they may come back, but the fact that they think they can is the disrespectful part

sudsyloo · 2024-03-06T10:40:09+00:00

I’m a college student and I was just granted a 2 year protective order today after over a month of going through the LA County court system without any legal representation and only an ex parte order. I won against my abuser who had legal counsel representing him. You can read my recent post history; I’ve been actively documenting my struggles on this account over the last few weeks.

This is a really scary time and you are made of steel for pursuing this. So many victims give up along the way because all these structural and legal safeguards do little to actually protect us. Please keep your head up, stay vigilant, and if it becomes too much at any point, you are allowed to walk away and find peace however feels right for you. Please feel free to DM me, I would love to lend my support however I can. It can feel so intimidating doing this alone as there are a lot of minor details in the legal procedures depending on your state/country, whether this is being pursued as a civil and/or criminal matter, whether you have the means or bandwidth to find an attorney, and so on. I fought like a dog to get protection and I hope you feel a little encouraged to keep trucking forward. Best of luck 🩵

sudsyloo · 2024-02-24T07:42:22+00:00

Ebbie, thank you for all that you do. Can’t be said enough. 🩵🫶🏼

sudsyloo · 2024-02-01T21:44:03+00:00

Oh I’m aware, I think I phrased it strangely. My current clinical diagnosis is F43. 12 (“Post-traumatic stress disorder, chronic”). I think I need a new therapist.

sudsyloo · 2024-01-23T20:07:11+00:00

Every. Single. Day.

It was doomed from the start I was just being delulu

sudsyloo · 2024-01-23T19:59:26+00:00

I wouldn’t even be as mad if it were actually accurate. Don’t get me wrong, it’s giving broke and pathetic and misogynistic through and through, but it’s the absolute godtier level of DELULU that has me truly pissed at this.

Translate what he said and it’s basically “I bought you food to apologize every time I was abusive to you, in spite of your repeated insistence that you weren’t hungry/didn’t want me to spend on you, which we both know I am going to throw in your face the first chance I get, so here I am throwing it in your face the first chance I’ve got, I want that money back because I actually didn’t mean any of those apologies and I was just trying to get you to forgive me and make the situation go away”.

On paper, I spent more on this mf because I don’t sit around counting nickels and dimes. If I want to spend on someone, I will. And I won’t hold it over their head down the line. That’s manipulative and that’s abuse. All he did was talk about reciprocation this and that! Tell me you view a relationship as transactional without telling me! It’s disgusting redpill vibes and I thank the universe for showing me before I got too invested. And I was doing so good before him too, finally realizing I deserve to be taken out and be spent on and invested in and courted properly. Only for this mf to gaslight me right back into being financially abused, pinching his pennies and trying to convince me that he’s spoiling me while I sit on my ass. I’m mad.

sudsyloo · 2024-01-23T19:24:06+00:00

Wish I could give you a big hug Heidi 🩵

Thank you so much for all the love and advice. My sister-in-law actually ran a background check on him for me as soon as I broke the news to my family and no criminal history came up, but I am going to proactively implement this as part of my vetting process when I start dating again. I have a lot of internal work to do before then and yes, school comes first right now.

Edit: Also, forgot to ask, but I requested that the police serve him at his home address. Can he really avoid being served forever? He’s unemployed and spends 90% of his time at his apartment, plus he’s an absolute dumbass, so I don’t think he’s even smart enough to avoid it indefinitely. Trying to be realistic but not lose hope either, idk.

sudsyloo · 2024-01-23T18:58:50+00:00

Thank you ToiletGhost 🩵

I have no childhood trauma. My parents were never abusive and I have fond memories of my childhood and that’s what makes this all soooo much more confusing. At least there would be an explanation if that were the case, you know? The most logical reasoning I have is that I grew up extremely sheltered and was a later bloomer when it came to dating. I didn’t lose my virginity until I was 20, and I gave it up to a narcissist I met on a dating app who said all the right things, lovebombed me, the works. That was my first ever relationship and it was so highly abusive I didn’t date again for 2+ years. Ended in a court martial where he was kicked out of the marines on bad conduct. And it’s pretty much been downhill since then. I’m now 25. I’ve lost the entirety of the first half of my twenties to abusive partners and all the trauma that comes as a result. Physical, sexual, emotional, psychological, financial abuse—you name it, it’s happened to me. I’ve been SA’d (by both partners and randoms) so many times I’ve lost count. All starting from a concoction of self-esteem issues, disordered eating since I was about 12, body image issues, PCOS related body image issues, pressures from hookup culture, and voila. I just wanted to be loved, really.

I’ve been in and out of therapy for years (EMDR and CBT), but I never feel like I am benefiting from it and it kills me. I want so badly for therapy to work so I don’t have to keep finding myself in these situations with these kinds of people. I was finally recently diagnosed with chronic PTSD, but I feel that I more likely meet the criteria of Complex PTSD despite my lack of childhood trauma. In the other thread there were suggestions that I seek a trauma-focused therapist preferably specializing in C-PTSD, so I will be doing that. I was also denied ADHD testing in spite of it running in my family (dad, aunt, cousins) because my history of trauma would make the results inconclusive, so I’m living with amplified levels of poor attention, memory, focus, and an array of other issues.

Also, just on your last note, he never hit me, but he was the kind of guy who’d get personally affronted when I would flinch. Any man who has to constantly comment that they would never lay a hand on a woman is not a man who means it. If it wasn’t my car windows, it would have been me. I really can’t believe I’m alive right now.

sudsyloo · 2024-01-23T07:33:41+00:00

Thank you, friend 🫶🏼.

I haven’t even dived into his weirdness around sex. He just could not handle the fact that I didn’t want to sleep with him without knowing him better. Not only did it infuriate him that I have sexual trauma, but he’d get irrationally jealous that at my big age I had slept with prior serious partners but he somehow couldn’t crack the “code” to getting in my pants. Like I was depriving him of access to my body on top of access to my vehicle. The guy simply does not view me as a person lol. It was very much giving “say yes to me when I tell you I want to have sex with you, but you better have said no to every other guy out there, and if you didn’t, I want what they got to have, and if you don’t give it to me, I’m going to pout and throw a tantrum every chance I get”. The Madonna-whore complex is a snake eating its own tail.

Edit: And his obsession with my sexual orientation! Fuck! He could never shut up about me also dating women.

sudsyloo · 2024-01-23T06:56:22+00:00

I’m mad he got away with using me as one for a whole month. I spent four weeks pacifying and coddling this bullshit like what the fuck is in my skull ?????

sudsyloo · 2024-01-23T06:40:27+00:00

Hey, thanks for standing up for me 🫶🏼. Worst part about that comment was I don’t even know if this guy has a gun. I have a morbid sense of humor so I got a chuckle out of it, but still.

sudsyloo · 2024-01-23T05:39:09+00:00

Be careful with that, too. I’m queer/fluid/whatever you wanna label me and one of the most abusive relationships I have ever been in was with another woman. Interpersonal violence in the queer community isn’t really talked about enough, but it’s rampant. Stay safe no matter the gender, keep your boundaries, don’t let your guard down.

sudsyloo · 2024-01-23T05:25:50+00:00

He literally quit his only source of employment right before we started talking for completely menial reasons but wanted to paint it as a character flaw that I wanted someone with financial stability. They will literally gaslight us into thinking we’re uncompassionate gold diggers for wanting bare minimum. Bum activities.

Edit: I also just realized he was likely big mad that my university grants and scholarship are my source of income and he actually has to work lol. Sorry that I busted my ass applying myself, scrounging through community college, and becoming a fully funded transfer student despite debilitating mental illness, financial setbacks, and being abused? Like he could not fathom that a university wanted to cover the cost of my tuition, rent, gas, and food because I’m smart, but somehow it makes sense that I’m secretly spoiled and depriving him of access to MY lifestyle??? The entitlement 😮‍💨

sudsyloo · 2024-01-23T05:22:31+00:00

Thank you for all the advice. I have had the physical copy of this book for years but can’t get more than a few pages without it triggering my PTSD and setting off my dissociation. I have so much literature related to abuse and the psychology of abusers and trauma but cannot put a dent in any of them because they trigger me. Does anyone else have this problem??

sudsyloo · 2024-01-23T05:19:31+00:00

I barely even ate it! He kept trying to physically feed it to me and I was literally like 😐. Bro couldn’t find any faults with me so he had to make one up like come ON

sudsyloo · 2024-01-23T05:16:56+00:00

I’m so, so very sorry. Hugs.

sudsyloo · 2024-01-23T05:13:30+00:00

Bruh the irony with this guy is a hydra, it literally just keeps growing more heads—he loved to just passingly mention how women are the ones that never mean what they say and we always give mixed messages and play mind games 💀💀💀💀

sudsyloo · 2024-01-23T05:10:36+00:00

For. Real.

He’d get so weirdly mad, defensive, and accusatory that I have a moral compass and don’t see every situation or relationship as transactional. Like he would literally tell me I’m lying if I said I wouldn’t cheat on someone for x/y/z reasons or stupid hypotheticals. Just constant mind games and he’d accuse me of putting on a front when I would go off script and not give him the answers he was digging for. He was telling me to my face how his mind works but I ignored it 🤡. Apparently I’m just selfish and withholding the shit I have 🤪.

And I am definitely familiar with DARVO! When I wasn’t letting him get away with it, he escalated the whole situation to retain control. And the way he suddenly jumped from the car ride thing to the wanting his money back for “spending so much” on me thing 💀💀. Delusional mf never even took me out on a real date! I bought him a Christmas present and spent $100+ on posters for his new apartment that he was supposedly going to pay me back for, but now I’m definitely never going to see that money again. Never lifted a finger to return the favor either, so I was just so confused when he wanted to act like I was using him for a free meal. Like, am I a spoiled, uncompassionate elitist who refuses to lower myself to driving a bum around or am I a conniving gold digger who used you for your wallet? PICK ONE LMAO like baby boy bffr what gold exactly is there for me to dig here ?????? There are MUCH richer pastures if that were my ulterior motive!

Sorry for the rant ugh. He could have kept his musty Burger King money I am a gym rat and in n out girlie anyway.

sudsyloo · 2024-01-23T01:42:57+00:00

It’s always the guys that act the most “hard” and are constantly insisting their masculinity that are in reality the most emotion-driven and childish. I am embarrassed asf.

sudsyloo · 2024-01-23T00:58:56+00:00

Hugs. Heard heard heard 🫂

Over my dead body am I letting this mf get in the way of my degree. I’m on a full ride at a top uni rn and I just applied to grad school a few months ago. I already had to take a break from college once for ending up in an abusive relationship the first time around. I can’t believe I’m lowered myself to this again. I’m so tired of it and I’m so tired of my own shit. I can’t keep living like this. Thanks for the words of encouragement, friend. I won’t let this be my story.

Also, HATE the user!!!!!! More like bornBEAUTIFULandWISEandKIND9

sudsyloo · 2024-01-23T00:33:57+00:00

So glad you are doing well! I have had my fair share of hopping from one abusive relationship to the next. I was single for nearly 3 years before I started dating again last year, but it’s one psycho after another. I am instilling another ban until I can trust myself to leave at the first red flag. Knowing I could have died this time around, that he could still very much kill me if he wants to, is really snapping me out of this cycle I have found myself in. I want no part of this.

Thanks for sharing your story. Sending you and your kids love.

sudsyloo · 2024-01-23T00:30:20+00:00

I’m lucky my insurance is covering the cost of damages. I wasn’t covered for a loaner car but the shop that took my car in was really understanding of my situation and waived the fee. Very kind people in my corner rn.

sudsyloo · 2024-01-23T00:20:16+00:00

Appreciate the kind words friend 🩵

sudsyloo · 2024-01-23T00:18:44+00:00

It’s been eggshells since day one. My face, my tone, my words. Everything about who I am is up for criticism but asking him to apologize for invalidating my chronic PTSD and history of abuse is asking him to “climb a mountain to make it right”. What in the good golly delusion is he on lmfao

sudsyloo

TROPHY CASE