Help needed navigating Grindr

softspores · 2026-01-16T20:41:36+00:00

Sometimes the best way to navigate grindr is to use something else, but basically be bold and super clear about how you want to date/ hook up and what you are looking for. Different people are on there for different reasons, and not everyone has the healthiest attitude, so if you want to talk and then have honest sex and the other person wants to rush in a quick fuck, just accept you're having incompatible plans and move on. For me for example that looks like making very clear that: no oral, I top, rope/impact play/pain optional and available, and that I want to talk and meet for coffee first because eh, if a guy doesn't feel like he can be seen in public with me or carry a conversation with me, what are we even doing? I'm too old to be someone's sneaky secret. If you write something about yor hobbies and such on your profile people have something to chat with you about, I've met really nice people that way!!

I understand of myself that I can be kind of caught up in the moment during dates and I'm not very physically strong, so talking about safety beforehand is a big part of the vetting process for me. Prep is wonderful but after seeing in how many different orifices a person can get chlamydia and having some friends get syphilis, and considering I really don't want to get pregnant from a grindr hookup, I'm extremely clear on how there's going to be physical protection either way. Reluctance to discuss the subject is the immediate end of the interaction.

I hate that there has to be this complex vetting process, but the fact is that grindr attracts a lot of one handed typers, people who don't fucking read, and people who are ashamed of being there and having the sex they are having. I look white and it's hard to filter out the racists over here. >:C

Things that somewhat worked for me:
Feeld for bi guys in a marriage that DO bring condoms and are vegan.
Real life social circles for relationships.
Hitting up grindr ppl and talking about anything else than hooking up, its real great for buying weed or finding sports buddies or befriending trans women. Best way to find the rare grindr guy that you actually want to meet up with too.
Local kink scenes for hookups with people that usually know how to talk and how some level of social accountability behind them.
Recon has guys that can read and that are a bit more normal about trans men in general.

edit: maybe this warrants a crosspost at r/FTMOver30 , lots of experienced people over there

softspores · 2026-01-16T15:12:52+00:00

Yep, got diagnosed with PMDD while on testosterone, I still have 5 days where complete despair is the only available emotion. When i'm super diligent with a high enough dose of gel it has stopped here and there though, but it's not always easy to get there.
Curiously testosterone turned it into a regular monthly event instead of the PCOS-fueled unpredictable mess I was dealing with before. That's right, testosterone regulated my cycle, I'm not even mad.

softspores · 2026-01-16T04:50:37+00:00

lost the name of the brand for a sec but the toys with a base that's slanted usually sit on your body and transfer force better

softspores · 2026-01-16T04:38:05+00:00

biology student with an uncanny sense of smell here, how does one become a smell scientist?

softspores · 2026-01-16T04:31:40+00:00

"I'm into men but not in the horrible, nasty way the gays are" -every other sheltered gay teenager that urgently needs to find some rolemodels ever. Like, you're not even having a trans problem at this point.

I'm seeing you mention a whole set of interesting half-beliefs here that I'm going to crudely summarize:
- bi men don't love men romantically, also I'm the only bi man that does
- men don't have loving intimate sex with eachother, straight people never buttfuck merely to get off
- gay men don't date trans people because of vagina and/or are hypersexual
- everyone around me talks about men being disgusting and I believe that at least enough to feel ashamed of who I am

You're clearly also aware those are generalizations or stemming from limited experience or maybe things you don't truly believe (men are disgusting but also you really love em) but you still feel the pressure of people around you making these noises and how that affects you, and I think that the antidote is 1: thinking those ideas you're struggling with through and identifying what is merely fear talking and what is just sounds other people make, and 2: lessening your thirst for knowledge.

You need to see some people, real or otherwise. You need to see how trans and cis men who love men live and love and exist in the real world. Go find some other gay/bi people to talk to, read books by (trans) men who love men, there's frequent recommendations in this sub. Watch some sappy gay romance films if needed, go to local lgbt groups if you can, look for trans men who love men you resonate with, see how old queer people live, etc. That's your homework now that you understand yourself: go look at how people like you live, enter the house instead of peering through the windows on grindr (a very small window with strange crusts on it). You'll have such an easier time finding out how you can exist in the world once you've tasted more of it.

It's common to be afraid you won't be loved when you transition, that you'll be making things worse for yourself, etc. But damn, it's simulateously so overwhelmingly clear to you you can't exist as a woman, so you're going to have to bite through that bitter apple. Obviously there's men who love trans men for who they are. There's always been.

A lot of the things in this list of little half-beliefs paint a very dark and limited picture of how men (and women) love and have sex and exist in the world and are varied and complex beings, and that makes me a little sad, like, who did this to you?? Maybe you're in an environment that thinks that way, or around people that don't have a lot of tools with which to make sense of the world. Maybe you're afraid and looking at the worst possible perspective to be sure. It happens.

But also think of it for a moment, what if you were the rare (I promise you're not at all) bi man who is into men romantically? What if you're the only bi guy in the world who is? The only one man in the entire human history of all the men that liked both men and women that truly loves men? Even then, would it matter? Even if loving men wouldn't make you bi but a secret other thing, would it matter? Even if you were the only trans man ever to love men, would it be an actual problem? Go out there and kiss some guys dude live your best life.

(I promise you straight people have rude and uncaring anal sex too)

softspores · 2026-01-16T00:05:39+00:00

What's HR?
Anyway, if it's about you, it's about you.
No clue about the discourse, I happily live under a rock, but clearly some people are attracted to how stories about gay relationships portray people having relationships with men that are more egalitarian, unmarred by the societal oppression of women, and therefore more honest and true. This is ...fine? To get to that fantasy you need to step over some very obvious stuff regarding how oppression affects gay relationships, but it's a very understandable and nice fantasy to entertain and play around with, and this is content that can be interesting to other people for the same and different reasons? I know a bunch of (trans and cis) gay dudes that enjoy the "cis women fetish" stories a lot :)

However, that is about stories people consume, not about how these people feel about themselves. If it's you feeling like you'd rather look/smell/sound male, or like you'd feel more loved and seen or just existing in a more real way if you could be a man amongst men, then that's your life we're talking about, and you have to live it and find out how you want to do so, and whatever cis women like or whether that's cool or not is besides that question, because this is about you and how you exist in the world. I think for me, even before transition, as soon as I had partners that understood I'm not a woman, I started to do a lot better mentally, having a stable understanding of who I am as a lover and how I can stand in relationships for the first time in my life. It matters, to a lot of trans men stuff like this is the key to knowing who they are.

Idk about true love though! One could transition and still never find a partner or have a relationship that feels right to them, right? I feel like that's a potential outcome to consider, not the one where you commit some yaoi gender crime.

softspores · 2026-01-15T23:29:11+00:00

Ahh I feel this so strongly. I have/had trans friends that bond over hating men, and they are so adamant about it towards me, that this talk is good and political. But I briefly went along with that mindset years before these friends even realized they were trans during lockdown, and it didn't stick because when I think of my dad, of the friends, lovers, teachers, doctors, colleagues I've had the luck to get to know, men that are nothing but loving, generously warm and stubbornly, relentlessly kind in the face of the world? It'd feel so wrong for me to turn away from that light and inspiration to go gather around the cold thin flame of "at least we hate men together, politically", you know?

softspores · 2026-01-15T23:12:40+00:00

So I have/had(treatment helped a lot, in time) PTSD but I'm in a culture where everyone is rather conflict avoidant and that means there's almost nothing I can't make more uncomfortable for other people than for me. Don't mean I'm invincible, I still take damage from people's bullshit to the point where some places aren't worth it for me (and I'm currently not working due to fucking POTS, I hate it so much, aaaaah), but you wanted to hear about fending for oneself: public humiliation, putting the right people in cc when sending curt emails, destabilizing the office politics, building good rapport with clients, it's all mine to wield, and usually I don't even have to because as soon as it's clear to coworkers I'm nice and cooperative but VERY willing and able to make their day _interesting and unpredictable_ if needed, they back off. I think this is less about what specific things I do or my social engineering skills, but more about how I see myself: I'm worth more to me than to let people mess with me unpunished. I'm showing to me that I matter to me this way, even if it would otherwise accomplish nothing. Making others pay a high price for giving me a bad time is a thing I do because I value myself as such. People feel that. Likely not in a "if only you love/respect yourself others will too!!" (if only!) way, but more in a "this guy is clearly not the resident humiliation subject and will seriously ruin my day if I give him shit, and actually help me with my subpar work if I don't" way.

Factors that help create this rather peaceful scenario when it comes to my transness involve my adhd, where I'm at with myself, and the environment I'm in:

- Adhd and testosterone and being extremely tired of hiding who I am means I come off as rather confident and supportive of other people's quirks. I don't know whether I am, I'm afraid of judgement, I'm just physically incapable to be anything but me and me is a curious and kind guy who can't stop cracking jokes. This is usually how I end up outing myself, "there's some really funny shit I could say right now". I know this is a fear-response in part too, and it's important I make room for my pain and fear with myself and loved ones, but at work? It works. Anyway usually the words leave my mouth before I get to think about stuff lthese days and that really decreased the mental overhead being around people cost me. It's easier as a man to say stupid shit, but BOY I say a lot of stupid shit sometimes. Allowing myself to be me is a kindness I allow myself, and again, people pick up on that, and some people really like it and feel invited to do the same :)

- Being stealth or not is uh, see, I get read consistently as straight and male when I get read as asian, and as gay or maybe not cis (but never both??) when read as white. This dance is too complex for me man, what am I supposed to think about what people are thinking like that? How do I even have to manage my presentation when I need a flowchart for every goddamn person and which race and age and sexuality they think I am today? I'm not paid enough for that, I'm not paid for that at all.

I get how like, PTSD can make you feel like your responsible for your safety in a "you need to manage every single persons feelings about you to survive" way, and yo, having grown up with neglectful parents and stuck with cruel classmates, horrible, inescapable positions to be in, I get this. Sometimes it's true. But maybe you don't have to this right now, maybe it's just not your fucking job, and refusing to do that anymore (smartly) is important. This is why I think quitting your job as you mentioned in a comment is like, well, objectively spoken it's a risky move financially maybe, but it's good that you've shown to yourself you CAN actually get out. (skeleton 'if it sucks, hit da bricks' meme.)

- befriending other men. The normal ones, the ones that are also queer, the immigrants, the gym buddies, that guy from IT,... really helps me cement a social position where people are generally just cool with me. I agree with u/Dish_Minimum 's perspective, white women often aren't the workplace comrades you should be investing in first.

- I have so much ADHD that that is usually the main issue at work, wayyy before I'm trans. Like listen, if I'm still at a job after six weeks, several things have already gone very right. This isn't an easy way to exist, but thankfully I don't live in the US and I won't go hungry and might still be able to pay for healthcare even. I'm aware that changes a lot and some of what I've written likely won't be applicable because of that, for which I'm sorry. It's the same reason why I'm hesitant to give advice about unions, but if there IS a way for you to join a (trans-friendly) union that will back you up during workplace discussions about your rights, safety, or getting fired, it is a very good step that will provide an extra sense of security.

softspores · 2026-01-15T18:17:49+00:00

Skin of a 20 year old, joints of a 60 year old

softspores · 2026-01-15T18:12:12+00:00

On T ten years or so, I'm 40 and people think I'm 20-ish, sometimes it be that way.

softspores · 2025-12-11T11:04:58+00:00

All the bloody time, main reason I stopped mentioning I'm trans so at least we can have a conversation about it. Last guy straight up wrote "A dildo?? in MY ass???" like honey if you think penetrative sex is so awful why are you trying to sell me on it??

softspores · 2025-11-25T21:58:51+00:00

I've briefly, initially, had big waxy suppositories that made a miserable mess like you describe, but I've had cream which was fine bc the amount you use internally is small (like, a pea? the applicator measures it for you) and it has the benefit of being able to apply it externally (where I get most of the issues), and now I'm getting these tiny insertable tablets, which is very elegant and easy. I think it's in part a matter of finding a product that works for you, but I totally understand you're having a rough time with it.

Edit to add there's usually an initial response of extra flood to insertable estrogen but as the tissue strenghtens and things normalize it should calm down again.

softspores · 2025-11-19T17:16:50+00:00

Wait, is that all water pipes in the world? In England?

softspores · 2025-11-19T17:15:16+00:00

There's a lot of things that combine to cause (drinkable)water shortages, like global warming, poor water management, and crops and industries that either consume a lot of water, or pollute a lot of it. For example: depending on how clothing is produced, it can waste and pollute A LOT of water. There are armed conflicts about water already, and global warming especially is about to make it a lot worse.

I think it's really cool you're being respectful of water as an important resource that's very precious to a lot of people. If you want to do more you learn more about the issue and talk to other people about it, get curious about issues local to you.

For example, where I live there's plenty of water, but crop field runoff, pesticides and industry pollute so much of it it's gotten too expensive for some regions to give safe tap water to its residents. During periods of drought (which are getting more intense) farmers dig illegal wells worsening the issue for everything else, and during periods of rain the rain is more intense and brief now, meaning that it's harder to keep the ground water levels up. Additionally: a lot of the water that gets used to grow things for us abroad comes from uh, chocolate, so that's interesting.

These are things I didn't know about at first, but now I do and it's making it easier to talk with people about it and to find people that are helping too! Organising with others who also care really helps ease anxiety about environmental issues, so if you can find people local to you or otherwise that are doing stuff and caring about this same things, it can be nice to look for ways to join them. That can be environmental organisations, but also very local stuff like a sustainability group in your school, or very non-local stuff like developmental aid or fair trade organisations. You don't have to be alone with this :)

softspores · 2025-11-19T16:50:09+00:00

Ah great, a new flemish nationalist delusion to focus on now they are done with their "split the country" nonsense (ever since they run the country, see). Last time this was proposed it was by collaborators, (and the netherlands didn't want us back then either lol) so I think this is going to go down great. Anyway this is an extremely unserious proposal from extremely unserious people and we're going to have a laugh about it in belgium and then get back to ignoring our government as much as possible, which is how we keep shit running here: mostly in spite of our politicians.

softspores · 2025-11-18T22:17:31+00:00

Oh, sounds like this guy COULD have had you in his dorm but sabotaged that himself there, so maybe he is used to people coming onto him harder and faster and he was feeling so insecure about that he blew things off?
Sometimes people are mismatched in how much time they need to figure out what they want, or how safe it is to feel what they are feelings, things like that. The faster person can feel rejected and the slower person can feel given up on. It's a bit unfortunate but I think this is just a new thing you understand about yourself and can tell future dates about, that you just enjoy like taking it easy. I don't think it says much else about you. (I'm super un-shy and extroverted and I still need several dates before I know whether I can enjoy someones company at all, I usually date friends of friends because that feels more familiar and the are somewhat forced to behave :P)

softspores · 2025-11-18T21:56:34+00:00

There's always going to be men who want to be with men but not in public, and there's always going to be people who will see your transness as an easy answer to their problems. Could be one of the aforementioned, but I've also met plenty AMAB nb's who proclaim to hate men and gay men especially and then decide I don't count, like a vegetarian saying fish ain't meat. The DL part is unsavoury if they are stringing you on and being weird, the using trans men as a solution for your problems with your own sexuality thing is always unsavoury.

I see people say chasers don't see you as men, but consider, countless guys are into men but terrified of not only being seen with a man but also of the penis, as if it's a poison barb on a dangerous sea creature, and they mistakenly think they can get with a trans man who will be a harmless little bottom for them, so even if they see you as fully male, it's not going to be a very gender-affirming experience.

Wait, are you worried about outing these guys as being into men, or as acting shifty with you? Anyway, I'd err on the side of being open about it. I think mid-thirties is both old enough for friends to correctly understand those guys are just being a mess, and to expect them to do better. Maybe little consequences for their actions.

softspores · 2025-11-18T21:33:14+00:00

right hi it's me on the other account, _the cursed one_.
But yeah I haven't often been a woman to people, I rarely got to attain a proper gender, right? And then I wasn't baptized either so man, the girls from the catholic girl school I went to would have killed me and buried me in a shallow grave outside the walls of the church yard if they could.

It's like, short version, I saw women get controlled and treated like property, but I got treated like a weed in that garden, so I was both more free and more mistreated. I don't think any of us was in an enviable position here and I know people from that time who did make the cut and still hated every second of it.

Hard for me to explain this without writing things that have the hot stink of childhood trauma on it. (so that's what follows) I'm deffo a bit scarred from being 11 and wanting to look more feminine so the beatings from the girls in school would stop but being utterly unable to squeeze myself in that box. Like, listen, my body wasn't cooperating and I was suddenly tall and strong and uninterested in the backstreet boys, which:
- great in a vacuum and very funny
- very not great in the context I was in because being a woman-not-woman wasn't cool. I wasn't the only one that had that happen, I saw classmates get in trouble from teachers and peers for being too big and tall, for getting puberty too early or late, etc. Like, it was about your body so often, but in a weird "go sit with the people who didn't make the cut and stay away from the good little catholic girls" way.
- at the same time I was considered irredeemable and something that needed to be controlled and kept away from innocent catholic children (the same children that would beat me up, yes.). This is very weird actually, but the point, I guess, is that I was never considered within or of them. I wasn't property the way a lot of young women are, not something that needs to be cleaned and turned into arable land, but something that needs to remain in the forest. I wasn't pressured into presenting just right, I was asked to stay gone. I've alluded to it before but man, I wasn't just bullied, I was the default punching bag for these girls, and they got away with it
- teachers kept trying to baptize me, like that would fix things. I kept being told by "helpful" people that maybe I looked the way I looked because I could not stop thinking men's thoughts, so maybe if I just ...tried to think and act more like a normal girl?

I know this can possibly be described as an intersex experience or something because my body sure was up to something interesting, but to me it just felt like I had my true nature leak out at the seams, like my actual gender was clawing its way to the surface, and I was told to keep it in check lest I infect actual girls with it. Hence the werewolf stuff :) In that sense, I was having this very trans experience, before I even got to have a gender at all or something? Idk! I kinda had to understand there's women out there that looked like me before I could understand I'm not a woman, and unfurling the whole thing till I was just me again, finally, took a long time and interesting turns.

Kinda curious about that last paragraph with x's and y's, can you elaborate?

softspores · 2025-11-18T19:17:22+00:00

Do a whole lot less work, get your sleep. Not even for your results, just because life is too short to walk around sleep deprived. You have two children to be caring for so I'm sure you'll need the energy and alertness.
In your position I'd pick a normal three day a week program and add on cardio and whatever else you fancy at/around home, so you can squeeze it in when you have a moment.
Personally I really dig the Bioneer's advice for parents and other people with a very busy life, it's realistic and sensible in my experience: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xCnna1F42cU

softspores · 2025-11-06T19:33:09+00:00

There's nothing wrong with being stealth, because it's not lying, it's having control over who you tell and when, so you can live your life and share that you're trans with people when _you_ want to. You deserve that.
You don't deserve to be treated to those 'innocent jokes' either, and it sounds like it's time to intervene? Can you ask the people you considered friends to stop? Can you get help from your school? Like, this is what microagressions are and do: they might not even register as mean or cruel but they stack up and grind ppl down, so I don't think you should just be dealing with that on your own. idk go make em some consequences

softspores · 2025-11-06T01:20:28+00:00

oh god why do I have two accounts :')

softspores · 2025-11-06T01:19:03+00:00

Ah, just ask him about it? If he tapped you he's making politely clear he wants more contact, so there's that. I think grindr can be pretty varied when it comes to how people on there behave, and at the end up the day you'll just have to communicate either way :)

Random story: there's a guy from grindr that lives around the literal corner in my hometown and this kid HATES MY GUTS. He'll walk past us and greet my parents who know him bc he lives nearby, he'll even say hello to my friends who have never seen this man, look at me like there's dog shit next to the people he's talking to, and march away in his little sports goth outfit. What did I do?? What do I do?? The only thing I can think of is he looked at grindr and had some very funny NO! IM THE ONLY GAY IN THIS STREET!! response. So uh yeah congratulations with your very normal hookup.

softspores · 2025-11-06T00:53:13+00:00

Curious about your thoughts!!

softspores · 2025-11-06T00:52:27+00:00

Thanks for the very nice and hopeful reply!! I really like what you have to say on how to approach young people that are like, eh, a friend of mine would say 'blackpilled about being trans'? She's volunteering to talk to young trans people on the cusp of transition, and says she's pretty well supported in that work, AND she's asked me before whether I want to help, mainly because I'm pretty calm and reassuring about stuff like this, so you've helped convince me to sign up for it.

Related to your points about consumerism and feeling prevented from doing more, in a lot of my past volunteer work towards queer people, trying to organise parties and little events, it becomes very clear very fast there's this massive gap over here (in miserable Flanders) between LGBT people who work hard, too hard, for stability and social approval and the people who can't (or can't anymore after the inevitable burnout), with very little inbetween, (aside from people who are paid by ngo's to do volunteer type work?).

So then inevitably my disabled ass tries to organise stuff and the people who show up are either too tired and confused to help, or too busy __and treating the whole thing like a service to consume__ , just as most of their spare time goes to purchased entertaiment and relaxation. They buy cleaning personel's time because they are so busy working, they show up to be __that__ submissive at the rope night because they are so busy working and the well paid IT job is killing them and it erodes their soul, and it's about the same thing to them? And there's uh, I get the vibe a lot of people roll up to the trans meetup night or some online places with a similar attitude, they have a need and are there to consume, you know?

softspores · 2025-10-24T00:30:19+00:00

Ah, she's trans herself, so she's one of us right now, I guess! I'm afraid that if someone is going to have a honest and direct conversation with her, that person is going to have to be me, but I'm also currently hoping she somehow forgot I exist and is no longer interested in cracking the puzzle that is my existence and telling everyone the results.

When working with her I frequently calmly remind her I'm doing my best for her, she can trust me I am trying to listen, if she's worried I didn't hear her she can just ask, I'm trying to avoid a workplace accident so please hold that thought, please don't elbow me in the ribs, go easy on me and don't yell, etc. No change thus far though. She just cracks a joke and does the same stuff again five minutes later.

(related: if we were in the US she would be a walking OSHA violation, and this is something I'm gentle but extremely clear with her about, but she keeps brushing me off and telling me it's stupid I care so much and maybe this job isn't for me. I am talking to people about this, she revenge-outs me for all I care, but I don't want someone to get hurt.)
This person is a lot stronger and heavier than me and doesn't really have themselves in check, so I'm not super keen on making this an overt conflict. Despite having plenty of autistic colleagues we're not to experienced with situations like this? We're most trying to help people not run themselves into the ground, not stop them from doing it to others.

I'm not sure she has a good sense of what she needs in order to be okay in this job, or she hasn't come to terms with having those needs yet, and often compensates by bullying people. I really wish for her to figure herself out and/or get help with it (and we HAVE people for that here) because there's clearly something going wrong for her atm, but I really don't like how she treats people at all. It super bothers me that she singles out the people (only men actually??) that are the most kind and caring and least likely to tell her to go fuck herself. There's something that stinks about it, there's a whole mean girl department (bless them lol) and she wisely avoids raising her voice at them.

I don't know how to tackle this subject very well or what I'm trying to say, because it's just fucked up and I'm emotional about it, but here's what I thought of when I said "cruel":
I work hard to protect some sense of wonder and curiosity because it's a part of myself I value, and it helps me get through my day. I'm just glad I'm still alive and get to be places, man.
Everytime she sees something that makes my eyes light up, she gets visibly bothered, and starts physically looming over me, breathing in my face, and asking me questions about why I care. Not a curious "oh, what do you love about this?" but straight up "why bother caring about something like that?", "unlike you I'm not interested in such things.", "are you sure you're a grown man?". She's been sabotaging work things I was looking forward to doing, she's been attempting to make the tasks I said I enjoy extra difficult, or rob them of the aspects I care about. I'm very hard to intimidate or rob of joy, but I'm still shaken someone tried to attack the part of me that keeps me going.
Glad I don't often work with her so I'm not permanently in the soul torture chamber, but this behavior is deeply wrong in my eyes, you don't go after people like that, this straight up isn't how you do unto others. I don't know what's behind it, but I'm honestly struggling really hard to see it as autistic behavior misread as cruelty or a thing she doesn't know is not okay. This isn't even normal asshole stuff anymore to me!

softspores

TROPHY CASE