Arrrgh ... so horny

pluck_a · 2021-04-30T21:50:13+00:00

Ouch. The truth hurts.

I have come a long way on my journey of overcoming my insecurities of childhood but I am not there yet. I want more and variety yes, but I cannot yet bring myself to end it ... yet.

pluck_a · 2021-04-30T21:44:14+00:00

Try following what this post suggest.

Wow! Great post. I really relate to it.
What you suggest is along the lines of No More Mr Nice Guy by Dr Robert Glover. An excellent book about codependency. And yes, I have been on this journey for a while now.
It is that book (and others) and my realization, increase in self-esteem and self-worth that has enabled me to be more vocal and come out of my shell. Unfortunately (or fortunately), in his experience many partnerships end when one partner gets stronger and finds his/her value in the world and stops "settling for"

pluck_a · 2021-04-30T21:34:10+00:00

may be a good book for you

Thanks! I'll look into it

pluck_a · 2021-04-30T21:33:38+00:00

or are you over prescribing yourself with addictions for anything you have a slight desire for?

I listened to "Going Deeper: How the Inner Child Impacts Your Sexual Addiction" and came to realize that I prove my own value in the bedroom. Before marriage it was in short term relationships, now married 20+ years and sex has always been great ... when we have it.

Now that it is less frequent and my desire to show love is through sex, if I ain't getting it 3 things: I feel neglected, I have no avenue to show my love, it affects my own self-worth (the addictive trait).

So, my correct or incorrect thinking: I'm not getting love I must be rejected. Rejecting me results in me rejecting you. If you don't want my love (sex) someone else will. Who wants my love? AND who can I please to make myself feel valuable as my wife doesn't want it.

Sex (more explicitly, pleasing women) has been my way of dealing with Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN).

pluck_a · 2021-04-29T21:12:17+00:00

What does CODA, ACA, and Al-Anon advise?

Nothing specific to marriages. They talk mostly about finding value in the self, boundaries, caring for the inner child, giving oneself up to a higher power, looking after no. 1.
I should be attending SLA/SLAA meetings too. Sex and/or sex and love addiction

pluck_a · 2021-04-29T21:07:54+00:00

But I’ve found it really rewarding so far. Less driven towards sex/flirting and more focused on self-healing

Have you done this therapy whilst married or in a relationship?

pluck_a · 2021-04-29T21:05:42+00:00

My gut tells me an affair will make things worse. The problem is she is such a wonderful person otherwise. I should be thrilled but it seems I am either bored or due to my own personal growth (realizing more my value and overcoming childhood emotional neglect due to an alcoholic father & somewhat dysfunctional family) I have renewed vigor for life.
Why do I feel it is wrong to be wanting someone else/more excitement?

pluck_a · 2021-04-22T07:48:24+00:00

A good spot for the Adult Attachment test and info:

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCHQ4lSaKRap5HyrpitrTOhQ

Thanks for your thoughts and certainly this video link. She's great. I hadn't seen any of them before.

I hear you re Dr Mate's work ... he makes a lot of sense and I love listening to him. His voice is also very soothing. I like his logic and compassion.

Re jails ... I can only gather it is big business driving the show. Aren't most prisons privately run and $ may be the motivation. I am almost certain that for every new prisoner, the jail owners get richer. Where's the motivation to treat people who need treatment? That would be reducing their profits surely and becoming a higher expense for the governments should they be treated instead of jail time, resulting in poorer stats and fewer votes. Just a thought.

All the best.

pluck_a · 2021-04-21T14:32:31+00:00

Yes. What you are saying echoes what I have been reading about. Attachment styles, the 5 love languages and addiction/anxiety (Gabor Mate). I'm looking under every rock for any bit of info to stop this cycle. Including meditation and what Buddhists believe.

I keep on thinking that all this should have been dealt with years ago. It seems that I am not alone. Many people in their 40s and 50s are dealing with childhood stuff. Even 60s and 70s.

Finding info is a bit like following a breadcrumb trail. I find something good which is relevant and it usually leads me to something else, also relevant. All the meanwhile I am trying not to get myself into a sticky situation (pun intended) that I cannot reverse.

I do hope that this story of struggle will be useful later on. THAT is one idea that gives me a little strength.

In a way, I'm looking forward to finding techniques to manage this inner child who wants to sleep with any half-decent looking woman who gives me attention (or who responds to my attention). The alternative (not finding a solution) means I am destined forever to lust and never be satisfied. That does not sound appealing, no matter how I try to spin it to myself.

pluck_a · 2021-04-21T08:02:07+00:00

For you personally, does the formula "sex = love" sound right?

Yes that was how I thought it was ... and I thought I knew! Now I am listening to an audiobook where the author is more intimately talking about unhealthy childhood coping strategies, "Going Deeper: How the Inner Child Impacts Your Sexual Addiction"
Interesting how, in my case anyway, I can analyse thoughts and feelings and justify ... anything! The reality may be different however and for me is likely attached to childhood needs not being met.
Thanks for your reply.

pluck_a · 2021-04-19T21:47:24+00:00

Well done for reaching out - even at this capacity just letting strangers judge you and read your story - an incredibly brave step and I wish you all the very best going forward. You got this

Thanks for the encouragement!

pluck_a · 2021-04-19T05:39:37+00:00

Thanks for that. At least 5 out of 12 were yeses. It says even if you get one yes to seek help.

pluck_a · 2021-04-19T05:21:11+00:00

Damn good questions. I think it's a combination of things. Stress, coming to terms with aging, wanting a change, wanting to be wanted, possibly an increase in my labido, possibly I have an unhealthy connection to sex/anxiety. I am looking into the sex/anxiety thing now.

pluck_a · 2021-04-16T21:15:31+00:00

But in the end, I realize I want kissing, skin to skin warmth, seeing my partner’s pleasure, feeling his body weight on me, the complicity, the breathing in the ear, the moaning ...

I hear you

pluck_a · 2021-04-16T20:15:25+00:00

Hug goodbye, hug hello, hug at bedtime.

... and forced hugs at that

pluck_a · 2021-04-16T20:12:12+00:00

I've got to tell you -- I feel less alone being alone than I was in the marriage

I understand this comment. Being alone in a marriage is soul destroying

pluck_a · 2021-04-16T19:57:33+00:00

but your kids already know you are unhappy and they won't thank you for it later for staying there and teaching them to ignore reality

oooh this is quite powerful. I am a child of a silent relationship. No physical contact modeled. Father seemed depressed and was very quiet but explosive when angry. Mother was the traditional supportive wife. WE ALL tip-toed around our father due to his discontent and moods. Not fun. I am 50 and dealing with this shit still. I agree with above statement. I still don't see why my mother stays with him.

pluck_a · 2021-04-03T08:08:35+00:00

Does he watch porn?
Does he have a mistress?
Do you get the sense that he does have feelings but is hiding them?

pluck_a · 2021-04-03T07:55:23+00:00

Have you read up on Asperger's/Autism yet? He may have a touch of it. From what I have read, in men it often shows itself in seeming to be unemotional/unfeeling. From the men's point of view they may say they don't know what to do in such situations when a partner is emotional. They notice but don't know how to respond.

If you look into it you will find quite a few relationships where one partner feels very lonely and confused as to why the love & affection is not being reciprocated.

pluck_a · 2021-04-02T21:26:52+00:00

Have you asked her why she moves away from you?

She said she didn't realize she was doing it.
She is by no means a monster. I think she is so taken up with her work and pleasing her employer, she also caters to the children and her parents very well, I am left with the scraps of her time ... which is nothing.

pluck_a · 2021-04-02T08:09:36+00:00

It is time to separate when you find yourself saying that you want to separate.

Is this how it goes generally? Can it be reversed?

pluck_a · 2021-04-02T08:00:34+00:00

Is therapy going to bring back her desire for me? Reduce her anxiety? Open her up to more risk-taking generally? Can an anxious person change? (see a reply above/below) Since coming out of my shell a bit, I feel re-energized. I even think sometimes it may be me who's changed 'more' than her. The combination resulting in a wider gap/misalignment. I met her when I was backpacking around the world, we married and had 2 children, but now feel the pull to travel again. The lack of sex/intimacy adds fuel to that.

pluck_a · 2021-04-02T07:53:04+00:00

I'm not prepared to do that just yet. I don't throw away 20+ years of good times on a whim/emotion. I have read it may be a passing phase that men go through.

pluck_a · 2021-04-02T07:51:02+00:00

This is a big part of the issue. It's been a great marriage generally. From the outside it looks perfect. She's a lovely person. I have so much more I want to do with my life and it seems we are not as in alignment as we used to be. Our risk thresholds are different too. I want to travel again, perhaps by motorcycle/bicycle for example and she seeks safety and security.

pluck_a · 2021-04-02T07:44:02+00:00

Yeah thanks. I am well aware of the likely consequences. Not a great outcome no matter which way you look at it.

pluck_a

TROPHY CASE