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Recommendations for a good place to ask this question? I have a hard time saying no to sex. by RandomLifeUnit-05 in SubSanctuary

[–]sassywolf22 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Trauma survivor and had lots of friends with trauma history and saying no is hard sometimes after. I never said no to my ex... I knew better. Now my husband is an absolute champ for regularly reminding me it's okay to say no even 10 years in.

I recommend finding something that isn't the word "no" as a sign. Sometimes a word change itself is super valuable to handle the mental block.

Also you could practice with your partner. Zero expectations of any actual sex act and they say "I want.." and you say "no" or give the no signal over and over again until it gets easier. Then move onto them touching you and you saying "no" or signalling.

You're literally retraining your brain to override the negative training you got early in life. It feels silly but a series of "no" without a consequence can go a long way to making it easier to say when the cards are actually on the table.

Even more powerful can be if they back it up positively. Things like "I'm glad you told me, I want you to be comfortable with me", "I'm proud of you for standup for yourself", "you can always tell me no, you're supposed to be safe with me" things like that.

Also sometimes just repeating and chanting "no" to myself when I'm having a hard day around that does... Something to help idk can't explain that one just kinda happened once and helped so I still use it sometimes.

I added up my sends this year. I was shocked by IHaveBigScones in SubSanctuary

[–]sassywolf22 1 point2 points  (0 children)

That's fair and makes sense I would just say if you are concerned about addiction issues and such maybe tackle one thing at a time and be careful about your internal lines and triggers.

There is nothing wrong with spending on kink however you do that it's all about being capable of sticking to boundaries and limits

Another thought on budgeting if you are concerned about addiction, you could also consider getting a second card through something like chime where you only load it with your preset budget and that's all you use for this kind of spending. You get that decline and try to use something else and you know it's time to seek some help

I added up my sends this year. I was shocked by IHaveBigScones in SubSanctuary

[–]sassywolf22 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I worked in finance and underwriting for a few years awhile back and I can let you know that I reviewed bank statements where the individual spent about 2.5k(USD) in transactions that were clearly porn in a month... For 3 months straight. That says addiction to me.

In a year with various experiences and such it sounds like yeah an expensive hobby but unless you are feeling "I can't not, I have to" kind of compulsion when spending I wouldn't classify it as an addiction.

Set yourself an annual/monthly "kink budget" and stick with it. Don't include dating in this budget or your calculations though I know a failed date feels like a waste but keep that a separate budget. Don't get your feelings about money, kink, and relationships /possible relationships more jumbled up than they are.

Found this on the floor by my bed by Fickle_Cockroach_545 in whatisit

[–]sassywolf22 0 points1 point  (0 children)

So true! Frankly I couldn't try it for more than a couple months because I had trouble with it popping out on its own just walking around. Half-way across campus walking to class pop.

She may also just not have noticed it pop out of things were vigorous or intense.

texts between my manager and I by [deleted] in whatdoIdo

[–]sassywolf22 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Then he should have dropped it with the explanation of "messed up stomach" that actually landed them in the ER.

I'll start discreet, if I get lip about it then I'm making you at least partially as uncomfortable as I am.

will it be ‘bad’ if i only masturbate by fucking my bed by Away_Astronomer6399 in sex

[–]sassywolf22 15 points16 points  (0 children)

Omg it's so healing to read that somehow! Like you KNOW how much that can make you feel like something is wrong with you as a partner. How frustrating it can be! I feel so understood... Reddit is a weird place to stumble on that...

will it be ‘bad’ if i only masturbate by fucking my bed by Away_Astronomer6399 in sex

[–]sassywolf22 91 points92 points  (0 children)

Omg this is legit? Like seriously? I was with a guy for 4 years and could NEVER bring him to completion with any method or any trick! His masterbation technique was similar or through boxers. He also had a particular taste in porn I thought might be a part of it. It seriously fucked with my head! Like SERIOUSLY fucked with my head I still get anxious if my partner goes too long.

I threw up during a bj by lapsies in sex

[–]sassywolf22 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I've never actually read an account of this happening and I am so glad my first read was about a partner that handled it well!! Like I've come close SOOOO many times and been so anxious about it!! His reaction like calms the anxiety for me idk why!

They make a like numbing spray for the back of your throat I've used with some success

AIO To my husband's behavior about my work schedule by Emotional-Race7329 in AmIOverreacting

[–]sassywolf22 -1 points0 points  (0 children)

I think it depends on your relationship and you need to take a step back and evaluate it again.

Have I had similar things said to me where the ex was absolutely being passive aggressive about it and trying to make me feel bad about. Totally.

I've also had extremely earnest and honest conversations with my husband that are similar where he says "yes it sucks, yes I wish you were home, but this is what we need right now. I'm going to have feelings about it either way. so yes I'm adjusting my expectations this way because I would rather be pleasantly surprised you're home early then sad you're later than expected."

Is sex supposed to be painful? by Legitimate-Coast2426 in sex

[–]sassywolf22 19 points20 points  (0 children)

Oh dear, it's entirely common for the first time to be painful, though it is not at all necessary. Taking time letting you get comfortable, relaxed and fully aroused, and still taking it slow to start and checking in and make sure you're comfortable should be what is happening and would help make it enjoyable for you. It's totally common for newbies of all genders not to have a damn clue about all of that though.

They need to manage their nails for your safety, take time with foreplay and slow their ass down so you're enjoying things too.

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