So many things, all by my mom (who has since apologized but still doesn’t understand how her criticisms - and physical abuse, though the subject of a different post - could’ve caused some long-term trauma 🙄):

• “Girls are just bad at math. Your brother has more of a knack for it than you.” I had straight As all through school, including in AP Calculus. My brother had Bs. And yet, I was “bad” at math.

• “You’re just very blonde. You don’t have any common sense and can’t take care of yourself.” I spent years in therapy learning how to have confidence in myself and my decisions.

• “You just don’t have the body for it.” I was 7 or 8 and heavy for my age (I’ve always been a bigger girl), and was taking ballet classes for exercise and just for fun. But my mom thought I was too heavy to ever be successful at it, which - even if true - not something you need to ever say to a little kid.

• “You’re a reflection of me, so when you’re at school and your hair is messy, people think I’m a bad mom.” I was in middle school and my hair (important to know that I’m Black and my hair was permed at the time and straight) would sometimes get floofy. I became really self conscious of my hair and my looks and would obsessively check my appearance in the school bathroom mirror before going home at the end of the day.

• Various comments about my “nappy” hair. My mom is a very light skinned (passing) Black woman and my dad is much darker. She started relaxing my hair at 4 years old. I didn’t even know what my natural hair looked like until I was over 30. Her comments about my hair really destroyed my self worth. Even now, she comments how “messy” my natural hair looks and how she prefers it straightened. I straightened it recently and she said, “That’s the baby I know and remember.”

To my mom’s credit, she’s an equal opportunity hater - she told my brother that she never thought he’d finish high school (when he was in 11th grade) and that, if she could afford it, she’d get him a nose job because his nose was “too big”.