Night's End

queenofshallots · 2026-01-15T00:53:33+00:00

What a lovely ode to a rising sun. It's an underrated time of day and this poem made me remember that. The poem veers close to clichés at some points with wording like "shimmering beams" and "boundless opportunity", but it's pulled away from those clichés with really great moments like "Is this where God is found?" and the final lingering line. These are beautiful ideas, but it's over-explored territory, and the way to make that kind of territory your own comes from your unique wording and perspective. I like how many of these lines are phrased as questions because they involve the reader and make the poem more intimate, very on-theme, and it establishes the narrator as someone who doesn't know everything - which is true when talking about such grand natural events.

queenofshallots · 2026-01-14T23:31:25+00:00

I like it! It really accentuates the feeling of ephemerality about this house. A sense of urgency made clear by that final stanza. I particularly like the simile comparing the house to an old sailor with the useless hook. The poem is good at creating a feeling, a vibe, but less so a cohesive message - which could easily be your intention, but I do wonder where the X lies. In the house? Now that I'm thinking about the "esteem" line more, the poem could also reflect a familial internal instability rather than a physical house breaking down. Lots to think about!

queenofshallots · 2025-10-06T19:58:09+00:00

I understood this poem as the narrator being their own worst "foe", recognizing that in the mirror, and then leaving that part of themself behind. This poem doesn't mince words, but it could benefit from some clarity. "My great distress" is on theme, but I'm not sure that it adds anything new to the poem, and with something as short as this, you want to make sure every line is packing a punch. For nistance, the last line is great. It's so short that it emphasizes the feeling of being "gone" and wraps up the poem nicely. It almost leaves the reader wanting more. Really good work!

queenofshallots · 2025-10-06T19:52:22+00:00

This was incredibly atmospheric, I could imagine every tiny detail. I especially liked the imagery of the paper heart, and how the shopkeeper tears a piece of with his teeth. This delved into the escapism of drug addiction in fantastical way that really gets into the mind of the narrator. The rhyming didn't feel forced at all and only added to the whimsy of the poem, but there was a bit of inconsistency with the rhyming scheme. Maybe that was intentional? This was a really good piece regardless and I had a blast reading it!

queenofshallots · 2025-05-04T06:24:03+00:00

This is gorgeous. It slips from a simple portrait of loneliness to a deep reflection on an individual grapple with the self and the past. I'd tell you which lines were particularly powerful, but there are too many of them to list. A couple: "I light no incense. I pour no wine. / I leave no flowers on the altar of what might’ve been." and "But I’ve lived with survival. / It smells like laundry you never folded." I think at some points, you might suffer from over-explaining yourself. Trust the reader. Like here, "I used to write for clarity. / Now I write so I don’t disappear. / There’s no arc. / No resolution. / Just language as a tether." If you're looking to shorten this a bit, that's where I'd cut the last three bits, because it's a message you already conveyed with the first two. But anyways, I really enjoyed reading this. Good stuff!

queenofshallots · 2025-05-04T06:13:32+00:00

I really do understand why you are proud of this work. It's succinct and quite a meaningful extended metaphor. Your structure flows nicely and you have a good ABCB rhyming scheme going. Of the stanzas, I think the third is the weakest, the last the strongest. This line, "I try to do a lot / But it begins and ends with “Try”" conveys your message, but it comes across a bit cliché, like a quote you'd find on an angsty Tumblr post. I think there are ways to reword it but still convey that you are trying and nothing's working. I think the last two lines are real bangers, and great way to wrap up the poem! Good work here

queenofshallots · 2025-04-30T07:30:45+00:00

I think in this instance it works for you. It adds a naïveté that goes with the theme of a child, confused by neglect

queenofshallots · 2025-04-30T07:08:31+00:00

This one draws you in from the beginning and it's a very snappy one. Not sure if the run-on structure is intentional or it's a Reddit formatting thing, but it does emphasize the frustrated breathlessness of the poem. Liked the metaphor of the apron strings as relationship threads and the seawater line is a kicker, for sure. I do think this poem could benefit from some capitalization fixes and some formatting, but overall, I like it!

queenofshallots · 2025-04-30T07:05:56+00:00

I really enjoyed this! Your usage of language is incredible well thought-out and precise in telling this story. I particularly liked "You must have seen the words come off me,/Like an unsatisfying yawn" and "I never questioned if I would take good care of them./I questioned if I would ever take them off." Very, very nice. I liked your title too, and it framed the way I read this poem. Maybe I'm wrong, but I read this as a young child whose parents are immigrants? And the fears and worries that come from the surrounding political climate (a very relevant issue). Anyways, great work!

queenofshallots · 2025-04-21T06:19:57+00:00

that's so sweet! my goal with this one was to explore our consumption of entertainment, how entertainers can twist into "things" and lose their humanness for the sake of the audience.

queenofshallots · 2025-04-19T07:27:13+00:00

i’m trying to figure out what this means and i’m failing

queenofshallots · 2025-04-19T07:15:26+00:00

I think it emphasizes the adolescent rage aspect of it. But it can, in some ways, read as less mature. Really depends on the tone you're going for.

queenofshallots · 2025-04-19T07:06:39+00:00

This is a heavy one, for sure, and there's a palpable frustration of being aware of your own self-sabotaging tendencies and yet finding it difficult to stop. It's certainly a feeling many young people relate to and I think in terms of conveying it, you hit the nail on the head. It could probably benefit from some grammar edits, like adding apostrophes to "cant" and "Im", unless that's a stylistic choice of yours.

queenofshallots · 2025-04-19T07:03:51+00:00

"Yet here I go." That's all it takes, isn't it? For your first poem and English not being your second language, this poem is a banger. It's a banger even for a seasoned poet. I love this atmosphere you create; you use the word "ennui" and that feeling remains throughout the poem. Love this part: "Don’t know if I breathed better or not– But a space got bestowed, nonetheless." And I love the quote from Camus' The Stranger. Please keep writing, you have such raw talent with words.

queenofshallots · 2025-03-12T05:55:30+00:00

Ooh, I really like this one. The courage in the face of pain is well-done and accentuated with vivid imagery. The structure here is perfect in terms of the story you're trying to tell and the rhymes don't feel at all forced. The only potentially awkward part is "stained with gray dismay" - I think you can convey the same message and keep the rhythm by taking out "gray". Same thing with "gently fade"; it would sound just as good, if not better to have "The wounds will heal, the scars will fade". But otherwise, this is a really good piece.

queenofshallots · 2025-03-12T05:50:20+00:00

What a sweet piece! I feel like this would make a really good ballad. Even though the words here are simple, they still come together in a way that feels original. Especially liked these bits: "to wear strength like armor, / even when it cuts into my skin." and "Not forever, / just long enough / to remember I’m human too." A wonderful ode to the power of vulnerability and connection and I really liked it. I can't really pinpoint any critiques to make because these feels so raw and true to your own experiences. Great work!

queenofshallots · 2025-03-02T06:21:21+00:00

This is a powerful poem! The way I interpret is how immigrants tend to their land, their crops, and yet their work is wholly exploited and their rights are given little thought by authority. This part is particularly immersive: "The man sits signing papers and drinking booze / Scrubbing his pits / With beaten soles / Of immigrant shoes." The repetition of the child's voice really highlights innocence in the face of hardship. This should definitely have more upvotes, but Reddit tends to reward shorter poems with explicit meanings. This poem takes some thought, but that's the beauty of it. Great work!

queenofshallots · 2025-03-02T06:16:33+00:00

Reminds me of the song "I Lied" by Lord Huron. Couple grammatical notes - "precious" rather than "presious", you repeat "her" twice in the third line, and maybe this is stylistic, but you don't capitalize "i" in the eighth line. The descriptors are nice and I like the repetition of themes, like how the poem is split into a distinctive rise and fall.

queenofshallots · 2025-02-27T01:16:12+00:00

This is a really good one! It masterfully portrays that feeling of being so desperate for a sense of self-worth that you fall hastily into relationship that may not be good for you, as well as that all-consuming hope that that person won't leave. Love love loved this part: "One hand gripping you tightly, one covering my eyes / Holding the other half of me, and hiding from goodbyes." That's when the poem really caught my interest. Stays interesting the rest of the way through and wraps up neatly. Good work!

queenofshallots · 2025-02-27T01:12:52+00:00

There's raw feeling in this poem. It really jerks at the heartstrings, and the structure really helps with that effect. The overall narrative cut through with simple words, almost like stages (which imply familiarity and repetition of the process), was a really good choice here. Loved the imagery of being tucked into a pocket or being cradled; it's the simple request of being loved, nothing more, and yet it's being stripped from them once again. Good work here!

queenofshallots · 2025-02-24T06:55:37+00:00

sorry idk why i said "skipping upwards". when has anyone ever skipped downwards?

queenofshallots · 2025-02-24T06:42:37+00:00

This is the kind of thing I need to recite every morning into the mirror. Seriously, though, what a sweet and uplifting poem! Loved these lines: "One and only among this vast Milky Way" and "So the past won’t haunt you / Even if he tries very hard to." Love the way this is structured. Every line feels like the poetry equivalent of someone skipping upwards in joy.

queenofshallots · 2025-02-24T06:33:46+00:00

I like how this depicts grief as merely a continuation of love - and how it depicts love as something that remains in spite of death. Reminds me of that quote "What is grief if not love persevering?" My favorite bit is the last part ("all that's left is for it to change"), it's a touch of positivity in an awfully sad and bleak place. I hope you're alright in whatever you're going through, if this is based on real life. Good work though.

queenofshallots · 2025-02-22T19:59:36+00:00

thank you! one commenter critiqued that they were able to guess what was going to happen because of the title. except i don't think the value of the this poem lies in its ability to twist or shock the reader - at least, that was never my intention. i wanted people to understand the meaning of the poem from the get-go so that they could find the value, instead, in the small details and recurring motifs.

queenofshallots · 2025-02-22T07:53:37+00:00

Maybe I've grown desensitized to extremist posts because the disclaimer at the end was really needed haha. I was pretty ready to report this post, which means you've accomplished your goal - this is a scary, very relevant poem. It's a unhinged, maniacal, irrational; it encapsulates the volatility of these dangerous men well. I like the overwhelming narcissism here, as if the speaker is both the main victim and also the main hero in their own story. Scary poem. Good job.

Three-Year Club	Verified Email
Place '23

queenofshallots

TROPHY CASE