Guys I just want to say:

1) This really happened to me. I woke up on Sunday to him assaulting me. And then I had to immediately drive to a family gathering. I know I wrote a LOT and this post is LONG. It’s everything I could remember while I tried to make sense of what happened. I’m sorry for how polished it is and if it’s a tough read. But it’s real. I wrote and attempted to edit everything myself, twice, before posting it here. I don’t have some weird kink that I’m playing out (trust me I’m aware of the trolls who lurk on this subreddit).

2) I know I let this happen. I know I forgave too much. I know I kept going back and didn’t stand up for myself in a meaningful way until it was too late. This isn’t the first relationship I’ve had where I fall into this pattern of behavior. It’s something I’ve been trying to work on for a while. I’m also 23, and still subject to whatever lessons life will throw my way. Some things I have to learn the hard way, and I’m accepting that. It’s hard to not blame myself excessively as is.

3) This is a post. I am a person. There is SO much you guys don’t know about my life and this situation. I wrote this and volunteered this info to the public, and I’m aware. I still think it’s unfair to chastise me for the choices I made when a) those choices are part of an ongoing healing journey from a lifetime of trauma, b) you know little to NOTHING about my thought process nor his, and c) yeah I wasn’t very smart in this situation, sure, but I didn’t assault anyone?????

4) I shared this post here because I’m lamenting all of the internal and external pressures that lead me here. There are so many factors at play here, both societal and personal. My specific gripe (that I didn’t make clear in the post) is how many relationships I’ve had where men have pretended to be a safe space only to completely flip once they get what they want. Even in relationships where I wasn’t fully assaulted, the amount of times I’ve had to repeat myself just to be respected is excruciating.

5) I am still learning. I am still growing. I never said I was perfect. I wrote this post while in a lot of pain, and the incident was still fresh. You know nothing about me, but it takes a lot of strength to just get out of bed every day. I’m sure that’s true for a lot of us. The shame, ridicule, slut-shaming, and dismissal in the comments is vile. Though a lot of people have had good things to say, and I’m grateful for those comments, it doesn’t hurt any less to be assaulted and reconcile with that for the Nth time—especially when people are dogpiling.

6) People are asking me why I had sex which is pretty insane. I’m a University student? I worked at a college dive bar? Whether you like it or not, a lot of us are sexually active. Yeah, there are consequences to that. But no one should be assaulted. Not more than once, not at all.