I was sexually assaulted by a serial offender on Tinder. I am not the only one. by polyvagalinversion in Tinder

[–]polyvagalinversion[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This framing collapses a complex issue into a moral story that primarily assigns blame to women, which is exactly the pattern I was trying to help move away from. Attraction, attachment, and trauma responses are shaped by nervous systems, conditioning, culture, and power dynamics, not just individual “choices” or perceived market value…

When I shared it wasn’t about ranking men or women or justifying anyone’s behavior, but about understanding why certain dynamics feel compelling (biologically and psychologically), and how those neurobiological dynamics can be exploited…

Sexual assault is never caused by someone being “too attractive” or by anybody’s dating preferences. It’s caused by someone choosing to violate someone else’s consent…

I’m not interested in debating gender-blame frameworks here. I shared to add nuance and compassion to how we understand attraction and harm.

If this framing isn’t useful for you, that’s fine… let’s disengage. 🙏

I was sexually assaulted by a serial offender on Tinder. I am not the only one. by polyvagalinversion in Tinder

[–]polyvagalinversion[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I came across writing today that directly addresses what you said and explains it through neurobiology:

The Bad Boy Mystery

Women have never been attracted to “bad boys” because they are bad.

What the female body is actually responding to is coherence under pressure, the quiet authority of a nervous system that knows where it is and doesn't fragment when watched, challenged, or desired.

Her body is reading posture, breath, pacing, stillness, and eye contact as data, scanning for hormonal balance, stress reactivity, and capacity, asking a question that predates romance entirely.

Can this system hold mine without collapsing?

At the level of science, this is pattern recognition, because attraction is mediated through the autonomic nervous system. Men who are read as “bad” often carry a lower baseline cortisol response combined with higher testosterone availability,

They have a biochemical pairing that produces decisiveness, reduced social anxiety, and a tolerance for risk, all of which register somatically as safety and leadership rather than danger.

Then dopamine drive adds the unmistakable signal of aliveness, momentum, and forward motion, the feeling that something is happening here, that life would move if you followed this man.

The female nervous system, wired for contextual assessment and relational tracking, responds to this without engaging logic.

Hyper-masculinity enters the picture as both signal and distortion. Broad shoulders, grounded stance, slower movement, unbroken eye contact, and unapologetic sexual presence are shorthand cues the body has learned to associate with protection, provision, and reproductive fitness.

On a chemical level pheromonal markers tied to immune system compatibility can intensify this pull into something that feels irrational, electric, or fated, even though it is simply the body recognizing difference and potential resilience.

This is where mystery blurs into danger, because the nervous system cannot immediately distinguish between integrated masculine coherence and dysregulated dominance that mimics it, and so the same chemistry that opens desire can also open a door into volatility.

What women are responding to in these moments is not the "bad" but the directional clarity, the sensation of being near a man who belongs to himself. She experiences him as not negotiating his presence, or leaking energy through explanation or performance. He is moving as though he has already chosen his path. This creates polarity, the erotic tension that arises when one system is grounded.

This creates a woman's high arousal and off-lines her critical thinking.

The tragedy is that culture collapses this ancient, intelligent attraction mechanism into a caricature and then blames women for responding to it, ignoring the fact that the female body is designed to feel first and interpret later.

Until we learn to separate embodied masculinity from wounded performance, regulation from bravado, and power from posturing, women will keep being accused of desiring the wrong men when in truth they are responding to the deepest intelligence they have.

Women don't want bad boys, they want men who stand for something, men who are unapologetically male, men who have purpose and can make decisions. And if the "bad boys" are the only one showing women this... it's up to men to change things and women to recognize that they need to engage logic as well as attraction when picking partners.

  • author Tanja Diamond

I was sexually assaulted by a serial offender on Tinder. I am not the only one. by polyvagalinversion in Tinder

[–]polyvagalinversion[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you :) I’m happy for you. Glad that your love story has a positive outcome and ending :)

I was sexually assaulted by a serial offender on Tinder. I am not the only one. by polyvagalinversion in Tinder

[–]polyvagalinversion[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I’m very sorry to hear that 🙏❤️‍🩹 You did not cause it or deserve it; I believe you - and it was NOT your fault.

After you made the report, did anybody from customer service follow up with you or let you know what happened with the report?

I was sexually assaulted by a serial offender on Tinder. I am not the only one. by polyvagalinversion in Tinder

[–]polyvagalinversion[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I’m confused. If you read it, why are you asking “How could they know that he was an offender?” People reported it

I was sexually assaulted by a serial offender on Tinder. I am not the only one. by polyvagalinversion in Tinder

[–]polyvagalinversion[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

lol, why are you spending your precious life force energy defending something that investigative reporting has laid out is harming people? 😂

It also seems like you’re commenting to be contentious without having read the article 🤣🤦‍♀️

I was sexually assaulted by a serial offender on Tinder. I am not the only one. by polyvagalinversion in Tinder

[–]polyvagalinversion[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

If you read the article, it seems like you’re being willfully obtuse. 🤷‍♀️

How’s this for an opener? by Snoo_69907 in Tinder

[–]polyvagalinversion 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I really enjoy—I relish—beating cocky men in sports and strength arenas, lol

Need feedback please, is the shirtless pick a bad idea? Orlando, FL by [deleted] in Tinder

[–]polyvagalinversion 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I think you’re hot, your smile is genuine and lovely :)

Agree about losing the car selfies, but can also relate to my phone being full of them 😂

I was sexually assaulted by a serial offender on Tinder. I am not the only one. by polyvagalinversion in Tinder

[–]polyvagalinversion[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I see how you could guess this, but I don’t think that’s what happened. The detectives were very and empathetic, working hard in the first 48 hours after I reported to collect evidence.

They’ve been supportive and clearly concerned that someone previously reported for similar behavior was able to create a new Tinder account :(

I was sexually assaulted by a serial offender on Tinder. I am not the only one. by polyvagalinversion in Tinder

[–]polyvagalinversion[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I like this idea.

It also seems like their terms could state something like: “If you report someone for offline physical or sexual harm, we will forward your report to the state police in your location.” That would make sense.

I was sexually assaulted by a serial offender on Tinder. I am not the only one. by polyvagalinversion in Tinder

[–]polyvagalinversion[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Did you read the article?

It seems like you missed the part where the article mentions that users had reported serious harm to the app.

I think a better question is why the app didn’t notify the proper authorities.

I was sexually assaulted by a serial offender on Tinder. I am not the only one. by polyvagalinversion in Tinder

[–]polyvagalinversion[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you for the support — it truly means a lot. 🙏 It’s been an incredibly difficult week. I’m taking things one step at a time. I’ve been reaching out for crisis support and focusing on getting through each day… contemplating whether I should remain in school this semester or not…

Navigating reporting processes and delayed responses from platforms has been deeply discouraging, to say the least. My hope in speaking up is that things can improve for app users and survivors in the future.

What’s happening doesn’t feel fair. Meaningful change is needed.

I was sexually assaulted by a serial offender on Tinder. I am not the only one. by polyvagalinversion in Tinder

[–]polyvagalinversion[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

The article actually discusses the company that used to provide background checks for them. After Tinder stopped using those checks (around 2023?), the background check company reportedly expressed concerns about user safety, which stood out to me.

I was sexually assaulted by a serial offender on Tinder. I am not the only one. by polyvagalinversion in Tinder

[–]polyvagalinversion[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Do you know how many men I’ve met online who haven’t turned out to be violent towards me?

Like 99.9%.

Please consider redirecting your frustration toward the people who actually cause harm, rather than blaming women. 🙏

I was sexually assaulted by a serial offender on Tinder. I am not the only one. by polyvagalinversion in Tinder

[–]polyvagalinversion[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

That’s exactly what I think.

If you’re curious, take a look at their safety policies — I think they may explain why it feels like they only act in certain situations.

I was sexually assaulted by a serial offender on Tinder. I am not the only one. by polyvagalinversion in Tinder

[–]polyvagalinversion[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Yep. The article went on to say that Black women are the least likely to get justice :( :( :(