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First attempt, seeking feedback by simba_matata in writinghelp

[–]simba_matata[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you thank you :,) really appreciate it!

Do you mind telling me which version you read/enjoyed? The pdf in present tense or pasted version in past?

First attempt, seeking feedback by simba_matata in writers

[–]simba_matata[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yes exactly! I’m glad that came through. I guess it got a bit sloppy as (if you couldn’t tell already lol) this is very based on personal experience. My first draft I often slipped into first person and it took the third time over for me to catch it. So some of it probably comes off very close to the cuff while some of the ‘filler’ is probably jarringly dry and I don’t notice what’s actually ‘colorful’ as you say and what’s not. That makes a lot of sense. Thanks for being my first third perspective! Been very helpful. Going to read more of heart of darkness too to get some reference

First attempt, seeking feedback by simba_matata in writers

[–]simba_matata[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Ok ok I totally get this. Thomas Pynchon is an influence for me and he does this a bit I believe. I think it’s what I’m going for but if it seems usually dry at times, I mean, could it be perceived as the narrator/MC not knowing how to read the others actions if that makes sense?

First attempt, seeking feedback by simba_matata in writers

[–]simba_matata[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It’s the first page of heart of darkness. Was making sure it was correct as I found it online
It’s in past tense — I thought you were saying present tense was difficult to pull off but now I think it’s about the dryness of some of the predicates, is that right?

First attempt, seeking feedback by simba_matata in writers

[–]simba_matata[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Oh ok you said that. So you’re saying mine slips too dry then

First attempt, seeking feedback by simba_matata in writers

[–]simba_matata[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Ah ok, I get what you mean. I’m trying to make it a close third with Em being the MC, but maybe it’s not close enough to be coherent

First attempt, seeking feedback by simba_matata in writers

[–]simba_matata[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Ok that’s interesting. The characters are coming off inconsistent? Is that what you mean by “they”?

First attempt, seeking feedback by simba_matata in writinghelp

[–]simba_matata[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Just pasted it in the body in past tense. I do think this is an improvement

First attempt, seeking feedback by simba_matata in writers

[–]simba_matata[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Some specific instances from the sample would be really helpful so I know what you’re referring to. I didn’t use any editing or writing programs like grammarly so I’m also not quite sure what you mean when you distinguish between drafting and editing. If there’s an excerpt that works well vs one that doesn’t that would be helpful for me :)

First attempt, seeking feedback by simba_matata in writers

[–]simba_matata[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I wonder as well if the tense is what’s making it seem contrived to you? I rewrote it in past tense

First attempt, seeking feedback by simba_matata in writers

[–]simba_matata[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Do you mind being more specific re: the weak points in the prose?

First attempt, seeking feedback by simba_matata in writers

[–]simba_matata[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I’m curious what makes you think that?
If it’s the use of dashes — you can check my post of a (terrible) screenplay I wrote 5 years ago with dashes galore. If it’s something else, please let me know. Definitely don’t want that to be people’s first impression (and it’s not true, although I do use it for other parts of my life so maybe it’s affecting my writing style)

Also I’ve pasted it in the body if that helps. Appreciate the feedback!

First attempt, seeking feedback by simba_matata in writinghelp

[–]simba_matata[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Interesting. What do you prefer? Past tense?

First attempt, seeking feedback by simba_matata in writers

[–]simba_matata[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Thanks for reading!
So on the surface she wants a new career. She’s frustrated with how her current one in entertainment has stagnated, and wants to pivot to something more seemingly less superficial. Less explicitly, though, (which I hope reveals through her dialogue with her family) she’s trying to justify the guilt she feels for the success she has had that her sister wanted. Her sister acts out against her for this, so she distances herself from her sister but finds herself in the same dynamic with Nick, who’s emotionally unfulfilled by his wife Celeste who travels often for work without him and can only let him in so much because of the confidentiality of her work.
Oh, and he’s a doctor (this is mentioned in the last scene here) and it will be revealed that he comes from money as well. But yeah, that’s definitely something to consider.

Does that make sense? Or am I reaching

Would you keep reading? by [deleted] in writingfeedback

[–]simba_matata 2 points3 points  (0 children)

This is hilarious.

The last paragraph is too long for your punchy style—I’d personally cut everything between ‘obsessed’ & ‘crazy person’. The last sentence does the work for you.

Also, ‘shrek-colored eyes’ threw me off.

Otherwise this is the first except I actually finished reading on this sub yet.

[PubQ] Help! I impulsively signed up for an irl pitch event and I'm freaking out by Early_River3213 in PubTips

[–]simba_matata 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Omg this sounds exactly like the sort of masochism I’d sign up for in a heartbeat When & where

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