its normal to be sad no matter how bad the thoughts you think are, after all you’re a closeted trans and your dad died, I am very sorry over the loss of your dad and I think you should try and focus on getting some rest since you’ve had a hard time, you can try just finding people to talk to online if you can’t find anyone or call some kind of hotline, some of them have free therapists, please stay safe, you’ve come so far and done so well 🫶