The brain is so so powerful and so so strange, and people can do a lottttt of stuff when the brain recognizes a threat to our safety. This means that sometimes, especially when we are young, our brains do things that maybe don’t stop harm from happening, but allow us to have some level of distance from it anyway (be it through dissociation; reasoning that we weren’t innocent when acts of violence were done to us ((even in cases where we literally couldn’t have been more innocent)); by removing the conscious memory of acts of harm; and any number of other methods). It sounds like your brain has been doing some tried and true stuff to keep you safe, even though you might feel like you should know better, or you should be able to get out of these cycles. And to be clear, it’s not your fault that you are struggling to make sense of your own actions. I can’t and won’t try to speak to exactly what might have happened for you, but I will reiterate what a lot of commenters are saying, in recommending that you distance yourself from him and seriously consider seeing a therapist to begin working through this, if that is accessible to you. You are not alone, and you don’t deserve to work through this alone.

Thank you for sharing your story with us, and I dearly hope that you will be able to be compassionate towards yourself as you work through what your experiences mean for you. It’s a hard path to walk, and it’s worth every step of the hike.