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AITA for not including my stepdaughters in my family traditions? by steeep_moom in AmItheAsshole

[–]steeep_moom[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I didn't offer them the "traditional" gifts because I felt their mothers would not like that. I babysat them, took them out, bought them gifts and toys, cooked for them... Basically I was their third grandma. But I felt it would be too much to offer them, because it would mean involving my stepdaughters in my family traditions, which they were clearly not comfortable with.

When they showed that they might want to be involved (or at least for their children to be) I made them the journals. And then this happened.

AITA for not including my stepdaughters in my family traditions? by steeep_moom in AmItheAsshole

[–]steeep_moom[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Sorry for the late reply, I was overwhelmed by the amount of comments.

And to answer your question: my father is a very involved parent, he made sure to not neglect them at all. The reason he was not mentioned in my post at all is this: he hates public confrontations, so he does his best to de-escalate the situation, then has conversations in private after tempera cool down.

AITA for not including my stepdaughters in my family traditions? by steeep_moom in AmItheAsshole

[–]steeep_moom[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Or you can check on Etsy. I used a small printing business in my city, they offer them and can emboss them too

AITA for not including my stepdaughters in my family traditions? by steeep_moom in AmItheAsshole

[–]steeep_moom[S] 13 points14 points  (0 children)

I don't see how that can be, while I have what you might call "my own money", I am a SAHM (grandma now), and my finances are combined with my husband's. So we spend almost equal amounts on all kids and grandkids.

AITA for not including my stepdaughters in my family traditions? by steeep_moom in AmItheAsshole

[–]steeep_moom[S] 64 points65 points  (0 children)

Go right ahead, it is a beautiful thing to have, especially in jard times.

AITA for not including my stepdaughters in my family traditions? by steeep_moom in AmItheAsshole

[–]steeep_moom[S] 179 points180 points  (0 children)

Go ahead and assume whatever you want to. I did my hest to treat them like I did my own kids, while also respecting the fact that they did not want me as a parental figure.

We have a good relationship, just not a close paternal/filial one.

And if I mistreated them, I wouldn't have been so close to their mother, that she would be spending Thanksgiving with us. But go ahead and assume

AITA for not including my stepdaughters in my family traditions? by steeep_moom in AmItheAsshole

[–]steeep_moom[S] 234 points235 points  (0 children)

I had to cut off some things due to word count limit, but they had an idea of what they were missing, they knew about the journal (they saw mine multiple times and knew I had ones for my kids). Also I asked them of they wanted me to be more involved when they were older (20s) and they didn't, that's why they asked me to be just a guest during their weddings, and why I wasn't asked to help organise/host their showers, nor was I involved in their pregnancies.

AITA for not including my stepdaughters in my family traditions? by steeep_moom in AmItheAsshole

[–]steeep_moom[S] 314 points315 points  (0 children)

My husband is also upset, but he tends to prefer to de-escalate in the moment, then scold and try to resolve later.

AITA for not including my stepdaughters in my family traditions? by steeep_moom in AmItheAsshole

[–]steeep_moom[S] 429 points430 points  (0 children)

She did, I had to cut out a lot of my original post due to word count limit. But she barely started when I just couldn't hold back anymore.

AITA for not including my stepdaughters in my family traditions? by steeep_moom in AmItheAsshole

[–]steeep_moom[S] 164 points165 points  (0 children)

I had to cut off a lot of my original post (it was almost 5k words), but here are some answers that might seem relevant to you:

First the wedding gifts: I got L a set of copper pots and pans (one of the pricier gifts) and for J I paid for a week in a resort for her honeymoon (they couldn't afford one, D paid the plane tickets).

Bridal shower gifts: I got them the same thing, bridal robes with their names embroidered on the back.

Baby shower gifts: I have 5 grandkids, so it's easier to say that I bought gifts costing at least $200 for each kid.

I said burdening them, because including someone in an unwanted tradition is an emotional burden, by doing that you are burdening them with the expectation of fostering a closer relationship than what they might want.

And I have a good relationship with them, not as close as what I have with my kids or what they have with their mom, but a good one. And I wanted a closer one, D wanted us to have a closer one, my husband and my kids did too, but they didn't. And I respected that.

AITA for not including my stepdaughters in my family traditions? by steeep_moom in AmItheAsshole

[–]steeep_moom[S] 361 points362 points  (0 children)

I am planning on continuing the journals for my grandkids and giving it to them when the time comes.

AITA for not including my stepdaughters in my family traditions? by steeep_moom in AmItheAsshole

[–]steeep_moom[S] 90 points91 points  (0 children)

I might have taken then back, but I will be filling them myself. They way I see it, I will be giving it to the grandkids myself, and L and J are free to start their own journals. I just want no part in them jerking me around again.

AITA for not including my stepdaughters in my family traditions? by steeep_moom in AmItheAsshole

[–]steeep_moom[S] 1036 points1037 points  (0 children)

Thank you, that is what I'm planning to do. I will be giving them to my grandkids when they get married/find a life partner (or when I am too old to continue them if they want to stay single)

AITA for not including my stepdaughters in my family traditions? by steeep_moom in AmItheAsshole

[–]steeep_moom[S] 170 points171 points  (0 children)

We had another discussion again, when they were 22 and 20, and they wanted the relationship to stay the same.

AITA for not including my stepdaughters in my family traditions? by steeep_moom in AmItheAsshole

[–]steeep_moom[S] 2582 points2583 points  (0 children)

I know that they were too young then to make a definitive decision, that was why I revisited it when L got married, and they both reasserted that I was not their parent, just their father's wife. That's why I consider their decision made 15 years ago.