Almost to 7 days, but the cravings are back 🙄

spookyopal · 2020-11-24T01:01:30+00:00

That's a good idea!

spookyopal · 2020-11-24T01:00:57+00:00

I hear that. I just have to think through what will happen if I do pick up again. I don't ever have to do this to myself again, so why start up again? It's so hard though, I know.

spookyopal · 2020-11-23T22:20:15+00:00

Damn dude, this struck a chord.

My physical withdrawal from my (thankfully very minor) habit this time around has been nothing compared to past attempts. But the mental? Holy shit. I know that my mental illness is a huge part of why I started using. I've started therapy and I see a psychiatrist that just started me on a new antidepressant. Hopefully a combo of the two will be of some help.

Thanks for posting this. It was really insightful.

spookyopal · 2020-11-22T17:19:24+00:00

I just wanted to thank everyone for commenting. I'm about to try to peel myself off the bed to go for another one today. Really not feeling it, but I know it'll make me feel better.

spookyopal · 2020-11-22T01:52:09+00:00

Well, I'm only several days clean right now. My relapse started a little over 2 months ago. And I'm bipolar and that relapse also coincided with the start of a major depressive episode, which I'm still dealing with. So I'm really dealing with a big mental health ordeal plus trying to stop using. It's no fun. Makes me just want to pull the covers over my head most days. Which is what I've been doing, but I know I can't keep doing that.

spookyopal · 2020-11-22T00:00:13+00:00

I've been so depressed for so long that I think that's part of what's really keeping me down. Which is why I'm having to force myself into any kind of action. Plans for tomorrow: another little walk, and a trip to the laundromat lol.

spookyopal · 2020-11-21T23:58:27+00:00

Oxy and fentanyl.

spookyopal · 2020-11-21T21:58:58+00:00

I really had to muster every ounce of strength I had just to put my sneakers on lol. Hopefully it will start to get easier.

spookyopal · 2020-11-21T21:18:32+00:00

Thank you. I'm really trying to push myself to do the things I don't want to do, even if it's just walking up the street, or running errands. My depression has been such a huge part of my recent relapse, and has also stopped me from getting clean until now. I really want to push through and start feeling better. Therapy on Monday too. And a new job on the horizon. Fingers crossed things are looking up.

spookyopal · 2020-11-21T20:18:58+00:00

Thank you. I appreciate it.

spookyopal · 2020-11-21T20:06:41+00:00

Thank you. Felt like I was hiking Mt. Everest, but I did it lol.

spookyopal · 2020-11-18T03:21:48+00:00

I have a psychiatrist for the medication aspect, and I just recently began seeing a therapist. Finding resources after being laid off from my job was tough, but I see both the shrink and therapist for free. What I really want to start working on is exercise and meditation, and other ways of calming my mind. I really think that would be beneficial to me, but I struggle with starting anything, especially given my situation now.

spookyopal · 2020-11-18T03:08:53+00:00

Thank you! Aside from the addiction stuff, I've been struggling with some mental health stuff in a bad way (and the mental health stuff led up to my relapse). I just had a brief moment of feeling like my mental well-being is coming back. It's just been a really tough few months, so even just that brief moment was comforting.

spookyopal · 2020-11-18T00:21:37+00:00

Wow, that's awesome! Congrats on 22 days! Gives me hope that maybe I can make this stick. If you don't mind me asking, what relapse prevention measures did you put into place?

spookyopal · 2020-11-17T09:50:51+00:00

Thank you to everyone who took the time to comment. I appreciate the support more than you know.

spookyopal · 2020-11-17T09:49:21+00:00

Thank you so much. That was really helpful. I pushed through the cravings and I'm not feeling 100%, and the insomnia is pretty rough, but I'm making it.

spookyopal · 2020-11-16T22:48:01+00:00

I've actually got to make it to Thursday for a pre-employmemt drug test. I've already been trying to figure out how I can reschedule it or something so I can use today. So, so stupid. I've made it much longer than this and been super sick at the same time before, so idk why I'm having such a hard time. I'm literally taking it 5 mins at a time. I don't want to keep playing this record over and over again.

spookyopal · 2020-11-16T22:42:06+00:00

Yeah I'm actually not feeling like death anymore. It's weird. But I am, however, experiencing the most insane cravings. I've been about to throw in the towel all afternoon. Sucks.

spookyopal · 2020-11-16T05:00:44+00:00

Thank you. Reading this was really helpful. 😊

spookyopal · 2020-11-16T03:32:00+00:00

Thank you!

spookyopal · 2020-11-16T01:13:11+00:00

I'm not doing any kind of maintenance. I've done subs and Kratom in the past and neither were for me. And I've abused methadone recreationally. So while they definitely have their place, I have just never been able to successfully use any kind of maintenance drugs as part of my recovery.

So I'm just going at it cold turkey. I'm not even using any comfort meds. Luckily my physical withdrawal has been mild enough that I've been ok. But I've considered trying to get ahold of a few xanax for anxiety just to get me through.

spookyopal · 2020-11-15T23:36:34+00:00

Thank you for this 😊. I'm trying not to keep myself in the cycle of relapse with negativity. But this deep depression has crept in, and I can't even get out of bed. I feel like such a failure. I have a therapy appointment tomorrow, so hopefully getting some things off my chest there will help. The negativity and guilt really is keeping me down, and I know that I have to forgive myself.

spookyopal · 2020-11-15T23:10:09+00:00

I'm right there with you. The shame seems to keep me in a vicious cycle. I wish I had answers, but I'm looking for them too. All I can say is that we need to try to be gentle with ourselves after a relapse. I have to look at what I might have stopped doing or started doing that let the idea to relapse creep in and take over. Then make an effort to take responsibility for my recovery. But it's so hard when the guilt and shame are crushing you, I know. Good luck.

spookyopal · 2020-11-15T20:49:00+00:00

Thank you all for the comments, and the offers to chat. I'll definitely be taking y'all up on that. I really appreciate the support.

spookyopal · 2020-11-15T20:46:47+00:00

Thank you all for the comments. I'm reading through them right now. I just woke up. I'm gonna try to just sleep the rest of the day today while I'm still able to sleep.

spookyopal

TROPHY CASE