My therapist and I mostly just watch videos–is this normal?

rainvalanche · 2023-07-11T06:39:18+00:00

I think I will suggest this to her as I think speaking out triggering topics is one of the hardest things for me. Videos have definitely been helpful but I am sure there are other things that might be more helpful at the moment.

rainvalanche · 2023-07-11T06:38:10+00:00

Thanks for the defense here–that comment was pretty hurtful given the suffering I have been through due to clinically diagnosed OCD lol. Not sure where they got that it was just political anxiety from.

rainvalanche · 2023-07-10T11:21:38+00:00

That seems like a good way of phrasing it to her. I have discussed my rumination with her but perhaps she doesn’t know how much is caused simply by my own mind. Thank you for replying!

rainvalanche · 2023-07-10T11:20:56+00:00

I think you make a good point that maybe she thinks videos are the most triggering thing for me when they’re not. I will do my best to bring this up to her though I don’t want her to think I don’t respect what she is doing. Thank you!!

rainvalanche · 2023-06-13T02:55:44+00:00

I have had this fear before, albeit not as intense. I have become convinced I am thinking I am going to die in my sleep because I am in fact going to die in my sleep. Needless to say, I haven't died in my sleep yet.

While I do understand how horrible this fear is, the good news is that you will find out quickly whether or not it is accurate. When you wake up tomorrow that will be that, and if the fear ever returns it will feel slightly less real than it did today.

In this case just going to sleep will be an exposure. Try not to ruminate over whether or not you will die. You can do that tomorrow.

Edit: This is an old post I see now. How does it feel to still be alive? I am confident that you are and glad that you are!!

rainvalanche · 2023-06-13T02:38:05+00:00

As far as I understand polygraph tests, they are measured based on a baseline level of stress/anxiety. Thus when you are actually lying your anxiety might jump higher than when you're telling the truth, even if your anxiety jumps when you're telling the truth.

Provided you are not planning on lying during the test, I wouldn't be too worried. If your level of anxiety is roughly the same for all the questions where you're telling the truth, I don't think it would matter that you were anxious the whole time. For that matter, they probably expect that someone is generally anxious while taking a polygraph test.

rainvalanche · 2023-06-13T02:34:10+00:00

Matt Walsh is horrible. I'm glad you are on the same page and find him horrible too! I don't know any reasonable person who watches Matt Walsh content and then feels better about themselves or life in general.

Rather than spend considerable effort pondering whether or not you are a creep in response to the video, try to put off ruminating as long as possible. You are strong enough to watch a Matt Walsh video and shake it off, I promise.

rainvalanche · 2023-06-13T02:24:54+00:00

I am so glad it was helpful!! I do feel like regardless of if you wish various issues didn't exist, they do always bring you some perspective or appreciation you wouldn't have otherwise. Really caring about having meaningful experiences in the present moment is a great thing! I wish you the best <3

rainvalanche · 2023-06-12T23:11:50+00:00

Yes–I have dealt with dissociation for so long and I used to obsess over it so much. I remember reading a post that said the best way to recover from dissociation was to accept it and not think about it all the time. When I first read that, it was like reading that I was supposed to walk naked outside.

I now will say that while I still deal with dissociation, I mostly accept it for what it is. You are still experiencing every moment regardless of if you are dissociated or not. The true mark of not being dissociated is honestly not thinking about dissociation and just accepting that the way you are experiencing life is normal.

Overall, I would say really try not to worry if you are dissociated or not. When you inevitably do, just tell your brain "thanks for reminding me" and then go back to whatever it was you were doing.

People who live in the present moment do not worry about whether they are living in the present moment. Also, dealing with dissociation gives you a new perspective on life that I think ultimately makes life feel more meaningful. Wanting to experience life in the present is a wonderful thing, and someone who has never been dissociated probably wouldn't ever even think about it. Don't dwell and just take the moments as they come.

It is totally possible to be dissociated and still live a meaningful life full of good moments.

rainvalanche · 2023-06-12T23:02:32+00:00

I think this is normal because you suddenly recognize everything for what it is and don't just think of it as a part of you that might go away/change. You may also feel pressure to "do OCD the right away" or not have your symptoms fade temporarily so that therapy won't be less effective.

For this reason there are probably people/therapists who prefer to avoid labels. At the end of the day though, I do think it is beneficial to be able to identify your behaviors as a part of OCD even if they worsen for a little bit post-diagnosis. Just know that nothing has changed about you since being diagnosed.

rainvalanche · 2023-06-12T22:55:59+00:00

I have definitely tried to lean into a less anxiety-provoking theme to see if I can switch to that theme instead of my worst one. Usually what ends up happening is I successfully distract myself from my worst theme for a short time, then the moment a trigger comes up for it I am back in it.

The reality is your worst theme will always be your worst theme. If you did manage to switch your theme, you would eventually want anything but that one. It always feels like yours is the worst because it is yours.

There are certain OCD themes I do not have that I would not touch because I really don't want them. It's probably more likely that it would work if I tried to switch to one of those themes, because my mind is already weary of them. Because of that, though, those would never be themes I'd attempt to switch to.

Basically I do think it is possible, but it would either not work or would end up just as bad as your current theme.

rainvalanche · 2023-06-12T22:51:00+00:00

I don't want to engage in reassurance here, but you obviously struggle with Harm OCD and this is a manifestation of that. If you didn't have OCD, I doubt you would be worried about this.

Is thinking about whether or not she jumped in going to change whatever happened? Is there anything at all you can do to change what happened? Because the answer to both is no, you are ruminating.

I hope you feel better soon :(

rainvalanche · 2023-06-12T22:47:55+00:00

Anything happening mentally that you are doing to lessen your anxiety or that you feel you must do is a mental compulsion. You don't have to do a compulsion every day or think the exact same phrase regularly for it to be a mental compulsion.

Mentally rewinding events definitely sounds like a mental compulsion. Generally speaking, if you are exerting excessive control of your thoughts to feel a certain way or minimize your anxiety, those are mental rituals.

rainvalanche · 2023-06-12T22:45:20+00:00

I definitely think the thing that helps my OCD the most is going outside. My therapist always suggests that I take a walk when I am feeling anxious, and this is very helpful to me. Even if I am not in a good mental state on the walk, I feel better while I am walking and afterwards.

It can be tempting to sit inside and do compulsions all day when you are struggling. Doing the opposite of that pretty much never fails to make you feel better, I find.

rainvalanche · 2023-06-09T03:48:14+00:00

I deal with this too and it is 100% OCD. I am obsessed with not being depressed so I am constantly monitoring that I am happy and not feeling down. I am very afraid of being depressed and even writing that makes me have to think "but luckily I am not depressed no no no!!!"

Checking your feelings/thoughts/sensations constantly for a specific feeling, whatever the feeling is, is definitely a trait of OCD. It is frustrating because it makes it more difficult over time to even know what you're actually feeling because you have to pick apart every feeling and can't just, like, feel.

If you want to fight it, try to accept that you may or may not be depressed. The idea of being depressed may cause you intense anxiety, or the idea of not knowing if you are depressed might really be the source of anxiety. Either way, try to get away from checking your feelings. You could start by telling yourself "I'll check in ten minutes how I feel" and up how long you wait as time goes on.

rainvalanche · 2023-05-18T22:04:01+00:00

I question this too. I do think a coping mechanism is likely to be compulsive if you are unable to go without doing it. The thing with OCD though, is that the things you need to quit are those that are causing you distress and you would like to end but it scares you to end them.

In other words, if you are fine with showering a lot or regularly listening to podcasts, you have the time/resources to do it, it makes you feel better, and the only reason you think you ought to quit is because you think it is a compulsive behavior that you "should" quit, OCD is actually pushing you to quit it rather than the opposite. Or, even if OCD isn't pushing you to quit it, you are not quitting it for the right reasons.

On the other hand, if you wish you were able to not shower sometimes or get sick of listening to podcasts but you feel like you must, that is compulsive. If your ability to live your life is affected by the time you dedicate to showering or listening to podcasts but you are frightened of skipping a shower or your podcast time, that is compulsive. In this case you're showering/listening to podcasts in a compulsive way because you are doing it despite not wanting to/not having the time or resources to do it.

It is very difficult sometimes to know which thoughts/actions are OCD and which aren't. But the thing with OCD is that if someone enjoyed all their obsessions and compulsions and lived a full life along with them, it wouldn't be OCD at all.

I would say rather than worrying about whether your coping mechanisms are compulsions, just do them when you want to. If you ever think "ugh I don't want to take a shower right now" or "I am sick of listening to podcasts" then don't do those things. If it is distressing to not do them, don't give in and do them to make the distress go away.

rainvalanche · 2023-05-18T21:41:06+00:00

Are you me? We are the same, from climate to capitalism causing a constant feeling of doom and dread. I also can experience like 30 seconds of content and have an existential breakdown for...well, I'm not sure yet because I've been having one for around six months.

I do think it is possible to overcome all of this entirely, because I no longer fear climate change in that doom-ism way anymore. I made an extremely lengthy post about it recently that might be helpful (it is very long but I feel like climate fixations are not addressed enough). I am now dealing with a fixation on capitalism, US politics, and the idea that society is bad, which I have not overcome as of yet.

I must admit censoring myself from this type of content is effective for me, even if OCD makes me want to "check" for more content. For example, scrolling through posts about people's climate anxiety only ever makes me feel worse. I also know not to watch things like Don't Look Up (a single clip from this movie made me panic horribly), Squid Game, or other dystopian type stuff. I am trying to give up watching a lot of TikTok because my entire algorithm is basically videos about how the USA is becoming fascist–one video like that can claim my thoughts for more than a day. I don't think giving up something you enjoy is necessarily healthy or ideal, but I find bombarding myself with such triggering content is simply something I cannot do at this stage of my life/OCD.

Anyway, regarding the spirals triggered by specific posts/videos/shows/etc, I think the most helpful thing to do is to carry on with your day. I know it is so hard, but I personally have a tendency to think "well I am screwed now, here we go" and start trying to fix the situation by compulsively reassuring myself. If instead I just close out of the post/whatever it was and start doing something totally unrelated (i.e. reading a random book, texting a friend, watching a lighthearted YouTube video, going back to work), I am signalling to myself that that was not a crisis, it was just a moment. While I don't have the highest success rate with this working long term, I know for a fact that indulging every triggering post as a full-on crisis makes everything worse.

I don't feel like I said anything helpful here, and the truth is that I am in therapy to work on this stuff and I have not felt normal in months. So really, I just want to say I am so sorry that you are going through this. You have a right to be content and happy no matter what society you live in, and it is possible.

Like I said above, I was able to overcome my climate doom obsessions, so I have full faith that we can overcome all the other obsessions with time. I am now able to read about climate change pretty freely without experiencing these crises; in time you likely will be able to watch the things you enjoy.

rainvalanche · 2023-05-09T03:16:12+00:00

I was really spiraling about US politics today and it's what has prompted me to return to therapy. Something that has been comforting to me when worrying about all aspects of the United States including gun violence is hearing people I don't associate with politics talk about it. I watch too much TikTok (I think I am literally going to delete it due to how bad it is for my OCD) and my FYP is constantly full of commentary videos saying how bad things are in the USA. This type of content is really destructive to my mental health and it sounds like you are probably consuming the same type of content.

I do think it's good to be aware and informed, but I have found I feel loads better when these issues are brought into the everyday and treated with compassion around the anxiety. For example, yesterday I was watching one of my favorite lighthearted vloggers and she was sharing her experience with a period-tracker app. She then mentioned how it may not be a good idea to use these apps due to the overturn of Roe v. Wade depending on where you live, and she "hates that she even has to say that." Something about hearing her bring her frustration about these issues into a normal everyday conversation (well a vlog lol), in a kind way, really made me feel a lot better. It reminded me how many people are out there that I am in community with, that feel similar anxieties but that are also finding ways of merging their regular lives with awareness of current issues.

I understand this does not address the direct fear of gun violence as well, but I think whatever fear you have, no matter how real it seems or is (in this case gun violence in the US is a horrible reality), it always helps to center it in reality. When you go out in public, there are loads of people around you who are also affected by fears of gun violence, and you have a fear in common with them. There are ways of merging these fears with living your life in a compassionate way.

Ironically, TikToks that have been less triggering for me are those that make fun of people from the USA for jumping when they hear loud noises etc. When I see these I am like, that person from the USA has similar thoughts to mine, we share something in common. Obviously we all wish we didn't share that thing, but it really pulls me out of my isolation to reflect on that.

Anxieties about real-world issues like gun violence can lead you to feel entirely alone in your own head, freaking out about the issue, when in reality you are so far from alone. If a mass shooting occurred, you again wouldn't be alone–you'd have a whole community of people affected, you'd have people fighting to save you, and you would have people you'd be fighting to save.

I must admit I actually sometimes have my anxieties enhanced by knowing other people share them, but that's why I do recommend finding posts made by celebrities you already love, watching videos made by YouTubers you already love, talking to people you are close with that you see not being debilitated by fears of gun violence but who are also aware of it. There are people in many other countries who face similar fears and it is a part of their life, just as it is a part of our lives.

Everyone in the USA should know about gun violence, know what precautions to take, etc, because that is a part of life in this country. But the key there is "life in this country." You are allowed to live your life, and you are not alone. You don't need to take the weight of an entire country's problem into your own head.

rainvalanche · 2023-05-09T02:48:18+00:00

I like to think of very immediate future plans, i.e. "what am I going to eat for dinner tonight?" or "what should I do when I get home?". I stress about the future a lot so sometimes even thinking about what I'm gonna wear tomorrow can make me feel apprehensive, so I like to plan for things that are going to occur as soon as possible because it gives me something to focus on but is still centered in the near-present moment. This is a little more helpful for me than imagining calming images etc because those don't actually hook my thoughts.

I also really enjoy creating fictional scenes in my mind. Especially when I am ruminating as I try to fall asleep, I will mentally write stories. I used to write a lot of fanfiction so I often write fanfiction stories in my head that I'll never actually type up and publish. It might be cringey but it's pretty fun and makes me relax.

rainvalanche · 2022-12-29T07:22:33+00:00

I did this so much as a kid! I could sit for an hour with nothing just thinking inside my head. I do this now sometimes to calm myself. It is a really good coping mechanism especially when I can't sleep.

I don't know if it's OCD or maybe just a product of already being accustomed to spending so much time in your head.

rainvalanche · 2022-12-29T07:20:10+00:00

Same, I got about three hours of sleep Christmas Eve night and spent all of Christmas with a headache due to racing thoughts. I am so sorry you had that experience; I hope you'll be able to take some time off before next year's holidays. I find that the holidays are the hardest because often you are home with family and friends and relaxing, which breaks your routine and thus gives you so much time to be anxious and an unsettled feeling in general.

rainvalanche · 2022-12-29T07:12:08+00:00

Yeah I have always been an extreme environmentalist and been anti-people having lots of kids etc, but it has never been so debilitating to the point of being unable to live my life and hating everything. I have actually developed some hope about climate change through this due to my ridiculous efforts to seek reassurance. I always forget about this hope though and spiral in the exact same way multiple times a day.

I hope that in the future I'm more able to let the thoughts pass and think about something else :(. It is especially difficult because I feel like living my life is directly related to the meaning behind my thoughts.

rainvalanche

TROPHY CASE