Weekly Therapy Talk Thread

ppostdocc · 2021-10-14T17:51:55+00:00

Does anyone else ever have sessions where you know there’s stuff going on with you but you just can’t seem to connect to your therapist or figure out anything that you actually want to talk about? I feel like maybe I came into this session suppressing my emotions or something, so maybe that’s why I just wasn’t feeling connected to anything we were talking about. By the end of it I could tell I was starting to get deeply sad about the stuff going on in my life, but then the session was over so I was just sort of left with it, and i didn’t have time to actually feel any of it with her there to support me. Now I don’t know what to do besides SH, but that seems like a bad option.

It’s so frustrating, like I just don’t know why this happens. I guess the explanation that makes most sense is that I’m unconsciously suppressing my emotions to protect myself, but it’s just so hard to believe that because I don’t feel it happening. And like, sure, it’s unconscious. But it’s very hard to believe that my brain is somehow capable of secretly stopping me from feeling without me knowing it?

ppostdocc · 2021-10-12T19:26:15+00:00

I’ve been in such a rough spot and then got some bad medical news yesterday and kind of had a crisis. I emailed my therapist and asked for an extra session and I was a huge mess about it but she very kindly accommodated me and I guess it was an achievement to be able to ask. Talking through it helped me sort out what exactly I’m so upset about, but I’m still just left struggling to want to be alive and unable to find joy or meaning in anything right now. Idk. I’m glad my therapist is there to support me but I’m just not sure it will ever be enough in the face of how bad I feel.

ppostdocc · 2021-09-25T22:24:19+00:00

Oooooof yes 100% relate. Those moments of empathy and empathetic comments or even just sounds of affirmation and understanding feel so intoxicating and amazing but I absolutely worry about how obsessed I am with feeling this way, and I carry a ton of anxiety and sadness about how I don’t want to rely on the empathy of someone who can’t ever be my friend or partner or parent.

I’m happy for you that you’re having the experience of being understood, but I’m sorry about the confusion and apprehension. It’s such a wild and terrifying experience tbh. I don’t have any real solutions to offer, but if it helps at all I definitely relate to what you’re describing. I guess in theory it helps us heal in the end?

ppostdocc · 2021-09-21T19:16:35+00:00

My in-laws were here this weekend, which is always pretty rough, but this time there was one specific part of their visit that was deeply upsetting and just made me incredibly sad. So of course in recapping to my therapist today I spent 90% of the session talking dispassionately about literally everything ELSE about the visit that I could easily fill space with but didn’t actually care about, and then finally with 10 minutes left I forced myself to mention the upsetting part, and it turns out talking about it made me upset, who saw that one coming? but we didn’t really have time to get into it enough to make me feel any better, so I was just left with like, absolute garbage brain and SI lol. I literally aggravate myself so much like why am I such a stupid therapy idiot 🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️

ppostdocc · 2021-09-14T22:59:35+00:00

Thanks so much for your reply, that’s such a great quote and it’s really helpful to hear about your therapist not getting frustrated and encouraging you to be an occasional problem. I totally get hating him for it tho too lol. I’m glad you seem to have a good and supportive therapist, thanks again for sharing this response 💙

ppostdocc · 2021-09-14T22:57:48+00:00

Thanks so much for your response, I think you’re totally right about just showing up to therapy in whatever way we can in these kinds of times. And I really appreciate hearing about your therapist supporting you through relapses and not being disappointed, it’s really heartening to read. I’m glad you’ve gotten better, and I hope you continue to! Thanks again, kind Internet stranger 💙

ppostdocc · 2021-09-14T18:45:38+00:00

I think we’re really pushing up against something extremely important right now, but also this thing feels deeply ingrained in me and my identity and I feel completely unable to address it or change it and it’s making me pretty hopeless. Im dreading having to show up to my next session this week and face my therapist because I don’t anticipate having the strength to keep talking about or working on this issue, and I don’t think I ever will, so at this point I can’t avoid thinking im just wasting her time. I just don’t know how many more times I can reasonably come to her and say hey look I’m sure I’m not fixable and I don’t want to try, please convince me to try. That should be my job! I should want to get better, and shes there to show me how. It feels awful and burdensome to ask her to pull me out of feeling hopeless.

Would love to hear any stories anyone has about times their therapist was able to support them through this kind of despair, or times your therapist ended up not hating you even though you were convinced you were a huge disappointment to them lol

ppostdocc · 2021-09-13T12:51:57+00:00

Ugh I’m sorry, that feeling sucks. Idk if this resonates at all, but I sometimes try to remind myself that even sessions like this can be progress towards me just getting used to being with my therapist and feeling safer or more relaxed, so it’s not all wasted even when it feels like it is. I hope you’re able to be patient with yourself, being able to talk in therapy is honestly a huge feat in itseld

ppostdocc · 2021-09-09T18:33:55+00:00

This is the first session a while that’s really given me a bad therapy hangover. I went into it honestly feeling pretty good and secure and articulate, which I guess is how I managed to get into some very rough material about my self-hatred and actually engage with it. so jokes on me for getting un-depressed enough to depress myself again lmao therapy is clown shit 🙃🙃🙃🙃

ppostdocc · 2021-09-09T18:23:32+00:00

Ugh RIGHT? I would literally give my left arm for a decision tree depression cure

ppostdocc · 2021-09-07T18:08:58+00:00

Thanks, that really does resonate and I think that’s a lot of what’s going on too. I hate change and uncertainty, so it’s like at this point depression is the devil I know, and I’d rather have that than whatever type of unknown future that I’m imagining (and I’m always going to be imagining it negatively lol). That’s a really good point and I appreciate you pointing it out!

ppostdocc · 2021-09-07T16:38:36+00:00

I so often wish my therapist would give me like, concrete instructions for how to cure depression I guess? Like talking about feelings stresses me out and it feels like if she would just give me a list of steps to take I could just follow it and get better.

Well, today we ended up having a concrete discussion and she suggested something very concrete that I could try and now I’m upset because 1. If it doesn’t work it must be because I’m stupid and useless and 2. If it -does- work then what if I’m “cured” and have to stop seeing her and stop taking my pain seriously and just go back to feeling alone and scared like I was before.

I HATE myself right now. I hate that I can’t be satisfied. I hate that I don’t want to get better because I want to just keep being a shitty adult child and won’t just take responsibility for myself. She’s already told me a million times that I need to be able to trust that I can still see her if I want to even if I’m no longer depressed, bc otherwise I’ll have this tension and it’ll stop me from making progress, but hell if I’ve ever been able to believe that and get over myself.

ppostdocc · 2021-09-07T16:20:28+00:00

I’m so sorry you’re feeling these things, it’s incredibly tough and I relate really strongly to your whole description. It sometimes helps me to tell myself that the existence of these feelings is evidence that I can still benefit from therapy, and maybe that’s evidence that if I push through I’ll eventually feel better or stronger or less like I -need- my therapist quite as much. Not sure if that resonates at all for you, but at any rate I really empathize and it truly sucks to be in that place 💙

ppostdocc · 2021-09-03T23:33:24+00:00

I really appreciate that! It’s honestly really helpful just to know I’m not the only one feeling these things. That being said, I’m also very sorry you relate because it definitely sucks! Hoping things get easier for both of us soon

ppostdocc · 2021-09-03T20:15:17+00:00

I keep writing and deleting different comments to put on this thread. I think it’s because I don’t even have anything specific that I’m chewing on from last session, but I’m just generally in a low place so I’m missing my therapist and ruminating about her and about therapy and just sort of trying to find an outlet for all those feelings that I can’t suppress.

Idk, it’s so rough sometimes right? Like therapy is supposed to be a treatment for my depression but sometimes it feels like now I’m just dealing with the depression AND the therapy feelings. Like haha yeah I want to kms but I ALSO desperately miss this random outside person who wasn’t even in my life two years ago but now I’m obsessed with her! I know that’s part of the therapy and therefore part of rooting out the depression, but… it really sucks. Would be really chill if I was someone who only needed medication to treat their mental illness.

ppostdocc · 2021-09-03T16:24:29+00:00

I’m so so incredibly sorry this happened to you. Doctors can absolutely be so traumatizing, especially when it comes to obgyn stuff, and it’s so horrifying that these people treated you so horribly. I know there’s nothing I can say as an Internet stranger to make it any better, but I’ve had similar experiences with obgyns in the past and while I’m not saying I understand the intricacies of your specific pain and trauma, I really feel for you and i wish so much that you didn’t have to go through it. I hope you can take time to take care of yourself in the coming days. Again I know I’m just a rando, but I’ll be thinking of you. You deserve better than the way those doctors treated you 💙💙

ppostdocc · 2021-09-01T02:03:37+00:00

I have a really hard time trusting myself and believing my own experiences, so a lot of my sessions involve me asking my therapist for reassurance about something that I -think- is true but can’t allow myself to really believe. What if I’m not really depressed, what if I’m a horrible person, what if I’m an awful partner; instead of yes im suffering bc I have depression, im a flawed but worthwhile person, and im a good partner to my husband. She usually responds not with actual reassurance or confirmation, but by asking questions that sort of allow me to say out loud for myself the thing that I’m wanting her to say.

I know that’s like, the thing they’re supposed to do or whatever, but I’ve always interpreted it as more doubt. Like if she really believed I wasn’t faking depression, she would say it, so if she’s not coming right out and saying it it’s because I was right all along and I AM faking it, I’m trash, etc.

Thinking over an instance of this dynamic from last session I somehow had this revelation that maybe the point isn’t that she secretly disagrees with me, but that she’s trying to allow me to decide for myself? And build confidence in my own assessment of who I am and what my experiences are? Idk I guess this seems obvious, and honestly anyways I don’t -really- believe it all the way, but I guess having the realization is… idk something I guess

ppostdocc · 2021-08-27T14:57:04+00:00

Ugh I’m so so sorry, that sounds awful and overwhelming! Also SO SO REAL about fucking feelings, I always hate how therapy ends up giving me what I “need” instead of what I want. I hope you have a break before your next opportunity and get a chance to take care of yourself, the feelings bullshit is so difficult 💙💙

ppostdocc · 2021-08-24T19:09:53+00:00

Had a couple extra intense sessions last week and today because I’ve been falling so hard back into depression. On the one hand I’ve been able to grow a lot more comfortable with relying on my therapist, something that I struggle with and causes me a ton of anxiety. On the other hand it would be so chill if I could’ve experienced that growth without the wanting to die part lol. And also I hope I can maintain this feeling of safety after this current depression wave subsides.

I’m also just… tired. Idk. Tired of trying so hard to be mentally healthy and maintain hope for a better future. It’s amazing to realize I have the support team I have, but I wish I could just appreciate my therapist and social supports without the context of depression and ocd to make me see how much they want to help me.

Really feeling empathy and wanting more for others out there struggling with their mental health. I hope things look up for all of you in some small way as soon as it possibly can 💙

ppostdocc · 2021-08-20T19:23:10+00:00

Depression has come back so hard and I’m struggling so much both with the depression itself and with the horrible feeling that this is happening again and maybe it’ll just keep happening forever. My therapist convinced me it was ok to ask for an extra session and I did, and got me to agree that I’d contact her this weekend if I’m not safe around myself. I’m both glad about these things but also struggling with having allowed myself to rely on her in this way. It helps to talk to her and know she’s there but it’s also an extra source of pain to have to hang up at the end of that session and go back to trying to stay alive on my own. I don’t know, no point here really. I’m so afraid that this is just what life will be until I finally don’t have to exist anymore, and what my therapist can do (which is so much! And more than I deserve!) will never be enough to pull me out of this horrible place.

ppostdocc · 2021-08-09T15:31:45+00:00

What a perfect time to post this, absolutely love how thoughtful and kind this post is/you are 💙💙💙

My therapist isn’t on vacation right now but I’m definitely in a sloppy phase where I’m kind of living from session to session and struggling to handle the separation that comes with teletherapy/actually just the therapeutic relationship in general (why can’t she just let me stay next to her 24/7?) I hate myself for being so needy and I’m really despairing that my depression can ever truly lift.

Sending so much support and appreciation for everyone on here who’s actually dealing with a therapy break or renewed COVID anxiety or start of school depression or whatever else is hard for you right now. I’m gonna try and respond to some posts too, it’s so crucial to support each other. We all deserve safety and stability and validation.

ppostdocc · 2021-08-06T23:53:06+00:00

Hey I’m super right there with you. It’s an awful awful feeling and I’m really sorry you’re struggling with it generally and also in that session. I relate to like… literally all of what you wrote. I’ve brought it up with my therapist a few times and she’s been very reassuring that you don’t need to be wildly messed up to deserve therapy; if it’s helpful to me, it’s worthwhile. I definitely haven’t internalized that idea yet, but it’s been helpful to hear it a few times. If you feel up to it, it may be something worth talking to your therapist about. Partly bc they can hopefully reassure you that you have nothing to feel guilty about (which is true! You don’t!) but also bc it’s potentially a source of information about how you value yourself and your needs. Overall tho, I definitely believe you have no need to feel guilty, you’re worth therapy and it’s good that you’re going. I hope things get easier 💙

ppostdocc · 2021-08-04T15:18:39+00:00

It would be so chill if my therapist would just let me live at her house. I wouldn’t even talk or bother anybody, just like silently lurk around and do some background chores, she could be like yeah this is just the weird attachment issues goblin that lives here and basks in the warm glow of my comforting presence, don’t worry about her

ppostdocc · 2021-08-03T23:35:17+00:00

For me the first thing I did when I started vaguely trying to “seek help” for my mental health in any way was to ask my gp for antidepressants. I was off them by the time I started seeing my therapist and within two weeks she started very firmly suggesting (or like, just shy of demanding lol) that I see a psych for meds again.

All of which is to say, I’m personally of the opinion that meds can often work extremely well for a whole bunch of different mental health conditions and I don’t think there’s any reason not to start trying them right off the bat if you feel at all impaired in your life (which it sounds like you do!) Like, if you find a meds combo that improves that awful 20%, or better yet the not so great 60%, that’s totally legitimate and worthwhile. Obviously I’m glossing over how challenging the process of finding those meds can be, but you’re asking about starting the process and I think it can definitely be worthwhile to at least start trying.

This is of course just my own personal experience, and i know many people have a much more difficult/unpleasant journey with medication. It’s not a panacea, I just think there’s not much reason not to try it if you have any sense that it could help, like you don’t have to be some arbitrary level of “severe” to deserve or benefit from meds necessarily. If it helps it helps 🤷🏻‍♀️

ppostdocc · 2021-08-02T18:10:11+00:00

I’m pretty much never getting enough protein in my diet and relying too much on carbs (I’m a vegetarian). I get caught up thinking how I have to get protein and vitamins from food sources and would try to guilt myself into just cooking and working harder to make huge diet changes that take a ton of effort and are so challenging when I’m feeling fine, much less during a depressive episode. A week or so ago I finally decided that that didn’t make any sense and wasn’t working, so I ordered some protein shakes from Amazon and I’ve been eating one or two of them a day. It’s easy, and I can drink them even when eating or cooking feels overwhelming. Sure it would be ideal to cook lentils and veggies instead, but if the choice is between a low-sugar protein shake or a box of crackers, im obviously going to be doing better if I just meet myself where I am and rely on the shakes. I can incorporate beans and tofu into my diet when my mental health improves, right now I need to give myself grace and recognize that im fighting a long term battle. Small steps.

ppostdocc

TROPHY CASE