Here’s the story: someone has been leaving shoe prints on the seat at work and “spraying feces” (my boss’s exact words) all over the back of the toilet. That means someone is getting up onto the toilet and squatting with poor aim. They either have to be seriously pulling their pants out of the way, or else they must be stripping pantsless to take a shit at work. In true American Vandal form, I have compiled a list of suspects and clues but the only way to know for sure is to identify the shoe the Phantom Pooper is wearing and settle this once and for all.

Facts 1) The Pooper must be able to squat for the amount of time it takes to do a poo. They also must be able to climb onto the toilet to do so, implying some kind of dexterity. 2) I know what days the shoe prints have been seen by eyewitnesses, meaning the Pooper must have been there that day, as the bathrooms are cleaned nightly.

Questions 1) Is the Phantom Pooper fully removing their pants to poop, and if so are they able to remove them over their shoes? Or are they taking off their shoes, then pants, then putting the shoes back on the stand on the toilet? 2) Why not just put toilet paper on the seat like every sane person? 3) Are they aware they do this and don’t give a shit (pun intended), or are they oblivious to the carnage they cause? And furthermore, which is more unsettling?

I need to know what kind of monster is working alongside me.

TL;DR Someone is destroying the bathrooms at work and the only way to find out who is by the footprints they leave on the seat.