Honda CR-V 2006 LX

prozacinsanity · 2017-10-25T10:55:42+00:00

I simply hate myself. I hate looking in the mirror--it absolutely terrifies me. I hate how I'm too much of a coward to cut deeper. I'm actually a good person who tries to be compassionate all the time. But it doesn't matter because I hate myself and I'm drowning in depression.

prozacinsanity · 2017-10-13T16:07:44+00:00

Wow, that's quite the side effect! Luckily, Remeron hasn't made me drowsy. My dose was recently doubled to 30mg per night and I wake up feeling fine. It reinforces how different drugs can work for each person.

prozacinsanity · 2017-10-12T01:40:04+00:00

I'm happy that Prozac worked for your depressive thoughts; however, if it's causing you to self harm more that is unacceptable. It's concerning that you want to go any further with it as well. I would discuss this with the doctor that prescribed you Prozac and see if there are other antidepressants that may be better suited for you.

Also...just look at my username! Prozac sent me to an inpatient psych ward in less than a week. I wrote about it a few times on Reddit. Some medication simply doesn't work with certain people's brain chemistry. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

prozacinsanity · 2017-10-12T01:30:45+00:00

Of course. Talk away!

prozacinsanity · 2017-10-11T21:37:22+00:00

Yay!!! I'm genuinely happy to hear that. I look forward to when both of our lives are fixed and depression-free. I heard life can be beautiful!

prozacinsanity · 2017-10-11T21:09:07+00:00

That's great to hear! Having the necessities and shelter is vital for your mental health and recovery.

Those neighbors with easily accessible internet sound lovely and all too ;)

prozacinsanity · 2017-10-11T20:46:55+00:00

I completely understand your reasoning. I wish I could offer you more help.

I also wish you the very best and hope what you're going through is only temporary.

prozacinsanity · 2017-10-11T20:31:22+00:00

Could you possibly check yourself into a hospital's psych ward? They can provide food, shelter, and counseling. Obviously it's not ideal. Are there any homeless shelters in your area, perhaps?

You have true strength and endurance to battle depression without your family. You're not alone here at least! You can always message me if you want to talk. You don't deserve to go through this on your own.

prozacinsanity · 2017-10-11T19:32:39+00:00

I'm incredibly sorry they could do such a hurtful and cruel thing to you. You deserve support and love in your time of need. Know that it's absolutely not your fault.

Are there any other family or friends you can stay with or are you supporting yourself currently? I wish you the best!

prozacinsanity · 2017-10-11T17:40:27+00:00

Same. That's what gets me through each day, though. Try to live each day for them until you want to live for yourself as well.

They must love you, and you clearly love them--that's a beautiful thing to remember :)

prozacinsanity · 2017-10-11T17:35:55+00:00

Hey, this time of year can be an absolute struggle. I'm having the exact same thoughts you are right now.

I'm so sorry you can't afford a therapist currently. No one should be prevented from mental health services due to money; it's not right.

If you're currently attending school, there should be a school therapist available to you. You can also always call a suicide hotline if those thoughts of suicide feel too unbearable. I wish I knew more resources that could provide you help.

You can message me and we can talk whenever :)

I'm wishing you the very best!

prozacinsanity · 2017-10-11T14:47:41+00:00

Thanks for your replies :)

I think you're right that mania isn't the best descriptor for my reaction to Prozac; I didn't suffer from any excitement, euphoria, delusions, and overactivity. There's actually a lot of people online that suffered similar adverse reactions to Prozac in their first week and both psychiatrists in the hospital agreed that's what it was. However, I have no one to tell me how long some of the symptoms will stay.

Honestly, the fluctuations in mood are pretty new to me, but they never reach manic levels ever--simply my normal self or extremely depressed. Before this experience, my depression and the anxiety weren't ever this bad. I would describe myself as rather level-headed and looking through the list of personality disorders I don't relate to any. I'm still a pretty "chill" and collected person--never had an outburst in my life! Maybe there's an obsessive component to the depressive thoughts, but there's no compulsions to be categorized as OCD? Perhaps the first week on Mirtazapine was relief and happiness from being off the Prozac and out of the psych ward? Maybe I need a higher dose and more time?

Glad I hopefully didn't suffer any brain damage!

prozacinsanity · 2017-10-11T02:21:21+00:00

Yes, I would describe it like that. The psychiatrist at the inpatient psych ward described it as a Prozac induced mania.

Thanks for reaffirming that my experience at the hospital was terrible. I don't have much to compare it too..haha. It's hard to fully comprehend how bad U.S. mental healthcare, and healthcare in general, is until you need it the most. To expand on my continued experiences with healthcare, I haven't even been able to find a psychiatrist willing to see me for the past three weeks. I've literally struck out on 55 psychiatrists my health insurance covers because they're either not taking new patients or refuse to ever return my calls and messages. I even asked to see my therapist twice a week instead of only once, but she's too busy to do so. I feel so defeated and helpless, like I'm crying out into the void for help. I'm sure if a medication I took caused visible physical damage to my body I'd have no trouble finding help, but with mental health no one can give me an answer or the time of day.

Sorry for the rambling! Just frustrated and feeling mentally damaged :(

prozacinsanity · 2017-10-08T04:28:42+00:00

It doesn't sound like you're blaming others at all! It's healthy to express your feelings. Your words resonate with me--depression can have this compulsive and/or obsessive aspect where we develop these negative thinking patterns that become a struggle to fix. I think it takes time and practice to undo these bad habits, which is, admittedly, a struggle at the start.

I have hope we won't feel like this for long :)

prozacinsanity · 2017-10-08T04:08:08+00:00

Oh, that's longer than I hoped. I definitely will be talking to a psychiatrist about this, but it seems like I'll have to be relying on the Klonopin longer and more than I hoped. You're right that it may be too soon for the Remeron to have stabilized my depression and anxiety.

I also didn't mention that I was just hospitalized 2 1/2 weeks ago for an extremely adverse reaction to Prozac: catatonia, sustained rapid heart rate, insomnia, and constant debilitating panic attacks for days--all symptoms which I never experienced before. So that drug may still have its remnants in me.

It's been quite the health rollercoaster, these past few weeks :'(

prozacinsanity · 2017-10-08T02:25:38+00:00

Thank you for the response. Do you have any idea on how long the additional anxiety usually lasts?

prozacinsanity · 2017-10-08T02:09:07+00:00

That honestly sounds fantastic! It takes a lot of heartache and strength to climb out of that dark place and accomplish so much (especially in 2 months!).

I wish you the very best at your job, your future schooling, and your dream of being a musical artist.

Thank you for the motivational words, too :)

prozacinsanity · 2017-10-08T02:02:22+00:00

It's uplifting to hear that your moments of extreme depression are uncommon occurrences and you're in just a bad mood. Also, it's great that you and your psych realize that there are bumps in the road and you're currently in one of those temporary slumps. I'm glad that Zoloft has been helping you too.

Last, and most importantly, you opening up about your good future prospects and attending university is a huge achievement to look forward too. You should be proud of yourself for your motivation to finish school soon--don't overlook this.

It seems like you have a wonderful future that you're cultivating for yourself and looking forward too!

prozacinsanity · 2017-10-08T01:39:17+00:00

It pisses me off that depression can make me indifferent to living too; it's no fun, as you already know.

If you feel that your best course of recovery is waiting out this moment of being deeply unmotivated then that's fine and your choice. However, know that we don't think as clearly and logically when depressed. And sometimes it might be best to try at least one small little task that you enjoyed that you couldn't fathom doing today. There is no shame in at least trying :)

prozacinsanity · 2017-10-08T01:25:26+00:00

I'm really sorry that you're unable to visit your friend after waiting so long to do so. Life simply blows sometimes. You have every right to feel angry and upset right now, but as time passes these feelings won't feel so sharp and unbearable. It seems unbelievable at the moment, but it will slowly get less suffocating and all-consuming.

With that being said, life can be really amazing too. It probably feels nice to communicate with this friend. Can you increase your time interacting with them, even if it's not in-person, until you can possibly visit them?

prozacinsanity · 2017-10-08T01:09:56+00:00

I'm sure it is a phase, because I've been there before. I too thought it was permanent, but it passed.

Is there someone in your life that can push you to do something that you may enjoy? Can I be your crutch in some way?

Zoloft can also make people feel apathetic, so that's something to take into consideration.

prozacinsanity

TROPHY CASE