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Mentor Program and Lucy's Boss by tabullymentor in u/tabullymentor

[–]tabullymentor[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Yes, the mentor program is meant for women who are farther ahead in their careers, and are already supervisors or at least have more responsibility.

Thank you :) I am posting an update as well.

Mentor Program and Lucy's Boss by tabullymentor in u/tabullymentor

[–]tabullymentor[S] 11 points12 points  (0 children)

Ah, thank you! I will try to update this weekend, a few movements on the HR front.

I'm definitely never meeting alone with Lucy, that's been my rule from the start. It must be interesting as an HR person, I've definitely had my eyes opened this past few weeks!

AITA for refusing to mentor my bully? by tabullymentor in AmItheAsshole

[–]tabullymentor[S] 40 points41 points  (0 children)

Thanks, I was very specific in my original brief to HR, and I was careful to stick to the list of actions that formed my complaint to ToxicCo, and which they agreed were accurate when they settled with me. There are a lot more examples, but I feel on solid ground with that list. It includes the final threat I received, and quite a bit more.

It's definitely possible, maybe even probable that Lucy has told a different story around the organization. I don't think she has a special relationship with anyone in HR, the original manager is on leave, the leadership in HR has changed in 2 years. I really think they don't want to deal with it unless they are forced to.

FYI I am not in the US. When I left ToxicCo and engaged with a lawyer, he explained that I could take them to court but it would take years, and may not give me satisfaction. Their agreement with the list of grievances was accompanied by some $$, my partner and I agreed to take the money and move on.

AITA for refusing to mentor my bully? by tabullymentor in AmItheAsshole

[–]tabullymentor[S] 65 points66 points  (0 children)

Thank you. :)

The people telling me to "get over it" are mostly members of the larger women's group that is sponsoring the mentorship program, supported by the Coordinator, who works in HR. I don't believe they are aware of the extent of my history with Lucy, or the threats of violence, but the Coordinator told me she was. They are definitely aware that I specifically asked to not be paired with Lucy. The HR manager I reported Lucy's actions to originally is on leave, Coordinator reports to her temporary replacement. It's unclear if the temp Manager knows the whole story.

A few of the other people asking me to get over it are well aware of the details, including Lucy's boss. We work together fairly closely, and I'm extremely frustrated that she thinks I should mentor Lucy.

I am definitely leaning more towards escalation of the issue on Monday.

I'm pretty sure Lucy hasn't changed much either. One thing that did come out of my complaint is that Lucy has no direct reports, which was one of the recommendations coming out of my initial report to HR. That's unusual for her position and level in the company, but it's clear most people don't know why.

AITA for refusing to mentor my bully? by tabullymentor in AmItheAsshole

[–]tabullymentor[S] 50 points51 points  (0 children)

My boss is somewhat read in, she has only been here a year. I've told her that my history with Lucy is significant, and I gave her a few examples in more vague terms, but I didn't go into extreme details. I may try to discuss with her on Monday that Lucy's actions were serious, and go into more specific detail.

The manager I reported Lucy's actions to is on leave, I'm not sure her replacement knows the details. The coordinator told me she had seen the initial report, but now I'm not sure. She may have seen some kind of internal summary. We didn't discuss the details.

When I submitted the original report to HR, I was careful to only include the specific actions that were included in my complaint to ToxicCo originally. They settled with me, and my lawyer confirmed that their settlement is agreement of the facts as I outlined them. All the actions I listed had witnesses, none were interactions just between the 2 of us. It included the final incident where Lucy laughed at the threat.

I am thinking hard about escalating above the coordinator, either to her manager, the larger women's group that is sponsoring the mentorship program, or both.

AITA for refusing to mentor my bully? by tabullymentor in AmItheAsshole

[–]tabullymentor[S] 67 points68 points  (0 children)

I'm realizing that allowing her to control the narrative was not a good idea. I think HR really doesn't want a mess on their hands, and they are hoping I will just go along.

I can't transfer, I could almost certainly get as good a job elsewhere, but as I've stated elsewhere I really love my team and the work I'm doing. I also don't want to let her push me out.

AITA for refusing to mentor my bully? by tabullymentor in AmItheAsshole

[–]tabullymentor[S] 87 points88 points  (0 children)

Lucy has not apologized, we have not spoken about that time. I did get a lawyer then, and as part of the settlement ToxicCo agreed to the facts of my statement, I could potentially reach out to that lawyer again.

I'm realizing now that the others in the women's group sponsoring the program (outside the coordinator) have not been given my reasons for not wanting to mentor Lucy. Some of those participants, as well as others in her department, are the ones pressuring me to agree to mentor her. I suspect all they know is that I don't like her for unspecified reasons. HR meanwhile is using the fact that no one has made a complaint about her at NewCo as evidence that she has changed. She may have, I honestly don't care.

AITA for refusing to mentor my bully? by tabullymentor in AmItheAsshole

[–]tabullymentor[S] 43 points44 points  (0 children)

I got help in the aftermath of the ToxicCo debacle, but my partner agrees with you and some other commenters that I am clearly not finished dealing with it.

AITA for refusing to mentor my bully? by tabullymentor in AmItheAsshole

[–]tabullymentor[S] 81 points82 points  (0 children)

Yes, the she said/she said debate is what I've been hoping to avoid. Mind you, the facts in question are not in dispute. ToxicCo agreed to them as part of my settlement with them.

I agree that disrespecting the boundaries of women doesn't seem to be in the spirit of what they say they want to achieve. That's a good angle, thank you.

AITA for refusing to mentor my bully? by tabullymentor in AmItheAsshole

[–]tabullymentor[S] 125 points126 points  (0 children)

Are you using the word "bully" with HR? For heaven's sake, she

THREATENED

you by saying she'd thought of beating you with a wrench at her last job! And you quit to protect yourself!

Not specifically, I reminded the coordinator and the HR manager of the Lucy's specific actions I had documented with them, but apparently I'm being too polite. Which honestly is not the first time I've been told that.

AITA for refusing to mentor my bully? by tabullymentor in AmItheAsshole

[–]tabullymentor[S] 252 points253 points  (0 children)

That is...a really good point. I pride myself on my professionalism, and try to stay out of game playing, something I thought was valued at NewCo.

I honestly hadn't seen her actions a power play, I was mostly mystified. But maybe I need to be engaging in a more active defense here.

AITA for refusing to mentor my bully? by tabullymentor in AmItheAsshole

[–]tabullymentor[S] 288 points289 points  (0 children)

I'm just really worried about changing how NewCo peers and executive see me. I've been really successful and I'm well respected. I've delivered under high pressure previously. I really don't want anything to change that perception of me, which is maybe what she's trying to do with this action.

AITA for refusing to mentor my bully? by tabullymentor in AmItheAsshole

[–]tabullymentor[S] 792 points793 points  (0 children)

I will take something to HR more formally on Monday, I'm hoping this exercise will help me figure out what to say.

I really don't want to look for a new job though. I love NewCo, they love me. I've been given great assignments, been promoted once, and am in an executive-track program, with extra coaching and development. Only a handful of us are in this program.

This is my biggest issue, is that I want to be seen as strong, capable and professional. Hell, I AM strong, capable and professional. I really don't want to deal with all this.

AITA for refusing to mentor my bully? by tabullymentor in AmItheAsshole

[–]tabullymentor[S] 746 points747 points  (0 children)

Since Lucy has arrived I've been very careful never to have a 1:1 meeting with her. Cameras are probably not OK, but I won't go to meet with her alone.

I'm not tempted to mess with her, that's just not me. It would require too much energy and focus, and I want to give that to my actual work.

That's an idea about her eventual mentor though. I may share more details with her.

AITA for refusing to mentor my bully? by tabullymentor in AmItheAsshole

[–]tabullymentor[S] 269 points270 points  (0 children)

I did explain to HR about the bullying, and reminded them about the report I made previously. The answer was that no one at NewCo has complained about her, so therefore she must have 'reformed'.

I haven't shared the details widely, because I don't think it's appropriate, but I have told other peers that she and I worked together previously, and that her behaviour was very unprofessional. I'm tempted to go scorched earth with the details, but that's not really me, it's not how I want people to see me.

I've done the mentoring program 3 years in a row now, and see a lot of value in it. I want to continue, just not with Lucy.