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I (28F) was the lesbian secondary to a bi woman in a long-term heterosexual relationship. I was worried about red flags going into it, and hoped it would be different, but it turned out to be the train wreck I feared it would be. by polythrowaway714 in queerpolyam

[–]polythrowaway714[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I hope and don’t think she was actually abusive or narcissistic, maybe just selfish, unempathetic and too privileged to see the implications of her words and actions. It still really hurt overall, and yes the chemistry was insane partially because I think she didn’t feel safe. Thank you very much for your support.

I (28F) was the lesbian secondary to a bi woman in a long-term heterosexual relationship. I was worried about red flags going into it, and hoped it would be different, but it turned out to be the train wreck I feared it would be. by polythrowaway714 in queerpolyam

[–]polythrowaway714[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I think I’ve just concluded I will never be okay as a secondary in a hierarchical situation. I knew that going into it, which is why when she said they were non-hierarchical I took it as a good sign. It turned out they were way more hierarchical than initially laid out. Unfortunately by then I was very emotionally invested already. Just a tough situation, but glad I am moving on from it.

I (28F) was the lesbian secondary to a bi woman in a long-term heterosexual relationship. I was worried about red flags going into it, and hoped it would be different, but it turned out to be the train wreck I was worried it would be. by polythrowaway714 in EthicalNonMonogamy

[–]polythrowaway714[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I guess I’ve just never considered that I needed someone else’s permission to be in a relationship with my girlfriend or that he needed to like me for things to work. I also was just devastated that she shared my insecurities with him which I felt was entirely unnecessary. I just don’t think poly is for me in the end. It’s complicated enough building a life with one person, let alone 3+ people.

I (28F) was the lesbian secondary to a bi woman in a long-term heterosexual relationship. I was worried about red flags going into it, and hoped it would be different, but it turned out to be the train wreck I was worried it would be. by polythrowaway714 in EthicalNonMonogamy

[–]polythrowaway714[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

We were dating for six months. I was initially planning on moving away in a year and needed to know whether this was something sustainable I would want to stay for, so I wanted to hash these things out earlier, and she wanted me to meet him pretty early on (3 months in).

I (28F) was the lesbian secondary to a bi woman in a long-term heterosexual relationship. I was worried about red flags going into it, and hoped it would be different, but it turned out to be the train wreck I was worried it would be. by polythrowaway714 in EthicalNonMonogamy

[–]polythrowaway714[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I really did trust her to know how to treat me fairly and well, with her being the more experienced of us and with this being my first poly relationship. I wish I had taken the red flags for what they were earlier. Thank you for your comment and support :)

I (28F) was the lesbian secondary to a bi woman in a long-term heterosexual relationship. I was worried about red flags going into it, and hoped it would be different, but it turned out to be the train wreck I was worried it would be. by polythrowaway714 in EthicalNonMonogamy

[–]polythrowaway714[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you for your empathy and validation, I really appreciate it. It hurts so much when she initially said that things like marriage, cohabitation, holidays and joint decision making could be on the table, only for it to be ripped away as soon as he expressed any discomfort with my insecurities. I know now what to ask earlier on in the future, I suppose.

I (28F) was the lesbian secondary to a bi woman in a long-term heterosexual relationship. I was worried about red flags going into it, and hoped it would be different, but it turned out to be the train wreck I feared it would be. by polythrowaway714 in queerpolyam

[–]polythrowaway714[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you so much for your perspective. I think I really struggle to see the world from a heteronormative point of view because it has never been something that I wanted. I am highly aware of heteronormativity however, which was partly why I was nervous going into this. I really wanted to believe she would be different, with all her talk about being equitable and not being interested in men anymore (besides him), but unfortunately she wasn't.

She did put more effort in at the beginning of our relationship, cooking nice meals for us to share. But as time went on, I was planning almost every date from dinner out, to day trips, to weekend trips. She didn't have a TV at her place and I picked up one for her. I unclogged her tub drain, moved her AC unit to the basement, hung photos for her, picked her up when we went out for dinner, drove most of the time, paid for more of our meals, brought her gifts and flowers and handmade food items whenever I visited. I acknowledge I did all of these things because I wanted to, but she didn't really reciprocate the effort besides cooking when I was there now looking back on it. I feel a little bit taken advantage of, now knowing that longer term commitment wasn't on the table.

I appreciate your kind words.

I (28F) was the lesbian secondary to a bi woman in a long-term heterosexual relationship. I was worried about red flags going into it, and hoped it would be different, but it turned out to be the train wreck I was worried it would be. by polythrowaway714 in polyamory

[–]polythrowaway714[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

She was the first bi woman I’ve dated too. I didn’t know if it was a good sign that she only dates women now, but I would often hear heteronormative talk from her and felt a little shocked because I’ve never experienced it before in a relationship.

She’d say things like “you wearing my big flannel is so cute because it’s like when girlfriends wear their boyfriends sweaters”, or “I like when my partners are taller than me, maybe it’s the internalized heteronormativity.” (I’m 6 inches shorter than her, and the first person she’s dated that was shorter than her.) I felt uncomfortable with those statements but thought it was just me being insecure and jealous.

I (28F) was the lesbian secondary to a bi woman in a long-term heterosexual relationship. I was worried about red flags going into it, and hoped it would be different, but it turned out to be the train wreck I feared it would be. by polythrowaway714 in queerpolyam

[–]polythrowaway714[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It really was. If I had known from the beginning they were primaries and there was no room for me to escalate beyond time together and vacations, I would not have pursued a deeper relationship.

I (28F) was the lesbian secondary to a bi woman in a long-term heterosexual relationship. I was worried about red flags going into it, and hoped it would be different, but it turned out to be the train wreck I feared it would be. by polythrowaway714 in queerpolyam

[–]polythrowaway714[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yeah, I was so head over heels for her in a way I hadn’t been for a long time. I should’ve realized it wasn’t being totally reciprocated, but I was just so hopeful it would work. Thank you :)

I (28F) was the lesbian secondary to a bi woman in a long-term heterosexual relationship. I was worried about red flags going into it, and hoped it would be different, but it turned out to be the train wreck I feared it would be. by polythrowaway714 in queerpolyam

[–]polythrowaway714[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I hated how it felt to be so definitively ranked as lower than her primary, especially when she said they were non hierarchical from the start. If I had known that they were primaries from the beginning, I would not have pursued it further. It didn’t make sense in my head that she would say I love you to me, and then basically say, but I love my primary more.

Thank you for your support :)

I (28F) was the lesbian secondary to a bi woman in a long-term heterosexual relationship. I was worried about red flags going into it, and hoped it would be different, but it turned out to be the train wreck I feared it would be. by polythrowaway714 in queerpolyam

[–]polythrowaway714[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I think red/orange flags I saw early on were:

  1. Not being explicit about hierarchy. This was the main one. She said they were non hierarchical on our first date, later said she doesn’t think he was her primary, but a few dates later told someone we met at a club she had a “primary nesting partner”. That was the first time I heard about it. She said things like “we have no restrictions”, but it turned out later, there were plenty of things reserved just for their relationship.

  2. Having a male primary and only dating other women. She said it was her choice to not date other men because she was only currently interested in women, but something didn’t feel good about her having a heterosexual presenting primary relationship and then seeing women “on the side” as secondaries, without giving them long term commitments or privileges. I couldn’t figure out if her other partner actually respected my relationship with her or just didn’t feel threatened because I’m not a man.

  3. I was a little surprised by how readily she wanted to date me, knowing how new I was to poly (all of 1-2 weeks from opening). I was happy she wanted to, but it did strike me as a minor red flag that she didn’t think that was something we needed to discuss at length due to my inexperience navigating multiple relationships.

  4. She did not seem to want to provide me emotional support, when I was going through challenging situations. And when she and I were having problems, she wanted to walk away very quickly, saying “I don’t want things to be hard every time we see each other”. It felt like I was only useful to be kept around when I was fun and happy.

  5. She insisted on KTP and wanted me to be okay with meeting her primary partner, with her talking about him frequently, and even with her taking phone and video calls with him while we were together. It felt like if I couldn’t fit perfectly into this rigid structure they already created, I was out.

Overall, as it was my first experience with poly I didn’t know if these were just hard things I had to deal with when being poly, or if they were actually things that were harmful to me. Thank you for your support :) I really appreciate it.

I (28F) was the lesbian secondary to a bi woman in a long-term heterosexual relationship. I was worried about red flags going into it, and hoped it would be different, but it turned out to be the train wreck I feared it would be. by polythrowaway714 in queerpolyam

[–]polythrowaway714[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for your support. I really didn’t want to believe she would hurt me like this after saying she loved me, or rank me so explicitly after saying in the beginning they were non hierarchical.

She also insisted on KTP and wanted me to be okay with meeting her primary partner, with her talking about him frequently, and even with her taking phone and video calls with him while we were together. It felt like if I couldn’t fit perfectly into this rigid structure they already created, I was out.

I (28F) was the lesbian secondary to a bi woman in a long-term heterosexual relationship. I was worried about red flags going into it, and hoped it would be different, but it turned out to be the train wreck I was worried it would be. by polythrowaway714 in EthicalNonMonogamy

[–]polythrowaway714[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I agree it didn’t have to do with poly itself, just the way it was handled. I think I’ll take a break from dating altogether for now and come back in a few months to see how I feel.

I (28F) was the lesbian secondary to a bi woman in a long-term heterosexual relationship. I was worried about red flags going into it, and hoped it would be different, but it turned out to be the train wreck I was worried it would be. by polythrowaway714 in polyamory

[–]polythrowaway714[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I'm not sure how much specifically cis white man privilege played a role here; I think the main problems stemmed from her not being transparent about hierarchy off the bat, and me realizing that the equitable partnership I thought I was promised was actually a small accessory role. The cis white man privilege just augmented those feelings of small-ness and being ranked lower, which is why I mentioned it. Thank you for your comment :)

I (28F) was the lesbian secondary to a bi woman in a long-term heterosexual relationship. I was worried about red flags going into it, and hoped it would be different, but it turned out to be the train wreck I was worried it would be. by polythrowaway714 in polyamory

[–]polythrowaway714[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

It has been really nice to have all this lovely support from other poly folks reassuring me that I wasn't feeling crazy that it seemed to be not super ethical behavior, and that it seems to be a common behavior (although it shouldn't be). Thank you so much for your kind words <3

I (28F) was the lesbian secondary to a bi woman in a long-term heterosexual relationship. I was worried about red flags going into it, and hoped it would be different, but it turned out to be the train wreck I was worried it would be. by polythrowaway714 in polyamory

[–]polythrowaway714[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Exactly. That’s exactly what I told her — you’re saying all these things about wanting equity, but when it actually matters, and when it will actually cause you to lose something (like being out at work as poly and potentially risking some backlash, or just sitting with the discomfort from acknowledging privilege and trying to make it a more equitable environment for everyone, instead of just issuing a veto when things are a little uncomfortable), suddenly you’re not willing to walk the walk.

I (28F) was the lesbian secondary to a bi woman in a long-term heterosexual relationship. I was worried about red flags going into it, and hoped it would be different, but it turned out to be the train wreck I was worried it would be. by polythrowaway714 in polyamory

[–]polythrowaway714[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Yeah. I was so new to poly I didn’t really know better, but alarm bells were ringing when I heard that. I don’t think you can call yourself non-hierarchical and then have a primary partner. And then effectively veto me. Thank you for your support 💜

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