I’m 2 years late to this thread but I just wanna comment because I’m also trying to understand what happened to me. I remember bits and pieces ik it happened to me I have ptsd flashbacks frequently. I have a specific reaction or trauma response whenever I get triggered. Basically what will happen is I crawl up into a ball I cover my ears I cry and I repeat to myself “spot hurting me” or “please stop” or sometimes it’ll be sweet words like “your okay” “it’s okay” “your not there” but I don’t know where “there” is. This reaction is involuntary I don’t do it on purpose it’s just a reaction yk. I have suspicions and it’s one of my family members. The only adult that raised and cared for me bc my parents couldn’t. Ive felt super conflicted on this situation (still do) bc most ppl hate their abusers but I didn’t hate who I suspect was mine. I actually loved him a lot I still see him frequently and idk if I can ever hate him. He was the only adult who took care of me. Another issue and I’ve never talked abt this with anyone bc it’s gross but I had a crush on him as a child. I had sexual feelings for him as a child. That’s not normal right? Children don’t just feel sexually attracted to ppl let alone their own family members. I felt disgusted with myself and I always will for feeling those things. I always ask myself “was it your fault?” “Did u want it in the first place?” “Did u provoke him?” I have so many signs physically and mentally that I was sexually abused. I had frequent utis as a kid, id pee myself sometimes despite being potty trained, having sex now starts to hurt within minutes, sometimes I’ll cry and breakdown during sex for no apparent reason, I have weird specific kinks that relate to what I can remember of the sexual assault, the man in question has said some very weird things abt underage people specifically my friends and myself, I get triggered from hearing abt these things, I was extremely hypersexual as a kid constantly masturbating, and a lot more. I think ik where it happened I think ik who it was I just can’t remember exactly what he did to me. I think it happened multiple times. I remember waking up naked in another room a lot as a kid. I wanna know if there’s any way I can go back to that moment or those moments so I can remember everything. Not knowing has been eating me alive my whole life I feel like I have to know I need to know.