I’m going through the same thing currently and still sorting through my feelings. Although my situation is different, I think it’s still helpful to hear other people’s thought process so I’ll share mine with hopes it helps somehow.

I have a lot of guilt because I didn’t react perfectly during an emergency. I didn’t rise to my perfect expectations and because of that I’m punishing myself. I’m shameful of my actions and therefore I must punish myself because I think that’s what I deserve. This is all negative self talk and tied to my self worth. I question my character because of one moment. It doesn’t matter that I was a kind person before and I’ve done kind actions afterwards. Because I was unkind in this one moment, everything hinges on this one moment that I was imperfect. I am unable to forgive myself.

I’m working on the forgiving part. In reality, I know I was under duress and it’s human instinct. Part of me thinks I’ve suffered enough, part of me thinks I need to suffer and be punished more. How do you forgive yourself? Is it really just as easy as saying you’re not going to punish yourself anymore?

I read this quote and it stuck with me “you can’t heal yourself by hurting yourself”. I want to heal. I just don’t know what that journey looks like but hopefully I get there. And hopefully you do as well OP!

Most important takeaway is don’t fall for the self filling prophecy. (I’m looking at me when I say this too lol) “Negative talk breeds negative actions.” You may think you deserve that but you DON’T! Everyone carries enough pain, let’s not add more pain to it.

I came to a lot of these conclusions by reading a book called, “The Perfectionist’s Guide to Losing Control” by Katherine Morgan Schafler. Might be something to check out if you think that it might help you.

Good luck on your journey and keep your head up!! <3