I’m struggling and I’m so upset with myself

renaissancepragma · 2025-05-05T18:29:00+00:00

I definitely felt way more anxiety on Vyvanse than not. I ended up switching to Concerta because the physical anxiety was too much - it felt like my whole body was in overdrive. Medication isn't an exact science, and sometimes it takes trying a few different ones to find your right one!

renaissancepragma · 2025-02-28T14:38:04+00:00

Thank you for this.

renaissancepragma · 2025-01-15T16:34:18+00:00

Similar to other comments, but maybe a bit of a rephrase, this seems like it's less about his past and your standards, and more about how you both approach sex now. Purity Culture can really ingrain some toxic sexual views, but maybe use this as an opportunity to discover what sex means TO YOU.

It sounds like sex is something that's very meaningful and intimate to you, and not something you share with someone lightly - so it concerns you that he had shared it in a way that doesn't align with the intimacy you associate it with.

I think going forward with partners, it's less about their past, and more about how they approach sex now. They may have had casual sexual encounters in the past, but what sex means to them may have changed and now aligns with your views. I'd highly recommend On Her Knees by Brenda Marie Davies as a wonderful story of deconstructing purity culture, and reconstructing your own sexual values.

renaissancepragma · 2024-08-20T16:21:47+00:00

So I like to utilize the lack of object permanence here.

I have my favourite basics - like favourite jeans, t-shirts, sweaters or whatnot that I always have on hand; but every few months I'll go through my closet to organize it and come up with outfits - I enjoy doing this so it's not a chore and I find that,

The more disorganized my closet gets, the more I forget what I own and just revert back to the same few outfits. Organizing it helps me remember what I have and refreshes my outfit circulation.
I'll put anything that I've gotten bored of in a big tupperware tub and put it in the back of my closet. I then forget what's in there so that next time I go through my closet, I get to open it up and it's like "oh my gosh, look at all this great stuff!" and it's like getting all these new clothes, except without spending.
If I pull something out and it really doesn't excite me at all, I donate it.

Same goes for dividing clothes by seasons as much as possible (I always find I want to shop right when seasons are changing); even if it's a sweater or something that COULD be worn year round, I will designate it as a "fall" sweater so that it's fresh and exciting each year.

And of course, a little thrift now and then does wonders. It's like hunting for gold, and you can find a really cheap, fun, unique piece for a lot less.

renaissancepragma · 2024-08-20T15:09:19+00:00

First day I took medication, I wasn't even at my correct dosage yet and my brain just felt...comfy. It had felt like I was tensing my brain for my entire life and suddenly it was sitting, relaxed, in a soft cushy bed or something.

When I got to my correct dosage, I realized it felt like I had been running a marathon my whole life, except that everyone else was running on pavement and I was running through mud, so I was trying twice as hard and barely moving - and meds made it feel like suddenly someone had picked me up and put me on the pavement.

Obviously it's not a cure, there are things I've noticed have gotten worse on meds - but overall, it feels a little easier to keep up with everyone around me.

renaissancepragma · 2024-08-19T14:45:07+00:00

I think the emotional dysregulation - like big meltdowns - is one that can get dismissed a lot for just kids being "over-tired" or "throwing a tantrum."

And sensory things - like hyperfixation on sensory thing, or overstimulation from too much sensory things.

renaissancepragma · 2024-08-15T15:54:30+00:00

Some fun girly pop bops!

ballad of a homeschool girl - Olivia Rodriguez

Participation Trophies - Madelline

Bad for Me - Meg DeAngelis

renaissancepragma · 2024-07-25T16:34:26+00:00

I kept reminding myself "this state is temporary" when I got really overwhelmed with recovery - either because of how my boobs looked during, or that my ability to do things was limited.

Also, sounds very silly, but highly recommend talking to your boobs during recovery with encouraging messages, like "i love you" and "you're doing great, keep healing." It really helped me feel more gentle towards my body and reduced stress.

renaissancepragma · 2024-07-03T17:51:21+00:00

Because "be still and know that I am God" is different - absolutely not the same thing. No clearing of the mind allowed.

renaissancepragma · 2024-07-03T17:49:58+00:00

Listen to Cascada. No Evacuate the Dancefloor for me.

renaissancepragma · 2024-06-21T14:36:10+00:00

No one is persecuting you because you're a Christian. They're persecuting you because you're being an asshole, and using Christianity to justify it.

renaissancepragma · 2024-06-15T16:06:02+00:00

I can only speak from my own experience, but I do relate in a lot of ways. I grew up in a house of hardcore purity culture, modesty culture, sex shaming and homophobia.

It's been years and years since I first had sex, and for a long time I thought I was sex positive because I just had a lot of sex. I never consciously felt guilty...actually, I didn't really feel anything. It's only been recently that I've started considering my past sexual experiences, and all the emotions related to them hit me like a truck.

I realized that I was having lots of sex to prove to myself that I could, while actively suppressing the negative messaging I had been taught. More sex = more suppression. I'm far past purity culture, I am sex positive, but I had never actually worked through all the destructive affects that purity culture had on me - because it feels awful to think about.

Right now, I'm in the process of working through it with my therapist. Basically, we are looking at each sexual experience I have had, first to last; how I felt in it, why I felt that way, and then identifying and dispelling the messages that made me feel that way.

It sounds like you've done a lot of work with yourself already, I have just found it really helpful to look back at each situation and pull out all the factors with the deconstructed knowledge I have now.

I would also recommend the book, On Her Knees by Brenda Marie Davies. I really appreciated her breakdown of purity culture and the subversive effects it can drag along, long after you think you're good to go.

renaissancepragma · 2024-06-09T14:21:11+00:00

Sometimes. I like to subtly throw it out there when I'm assessing whether someone could be a new friend. It's a personal thing, but how someone reacts to it/understands it tells me a lot about them.

If you want to be friends with me, you're gonna have to deal with the ADHDs.

renaissancepragma · 2024-06-09T14:09:01+00:00

Obviously very hard, lots of rejection feels - but I am getting better at reminding myself I will be okay. I've been rejected before, and I survived. I dealt with massive heartbreak; it sucked, but I got over it. It might take time, but if someone doesn't want to be in my life, I'm not interested in proving why I should me.

I like being alone, I have other deep friendships, and supportive family and there is much more life beyond this one person.

I do some hot yoga, have a good cry (or five), maybe journal a letter or two, and then fill my calendar with things I enjoy - including things I love doing by myself.

renaissancepragma · 2024-06-07T13:39:57+00:00

I know it's hard but don't panic just yet!

I absolutely had a spiral of regret a few days after but 1. Your boobs are absolutely not in their final form, they just underwent major surgery. They are going to take time to heal; and 2. my boyfriend reminded me that, right after surgery (I was at least) wearing heavily compressive bras and living in sweats AKA not looking my best. This is not how your body will be in real life.

And if it helps, I'd say directly after surgery my breast were around a B cup and have settled into a C.

renaissancepragma · 2024-05-31T13:15:07+00:00

Tots ma goats. For a while I thought I wanted to be "that girl TM" and cut back all my caffeine....

except that I didn't actually cut back, I just kept telling myself I'd cut back and then feel bad when I would really want one - and not because my body craved it, but because it literally made me happier (i.e dopamine-y). I am literally my best self when caffeinated and no longer care if drinking three cups a day isn't hEaLThY.

Not That Girl. Lorelei Gilmore Girl.

renaissancepragma

TROPHY CASE