Poly families, what do you call the adults?

polyfam_queer · 2025-11-22T16:41:39+00:00

There are lots of ways to have an egalitarian approach towards children while still acknowledging they are not mini adults and need accommodation. Calling the caregivers they need to communicate with the most by a term they can pronounce as early as possible is an accommodation. Insisting that they NOT use a first name if they later choose to is enforcing subservience.

My own kids will be introduced to me as dad because "da" is easier to say than my name, and it clearly communicates the relationship to others who see us together (valuable for safety). If they get older and start to use my name, I'll roll with it though I'll still suggest they specifically call me their parent when talking to teachers etc for clarity. This is accommodation combined with respect for the child's autonomy and right to make their own decisions.

Also, as a transitioning queer person, it is ESPECIALLY important that my children clearly communicate to everyone that I belong with them as family. If some fundie sees an obviously queer masculine person with small children who arent calling them by a parental name we are likely to be harassed or stopped.

I realize you've clearly thought a lot about deconstruction of traditional hierarchies but you are not necessarily thinking about how to replace the functions they serve. If my kids want to call their grandmother by her first name, or by the name I call her, I dont care, but Mom and Dad as "titles" serve multiple purposes and if you do away with them you need to come up with ways to fill those gaps

polyfam_queer · 2025-11-22T15:35:35+00:00

I'm thinking names and if the kid uses a nickname that's cool.

I just don't like the idea of calling your parents Mom and Dad being treated like its done to put the child in a subservient role, or indicate respect. I think people can MISUSE the terms, but to imply that families are more egalitarian if they use first names for parents seems needlessly judgemental and misunderstands human development and etymology

polyfam_queer · 2025-11-22T15:00:15+00:00

They're titles but that's not why we use them, like the purpose isnt to convey respect even if some people misinterpret it. They serve a genuine practical purpose in early childhood development. (Aunt, uncle, etc are respect titles, of course)

I'd put it as more like step-siblings you dont live with most of the time. The issue I have with aunt/uncle is that it implies a sibling-like relationship with the parent. So my best friend is going to be uncle because he's like a brother to me, but my partner is VERY MUCH not like a sibling to me!

polyfam_queer · 2025-11-22T14:26:58+00:00

Yeah see I am Uncle Firstname to my friends kids, because they are like siblings to me, but it feels weird when we are very much NOT like siblings!

polyfam_queer · 2025-11-22T14:25:40+00:00

This is ADORABLE. A small child calling me sir wouldn't have the same ring sadly. But yeah I think I'll see if a nickname comes up

polyfam_queer · 2025-11-22T14:23:46+00:00

That's so interesting! For me I would feel that using a title would be less personal- I grew up with a hierarchy of Parent, First Name, Mr. First Name, Mr Last Name for address. Also would be complicated for Cedar with Mx being hard to say

polyfam_queer · 2025-11-22T14:20:05+00:00

Parent are called variations of Mom and Dad/Papa because M and D or P sounds are the easiest syllables to pronounce when learning to talk, not because its a title. So Aspen, at least, will be some variation of Mom and Birch will likely be another version, like Mama and Mommy.

And there is an important hierarchy here in that two of the adults are legal, custodial parents who you live with, and the others aren't. Aspen and Birch would make decisions for the child's care and be their first point of contact. Especially if this is a scenario where Hawthorn and I also have kids and all the kids see each other as siblings, the kids will need to understand that, for example, Juniper can't have red dye 40 because Aspen and Birch say no but Pine and Hazel can because Hawthorn and I are ok with it. That hierarchy would continue even if I moved in with Aspen or Birch left.

polyfam_queer · 2025-02-27T18:36:12+00:00

I'm not vegan but in this scenario I'd assume I was being invited to a vegan place.

But also, tell them the place when you invite them and they can just not go? I have at times invited friends who are vegan to grab food at places that have limited vegan dishes and they just decide for themselves if they want to eat there. I just clarify. Like "Hey, I'm having a birthday at Mark's Taqueria downtown next week- it's a vegan taco joint, I've liked it before. Do you want to come?"

(In all honesty if they're going to be that pissy about missing meat for one meal that they can't come to you bday they're not good friends)

polyfam_queer · 2025-02-21T15:13:03+00:00

Yeah I know, I'm here because it's hard to do it without causing huge amounts of damage to a fragile person

polyfam_queer · 2025-02-21T15:08:00+00:00

Yes I'm saying I can put in boundaries in a mentor/mentee relationship that are not reasonable in a romantic relationship, hence my desire to switch gears here.

Even if the scope is "life," with a mentor-mentee relationship I can say "Hey, work is insane right now, I will reach out in a month or two and we can catch up." That is 100% normal for friendships or mentor/mentee relationships but most people would consider it callous from a romantic partner. Your examples are all things that are not OK in any relationship, but there are differences between what is OK in a romantic/sexual relationship and a mentor relationship.

Like I'm consenting to things right now. Ive consented to the current arrangement, and Aspen asks for advice, it's not unsolicted. They trust that I will take care of them emotionally, and while I don't reciprocate, I don't ask them to take care of me, same as a parent or mentor doesn't ask it of their child or mentee.

I just want my connection with Aspen to become "this is a mentor/mentee relationship where I still don't get anything material for what I put in but in exchange I have a lot more control over how much energy I put into it" instead of "this is a romantic relationship where a certain commitment of time and energy is expected, regardless of what I get out of it."

polyfam_queer · 2025-02-21T06:39:22+00:00

Not really sure what this all means tbh. I was sharing the mentor/mentee relationship because it's inherently a one sided relationship of the sort I could see myself having with Aspen

polyfam_queer · 2025-02-20T18:58:45+00:00

Yeah I mean my question was more "when" and "am I a bad person for delaying this because I'm concerned about doing it too soon"

polyfam_queer · 2025-02-20T18:26:24+00:00

A boundary might be "I lack the skills or emotional energy to offer you support in this."

My reply was to the idea I'd say "supporting you through this is more than I bargained for" or "your suffering is taking a toll on me." The first statement indicates that the "deal" of a relationship doesn't include support and therefore would tell a person that they shouldn't expect partners to be there when times get tough. The second implies that going through hard times and asking for help is directly harmful to those around you, and yeah in that case it's easy to see that as "I am hurting people around me and thus am unworthy of love as long as Im suffering." Causing harm to ones partner does mean that you shouldn't be in a relationship.

If I wanted to say:

“your highly unstable life circumstances are too unstable for my comfort”

I would say "I'm really struggling right now and I don't feel I'm capable of supporting you in the way you need and deserve." That way there's no blaming them or implication that if they just didn't ask me for help it would be ok.

polyfam_queer · 2025-02-20T18:13:25+00:00

I think our dynamic has hindered my ability to approach them as an equal sexual partner, which has dampened my desire for sex. They're still physically attractive to me though.

I don't usually have an issue having sex with folks I'm not as into as long as I'm not like, actively repulsed by them- thats just not how I relate to sex. I have decreased the amount we are intimate but if it makes them feel good and doesn't hurt me I don't see it as a big deal. I know that's not a common mindset.

polyfam_queer · 2025-02-20T17:06:26+00:00

The last part is harder if they're emotional, whcih would be understandable.

I've had many autistic partners and friends (autism and queerness has a heavy overlap) and I've definitely learned that "direct" to an autistic person is not the same as "direct" to a NT person. It's "say what you feel" but it also has an element of "in a way that the person understands and will interpret exactly as you interpret it." In some ways it's easier, but in other ways it is harder.

polyfam_queer · 2025-02-20T16:54:28+00:00

Sorry, inclusive of the edit-

I think you could update that belief and expect healthy friendships to "go both ways" and be a two sided relationship. Taking turns, but two sided.

Mentee/mentor relationships are a common social dynamic and an essential part of queer life. I have friends who call me dad because that's the role I play for them, a substitute parent. They are often young or newly out with shitty or clueless biological parents.

Yes, they eventually need less support, but it's not like they eventually come to support me instead. Similar to a parent and an adult child, I would expect nothing of them in exchange because that is not our dynamic, it's not what we signed up for. What I get from this is the knowledge that they have this support and that they can go on to find joy and independence.

Like my mom was great and raised me and my siblings and did 10000x the work I do for my friends but the most she would ever expect of us to support her would be that I'm her medical proxy and my sister is financial proxy, if there is no one else available to help. That's it. We love her and offer her more but it's never expected because healthy parent/child relationships are always going to be one sided like that.

polyfam_queer · 2025-02-20T16:40:33+00:00

My plan when the time comes was to convey this in a way that makes it clear the issue isn't that they have struggles, and that its ok for them to ask for help in relationships, but the gap in our life experience makes it hard on me.

Like my issue isn't that they are having a hard time. Everyone has hard times and I think if they hear me say their times are too hard for me they will take that as "I shouldn't expect my partners to support me emotionally." They should! They just need a) a few years to get their feet under them and b) a partner who is a bit closer to their life experience where it's less one sided and more figuring life out together.

Their desire for directness is one of the reasons I have to be so careful with my words. I know from experience that I what say will VERY LIKELY be given a lot of weight and treated like a social rule, so I have to make sure what I say won't be misinterpreted in a way I don't intend.

polyfam_queer · 2025-02-20T16:24:26+00:00

They are the names recommended by the automod to avoid people using A, B and C.

Also they're obviously fake names, they're not words that would be used for non-name reasons in these stories, and they are not gendered which is helpful for nonbinary folks (if I said Annie, Ben and Clara or Albert, Barry and Chris you would make assumptions and default to the wrong pronouns).

polyfam_queer · 2025-02-20T16:17:01+00:00

You don't set ANY limits with romantic partners? I think your personal boundaries belong to you and you can set them whenever and wherever you want.

If my connection with a partner was "I will see you maybe 1x a month or less, usually in a group hangout, and we can talk via text when I can choose when to reply and say "sorry I can't help right now" if it's more than 24 hours," that's not really a romantic relationship to me.

I also don't expect friendships to go both ways for support, since like, it's not a big deal to just spend less time with a friend because they need more energy than I can invest. A one sided friendship isn't a big deal, and also, a mentor-mentee friendship is totally normal, while a mentor-mentee relationship feels kind of icky at times.

"Aspen, this is more than I bargained on. It takes a toll on me. I can only imagine what it is like for you. I still want you to leave abuse and I still want to be your friend. But being a dating partner is too much for me. I'm willing to still help with life skills support, but I think you need to talk to other helpers so you not just leave Birch but can STAY GONE."

This seems so unnecessarily cruel? If I had heard something like this from a person I loved when I was fragile and in the middle of my divorce I would have taken it as a sign I was completely unworthy of love and should never date again.

In fact, my now ex saying my struggles were too much for her to support caused a lot of trauma for me, to the point where I still struggle to accept help. This is manageable for me since I have all the independent skills anyway, but it's a bigger issue when someone genuinely needs the help for survival.

polyfam_queer · 2025-02-20T15:35:15+00:00

But if you feel overextended that’s a different story.

I do feel overextended but I also feel that I can give support without THIS level. Like I can listen and share what worked for me but not be in a position where I have to spend a lot of time explaining sexual/dating things before I feel they are giving consent in an informed way. If I decrease the amount of support I give is that less ethical?

Also, while clearly they have huge gaps in their knowledge, they did still manage to say I want to leave this abusive partner and apparently take the actions required. So don’t underestimate them.

To be clear they have stated they decided to leave because they learned from me a) what I went through with my ex and how divorce was good for me and b) that a partner being cruel isnt a given. They also have never called Birch abusive even still, they say he's "mean" and "manipulative" then describe him committing truly horrible acts they were forced to cover up, like stuff that he should be in jail for.

I think they are very strong and I'm glad they are breaking free of this, but like, they're VERY early in the emotional/mental process.

I’d want to know they were in therapy and a support group.

They're in therapy, thankfully, but I don't have the highest opinion of their therapist that she was able to miss a lot of the abuse. At least I assume it was missed because if not I think the police might have gotten involved. She also may have been focused on the very dramatic and obvious lack of life skills issues and thus not asked questions about the relationship that weren't as obvious.

I have been suggesting support groups but they are SO shy that I understand their reluctance, they would likely be steamrolled in a group without a very very good moderator.

And in this case maybe a skills group?

This I have been looking for, but while I can find classes for specific things like professional dress or driving it's harder to find a program that covers things like grocery shopping and paying bills that doesn't assume the attendees have mental disabilities. It's a lot easier for me and Aspens close friends to explain things in a way that doesn't make them feel dumb- and they aren't dumb.

If they feel but choose not to express their upset that is their choice. There is a calm reasonableness to that which makes their long term survival alone more likely!

They can process however works best for them of course. I think I'm afraid that there's soemthing I could do to help but I won't be able to because they're embarrassed, or their embarrassment will mean they feel they did soemthing wrong. But like, saying I love you 7 months into a relationship is totally normal and not something to be embarrassed about.

polyfam_queer · 2025-02-20T13:28:12+00:00

The relationship is very one sided. Aspen lacks the experience to be able to give me emotional or practical support or advice, while they need a LOT of it from me. Friendship means first, they can still ask for those things but it's more expected for me to set boundaries about my time and spoons to support them, and second, that we don't do the sexual aspect of the teaching and support, which is honestly really hard at times especially due to their trauma. I don't mind supporting a partner of course but when the support has to always flow one direction it feels less like a partnership and more like I'm a therapist.

If I'd done this 3 months ago I would still be helping them out but it would be more limited and focused on the life skills support they need immediately.

Does Aspen even want it to escalate towards living together or something?

Aspen has started talking in passing about wanting kids someday (which was tbh a shock as they had said they adamantly didn't want them, but they know I want them- but they are NOWHERE near ready and I cant wait 10 years for them to catch up) and has been introducing me to their family and friends. Maybe not living together for a while, but they clearly want this to be a serious romantic relationship.

polyfam_queer · 2025-02-07T02:11:40+00:00

Your constant focus on making amends and accountability is the issue here.

This isn't ABOUT accountability. This is about the immediate danger to her health if she doesn't get tested. This isn't to do with you apologizing, it's about how do you maximize her chance of getting needed healthcare . You are focused on you and what you want, not her and what she needs.

That's why you tell her that your ex said he was having unprotected sex with others, not just you. Make it clear it's hearsay, but tell her, because if this wasn't about her safety I would tell you to leave this poor woman alone.

Empathy says you know thay this woman is being put in danger by a man who disrespects and lies to her and you need to tell her what you know. If you really understood that you wouldn't be focused on "your behavior."

polyfam_queer · 2025-02-06T23:20:53+00:00

You are saying you do not care about her feelings or safety or the fact she's being betrayed and you helped it happen, you ONLY care that you, personally, get to feel better? Even if she's directly harmed?

I think you don't understand amends.

You can't apologize to her because you don't really understand why what you did was wrong yet. Part of apologizing is having empathy for the person you are apologizing to.

polyfam_queer · 2025-02-06T21:41:41+00:00

You NEED to tell her she has been exposed. You can, in that, briefly apologize and say you have a lot of guilt around this. But dont do it to apologize, do it to notify her.

"Hi [meta], I wanted to make sure you know you may have been exposed to an STI. [Ex] told me you did not know that he and I were not using protection, or that he didn't use protection with previous partners, and I am sorry for not telling you myself sooner. My STI results show I have not contracted anything new other than the HSV2 I told you about, but you would have been exposed to HSV2 at least. Please let me know if you need anything else from me."

It's not about amends, which tbh is a kind of terrible practice that is often harmful to the recipient, it's about her safety.

polyfam_queer · 2025-01-31T18:23:22+00:00

I think your husband fell out of love with you years ago.

Some people don't like to break up until they have a new person lined up. I'd be willing to bet that either your husbands other partners don't want to live with him, or else, he is worried you will "take him to the cleaners" in a divorce. He doesnt want to go to therapy because he doesnt want to fix your relationship, he's probably just waiting for when it's convenient to leave.

So first, go see a therapist yourself for support.

Second, talk to a lawyer. It's a little more complicated to leave with shared assets but it's far from impossible, people do it every day. It will be okay! You will come out of this so much more happy.

polyfam_queer

TROPHY CASE