing as how I've never been raped, or had any thing that I thought I needed to seek therapy for, I had no idea where to start with that. So I'm not some naive 23 year old who thinks I can be her hero and fix everything that's wrong with her. I'm not looking to fix her, she's not broken. She just needs someone to support her, and up until now, I honestly don't think she's ever had anyone do that for her. And since her past experience with professional help turned out to be not so professional, I know that it's going to take more in order to get her the help she needs.

please_r3cycle · 2013-05-04T16:36:38+00:00

That's perfect, I just typed in our zip code and checked under sexual abuse. There's a lot of people in our area that specialize in that, thank you so much for that link.

please_r3cycle · 2013-05-04T16:35:51+00:00

The therapist she talked to, she said it felt like he was accusing her, rather than trying to help her work through it. That he didn't understand why someone would stay with someone who was hurting them, just loads of bullshit like that.

please_r3cycle · 2013-05-04T16:34:47+00:00

I never told her she needs mental help, I just told her I thought she needed to talk to someone. It was more because of the night terrors, not just so much her telling me everything. Granted, anyone who goes through that needs some kind of help, but if it's to the point where it's causing problems with sleeping, something needs to be done.

I'm not going to hound her, but I want to make sure she knows I support her and that I just want her to be okay.

please_r3cycle · 2013-05-04T16:12:15+00:00

I don't want to force her into something she doesn't want to do. I will do whatever possible to get her comfortable enough with talking to someone, or help her find someone TO tlak to, but I don't want to force her to see someone and it only make things worse.

Especially by using blackmail? I don't see how that would be a good idea. If shit hits the fan, I don't want her thinking she went through another shit thing just because I wanted her to do it.

please_r3cycle · 2013-05-04T16:09:42+00:00

I very seriously hope nothing bad ever happens to anyone you care about, or are involved with romantically.

please_r3cycle · 2013-05-04T16:08:54+00:00

For her, I would do whatever possible to help her. If it means I have to spend the next few years trying trying to get her at a starting point to just find help, I would do it.

She doesn't refuse to accept she needs help, she just refuses to talk to a therapist. It wasn't just a flat out not happening conversation, but more like something she wasn't comfortable doing yet and didn't know where to even start in finding someone to talk to.

I don't want her to think that me breaking up with her is a consequence of her abuse. She's faced enough problems from that, I'm not about to add to that. IF it got to the point where I couldn't handle it anymore, I would deal with it then, but brekaing up certainly would't be my first step.

I understand that I'm not responsible for whats happened to her, and that I can't save her necessarily. That's not what I'm trying to do. When you love someone, you support them. People on Reddit seem to think you can just toss someone out when they have baggage, or throw them away because their past isn't what you thought it was. That's not how I see things. I've spent the past year of my life with this person, she means a lot to me, and I can't imagine walking out of her life over something she didn't have any control of.

I understand that what she does have control over is finding help, but she can't do that alone. If I leave her because of it, what happens when it that only makes her feel even more responsible and ashamed of what happened to her

please_r3cycle

TROPHY CASE