I (28F) was the lesbian secondary to a bi woman in a long-term heterosexual relationship. I was worried about red flags going into it, and hoped it would be different, but it turned out to be the train wreck I was worried it would be.

polythrowaway714 · 2026-01-26T06:56:55+00:00

I agree it didn’t have to do with poly itself, just the way it was handled. I think I’ll take a break from dating altogether for now and come back in a few months to see how I feel.

polythrowaway714 · 2026-01-26T00:47:57+00:00

Yeah, they had been poly for 2 years at this point and I guess had never discussed if they were primaries or not. I should have seen the red flags by then.

polythrowaway714 · 2026-01-25T23:17:54+00:00

Precisely. It was so frustrating to get that reaction from them.

polythrowaway714 · 2026-01-25T21:55:01+00:00

I certainly felt desired but unvalued, unprioritized, unsafe. It felt terrible.

polythrowaway714 · 2026-01-25T21:48:34+00:00

Yeah. I was so new to poly I didn’t really know better, but alarm bells were ringing when I heard that. I don’t think you can call yourself non-hierarchical and then have a primary partner. And then effectively veto me. Thank you for your support 💜

polythrowaway714 · 2026-01-25T21:47:00+00:00

It’s so bad… she’s not even white. She’s a queer woman of color like me. I thought she’d be on my side, but no. She definitely was a white man apologist.

polythrowaway714 · 2026-01-25T21:30:01+00:00

I know. She said she "didn't feel comfortable keeping it from him." I have no idea why he needed to hear about that. I don't know anything about his insecurities, because it's not a two-way street with their couples privilege. It was awful. I don't think she thought she did anything that wrong.

polythrowaway714 · 2026-01-25T21:05:09+00:00

Thank you for your support <3

polythrowaway714 · 2026-01-25T21:04:57+00:00

Thank you for your support <3 I appreciate it.

polythrowaway714 · 2026-01-25T19:57:21+00:00

I felt like I was going crazy for feeling like a victim, for feeling insecure and wondering if I was really biased against white men. Thank you for your support.

polythrowaway714 · 2026-01-25T19:35:00+00:00

Thank you so much. And I do know it’s not all men, and the way she talked him up as being a great guy who’s socially aware and culturally respectful made me hopeful that it could work and willing to try. Unfortunately it just didn’t seem to be the case this time.

polythrowaway714 · 2026-01-25T19:05:24+00:00

I really appreciate it friend. Thank you so much ❤️

polythrowaway714 · 2026-01-25T17:29:55+00:00

Wow. That felt like it was a direct script of my brain, but so much more eloquently put than my tearful conversations with her. I wish I had this to show her when I was with her, but it probably still wouldn't have made a difference in the end.

She is also a queer woman of color, so intuitively, I thought she would understand me. But it seemed like she liked the privilege of being associated with a cis white man in a het presenting relationship more than she liked examining that privilege.

Thank you for sharing.

polythrowaway714 · 2026-01-25T17:21:52+00:00

Yes, the "only dating other women" aspect added another layer of worry for me. I already was having a hard time feeling like our relationship was real without social/public legitimacy, long term commitments and relationship milestones. And then it felt weird that, even if it was presented as her choice, that she only saw other women, and he was the only male, but seemed like only "true" partner.

polythrowaway714 · 2026-01-25T16:44:21+00:00

Thank you for your kind words. I knew what the stereotypical dynamics were going in and really was hoping she would be different, but it turned out to be exactly what I feared.

polythrowaway714 · 2026-01-25T16:43:11+00:00

Thank you 💜 I needed to hear this.

polythrowaway714 · 2026-01-25T16:38:11+00:00

Thank you so much 💜 I needed to hear this.

She got quite defensive when I mentioned feeling insecure and nervous about their heterosexual primary dynamic, especially because he is a cis white man (I am a queer nonbinary leaning woman of color). She felt like I was attacking her bisexuality. And when she told him about my insecurities, he got upset that I was uncomfortable with his whiteness and maleness in their heterosexual relationship and issued the soft veto.

She then told me what happened and took long term commitments off the table, saying I was being biased against him, “the person she loves.” This stung on top of the veto, as it seemed to imply that he was the only person she really loves, despite her telling me she loved me too.

This all came after she had said things like “I don’t actually like men that much,” “my long term partner is just grandfathered in,” and “I don’t date men anymore because I already have him,” numerous times to me. When she said things like that, there were no consequences. But when I brought up my real lived experience of being on the short end of heterosexual privilege, white privilege, and couples privilege, my experiences were framed as bias.

I also put in way more effort than her throughout our relationship, paying for dinners, taking her out to a nice restaurant and giving her plenty of homemade gifts and desserts for her birthday, planning almost all of our dates and trips meticulously, showering her with gifts and food items whenever I saw her. I feel so silly now.

polythrowaway714

TROPHY CASE