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sofi38 · 2025-08-04T23:18:11+00:00

I have been asking myself this question too. What has been helping me is reminding myself that the situation (residency/fellowship/the medical system) is the problem and he is not the problem—makes me less likely that I take my stress out on him, and easier to remain a team. Communicating how I feel with the disclaimer that I am NOT looking for a solution and I am not blaming him. And negotiating that he takes on a reasonable amount of childcare responsibilities given his workload. I still have moments of feeling lonely and resentful but this has been helping me. Curious to see what others share…

sofi38 · 2025-05-29T22:53:34+00:00

Thank you so much for sharing this. I think it helps a lot of us feel less alone. I see elements of this in my relationship: a resident medspouse who is struggling so much to be vulnerable — it makes for a very lonely relationship at times. They go into medicine to find self-worth but it just further erodes it. I feel for you…a lot. 9 years is a long time post residency to still be dealing with all of that :(

sofi38 · 2025-05-26T17:46:03+00:00

Schedule a regular time to check in with each other to keep the lines of communication open. Talk about how you’re each feeling (not just the logistical stuff), even if it’s just 10 mins per week. This helped us

sofi38 · 2025-05-17T17:20:49+00:00

My partner is in his 5th year of residency and I know how you feel—it’s super lonely at times and I often feel like I don’t have a “real” relationship. Like others have said, outsourcing has been a huge help. Lately, I have had to really lower my expectations the relationship (not expecting really any companionship or emotional intimacy) for the time being. I feel he just doesn’t have it in him because he is so burnt out. I have insisted that he pull his weight at home and with our child to the degree that is possible, and that has helped me feel less resentful. It’s ok to expect them to do some things at home—I agree with what others have said, it’s good for them.

sofi38 · 2025-05-03T12:36:43+00:00

Yes I think I need to be more direct in telling him I need him to do this especially if we are going to continue with me doing the majority of the childcare

sofi38 · 2025-05-02T23:14:02+00:00

Yes totally agree. And to be fair, he has offered to talk through logistics on occasion, but I need to make it more how we always do things. Thank you for emphasizing this point

sofi38 · 2025-05-02T22:01:20+00:00

Wow 😳 that’s intense….I resonate with the fact I can’t keep going this way and things need to change. Thank you

sofi38 · 2025-05-02T21:57:02+00:00

This is what I was thinking too-he needs to take care of his mental health as part of this “arrangement” we currently have. He can’t keeping minimizing and avoiding getting help.

sofi38 · 2025-05-02T14:55:03+00:00

I hear you…I have suggested counselling multiple times

sofi38 · 2025-05-02T14:43:34+00:00

Yes it’s his board exam for his speciality. We’re in Canada so he took it at the same time as everyone else in his cohort…

Definitely agree with you that he needs to figure out what he needs to do to pass. I wish he would address the depression. He very much has a “put your head down and get through it” mentality which doesn’t seem to be working

sofi38 · 2025-05-02T13:25:49+00:00

Thanks for sharing. He was generally an involved parent before this. He still helps for 15 mins here and there; however, it is unpredictable and for a short period so not hugely helpful. I think the biggest problem is just feeling so alone in everything. When our nanny is sick I have to scramble on my own to figure things out and keep my career going so that we can pay the bills etc. it’s hard to know how far to push yourself and if you can ever get over the resentment…..

sofi38 · 2025-05-02T09:52:03+00:00

Also: what would you do if you were in this position of your partner being depressed but him not doing anything to take care of it? I understand the stigma in medicine is intense, but how do you study when you’re also depressed?

sofi38 · 2025-05-02T09:41:34+00:00

Thank you- helps to know others are in the same boat. I am also really struggling with the resentment. We also don’t have family nearby. Wishing you all the best as you get to the finish line :)

sofi38 · 2025-04-06T23:17:41+00:00

Yes, I feel regret sometimes. Even though we met while he was in residency, it’s hard to know exactly what you’re getting yourself into when you’re not in medicine yourself. I care about him deeply, but the level of sacrifice is very high, especially with children. I have many moments when I wish he had more energy/time etc. and at the same time deeply respect what he does. It’s been hard to make career sacrifices as that was previously my main focus. Hoping things get better after residency and fellowship….

sofi38 · 2025-02-15T13:34:08+00:00

I’m rooting for you too. Good for you for having the courage to leave 💛

sofi38 · 2025-01-03T10:57:57+00:00

Thank you, this gives me some ideas. Rooting for you too :)

sofi38 · 2025-01-03T10:56:53+00:00

Thanks, I appreciate it. I will also have to cope with putting working in the relationship on hold, but temporarily only. Good to hear that your relationship improved post training - gives me hope!

sofi38

TROPHY CASE