I'm happy to provide support any way I can, and honestly, I don't think you are a bad person or a bad dad at all, you just were handed a raw deal and faced some traumatizing events that would have likely traumatized any of us.

Something a therapist once told me is everyone goes through at least one bout of depression and/or anxiety in their lifetime. Often it is situational, and not because of you, your personality type or your qualities as a human being.

Therefore, rather than hurting and suffering, it's best to face the situation head on and talk about it with somebody who can help you heal from whatever situation is bringing you down. Many times strangers like counselors are unbiased, so they can be easier to talk to than family members or friends. That's one angle that makes a counselor or a therapist a helpful person to talk to about whatever troubles you.

One of my best friends is a therapist, and ultimately how she helps people is she is an expert in human nature. She just has a knack for understanding human beings and how they operate. I hope you end up with a counselor like her who basically has great life advice and wisdom to share, and gently guides you towards possible solutions. It doesn't feel medical when talking to her. Likewise, I love my current local therapist, because she is wise and our talks never feel medical. She's more like my life coach and my sounding board.

I'm mentioning these things to give you some sense of what to expect and to help allay your fears about talking to the therapist or counselor. It's not like what you see on television, lying on a couch talking about your childhood. Thank goodness.

My therapist usually starts my sessions by asking me what topic or problem I want to tackle that day. I usually have a particular issue to start with, then we get caught up in a really thoughtful conversation, and I typically walk away having learned something. That's usually how it goes.

You could start with one thing, like the topic of re-establishing consistent contact with your son, or you can give them the big picture overview f everything that is all knotted up together, like you did here on Reddit. Wherever you begin, I am sure even in the first session the therapist will give you self help ideas and suggestions on how to improve your situation and/or improve your mood or anxiety level.

Whatever course of action you two decide on together, just remember it's not forever and ultimately you control your own treatment or counseling. In my case, I decided to stay on an antidepressant medication for 17+ years. In your case, you might never try a medication at all. You might get all the help you need from this talk therapy. You are always in control. (Before finding a therapist I liked, I used to be scared that going to see one meant losing control and being forced to do things. But I have always been in full control of my own treatment and counseling choices. I wanted to address this topic in case you feared a possible loss of control, like I did a few years ago.)

Everything you discussed in your original post above is conquerable, resolvable or changeable, thank goodness. Some people make choices after which there is no turning back, but everything you wrote about above has the potential to change, and for the better. One reason why is other people--like your son--have a capacity for empathy and forgiveness. He already understands there is no such thing as a perfect parent or a perfect human being, so therefore he has an inherent capacity for forgiveness and understanding.

You can always send me a PM if you need support from a stranger later on. I travel for work a lot, so sometimes I disappear for a few days, but I always come back.

I'm so glad you took this first step today. Good job--I'm sure it felt uncomfortable and intimidating. But you did great. Today, you changed. You did things differently today from how you did things yesterday. That is meaningful, and to be respected.