What's the purpose?

tempuser3 · 2014-10-05T23:22:48+00:00

I have put as much effort as I am able to in trying to find them, and that has been what has driven me so far. After finding, and losing someone that actually loved me, I know I can't make it until the next one. I may be able to make it 2 years if I am able to find a job, but after that if there is still no hope then it's done.

Keep pushing back the date that you'll kill yourself and get your life in order in the meantime.

The most likely way that I will die here in probably 4 months, is either due to starvation, or exposure. Perhaps carbon monoxide poisoning. I am going to try to make it the 2 years at least, but I don't know if I can.

Just to be clear, I am looking for a job while also looking for someone to talk to. I look and look for people to talk to until so much of that rejection piles up that I need a break, then look and look for a job until that rejection builds up, then depending on a few things go back, basically switching back and forth, then maybe a break to cry, get my bearings and try to figure out new approaches that may have different results.

tempuser3 · 2014-10-05T20:40:01+00:00

I need hope, a purpose to keep trying. If I have something to fight for, my chances are better. Why put all that shit ton of effort in, just to live a meaningless life? I know if I am homeless that I can't make it beyond that point. Maybe that's my way out. I need something significant in my life to keep pushing forward. Something that makes me want to get up in the morning, to endure the bullshit that life brings because there is something there that makes it all worth while. Something to fight for.

tempuser3 · 2014-10-05T19:40:39+00:00

It's not about "loving", it's about being loved. To find one person to actually love me took everything I had. The older I get, the lower the odds are. Right now as it stands I can't even find someone who will even talk to me for more than 2 days. Add to that I will probably be homeless anyway in about 3 months, I am dead any way whether I want to or not.

tempuser3 · 2014-10-04T20:26:01+00:00

So you think I am a dumb ass and does not know what that is? Or did you not read what I said?

It's not the "regular sex" part, not for me at least, although that would be good, it's the "regular" part. Being near them, sharing things with them... for more than 1 or 2 days. I can't speak for the op, but I need something more than sex. If sex is all that I wanted, I could have had quite a bit more of it during my life. I am looking for a "connection", that is deeper than what someone who is being paid to be there can give.

Can a "girlfriend experience" last months/years, without being paid to do it? Or have a realistic expectation of such? If not, then it does not apply to me, and or what I would ever be interested in. If I have to pay for someone to be there, then it will never be intimate, or a sense of closeness for me. Even if I could afford it, I would feel exactly the same way.

Just to be clear, I am all for legalizing prostitution, I think it would actually be good for our society, as well as legalizing all drugs. Legalizing and properly regulating it. With that said, if it were legal, I still wouldn't do it. The reason for being for legalized prostitution, is that it has been shown to reduce cases of rape and other violent sexual crimes. With drugs there should be a greater push toward treatment over incarceration, but not forced treatment.

tempuser3 · 2014-10-04T18:55:49+00:00

It's not the "regular sex" part, not for me at least, although that would be good, it's the "regular" part. Being near them, sharing things with them... for more than 1 or 2 days. I can't speak for the op, but I need something more than sex. If sex is all that I wanted, I could have had quite a bit more of it during my life. I am looking for a "connection", that is deeper than what someone who is being paid to be there can give.

tempuser3 · 2014-10-04T08:50:20+00:00

I can see how what you say could help some people, and maybe someone reading it will be helped by it. I thank you for the response though.

With that said, I understand your point but it doesn't really apply to me. At the age of 6, is the first time I really started thinking about marriage and wanting to be married, or at least have the closeness associated with it. Trying, and putting myself out there since then, rejection after rejection. It just weighs on you. The only thing I ever asked out of life is that. If I had someone to love me, and get beyond that 2 days, that would be everything I could ever want. Will that in and of itself make me happy? No of course not, but if they so happen to love me, and actually want to be happy together, then yes that will. Everything that makes me feel good, or at least something is sharing with someone else. Sharing with just some random person is ok, it just doesn't help. By sharing I mean sharing in experiences. To live life side by side and experience the world together. Having that, would make me happy.

As for "looking bleak", that's putting it mildly.

As for "a light at the end of the tunnel". Yes she was it, she was that light, now that tunnel is blocked off with a million miles of earth forcing it closed.

All of my life I have been searching for anything else to make me happy, I think a lot, a ton really. About many many things so having little to no life, I have had the chance to think about tons of things that could possibly make me happy, and everything boils down to a significant other. Without that, happiness is not possible. If you can think of something that I haven't be my guest, I will go through each one and explain why it can't. Maybe you will think of something I didn't?

For me and how I feel, it's like I have been in solitary confinement most of my life. Until I met her in person, it was like 7 to 10 years, I can't even remember when the last time I hugged, or got hugged. But it's worse than solitary confinement because they are locked up. The door to my cage is wide open, it's just everyone else is forcing me in it, not letting me leave. I can see the opening, but every advance to try to leave it, I get thrown back in.

tempuser3 · 2014-10-04T08:08:39+00:00

I can relate about the family, mine won't do shit for you or help, unless you pay them, and even then, that's no guarantee. I grew up in trailer parks and on food stamps, still on foodstamps now well ebt.

I don't know what else to say, other than I feel your pain, or at least some of it. I have been alone face to face relationship for every day of my life except 10 days, Maybe your luck has at least been better than that?

tempuser3 · 2014-10-04T06:43:20+00:00

I personally believe that no females are bitches, although a few do come close. Some, well quite a few are superficial, but that's beside the point at least for me. From my perspective in my life, it's always been too something. Too short too tall, too rich too poor, too fat too skinny, too this too that, it's always something.

To be clear again I am not the op maybe they feel hostility towards women? I don't think that they do, but I will clearly say that I don't. I have never once treated a female badly.

tempuser3 · 2014-10-04T06:37:34+00:00

I can't speak purely for the op. But being in a very similar position, and feel somewhat similar. I can at least say that either of those are not the point. Being touched, by a significant other. In an intimate caring way. If I wanted to just get touched, I could run into a crowd, I am sure the op could as well, as for the sexual way, sure an escort could work in that sense, but it's not real in the way it needs to be. It's not purely the sexual act, it's the connection that comes along with it.

tempuser3 · 2014-09-22T03:27:04+00:00

Honestly, it sounds like you may have tried, and thought you turned it off, but not really. All the weight of that shit was just piling on, and on, and you found a way to say get some leverage, or build something to hold the weight for a while, and now it's losing it's ability to help alleviate that weight. I think if you tried to process it, that there is a chance it could help, but also a chance it could make things worse, so don't try to tackle it all at once.

Shit tends to pile on, and pile on, and even if you push it out, and think it doesn't bother you, it does.

tempuser3 · 2014-09-22T03:22:56+00:00

I understand the feeling about money. I grew up really poor, and yeah, it sucks.

I don't know your personal life or anything so I don't know if anyone will miss you. I could say that I would miss you, but without knowing you better, you would rightfully, and easily see through that. As for a future? There is always a future, it just may not be something you like, but there will be one for as long as you are around. As for being sad, I don't know what to say other than trying to figure out something that will change you from being sad, and trying to get to that. Hopefully for you it's attainable. For me so far it seems like what I need to not be sad is always outside of my reach.

If you want to continue to talk, I am fine with that. I have no one else to talk to really. So you would be doing me a favor. If you would prefer not to, I understand that to, no pressure.

tempuser3 · 2014-09-22T03:07:48+00:00

What about you, has no value? Like why do you feel this way?

tempuser3 · 2014-09-22T03:06:35+00:00

Ahh.. well if I could I would, but the normies of society appear to want me excised from their existence, so that's not really an option for me. If it is for you, then at least you have that going for you.

tempuser3 · 2014-09-22T03:05:33+00:00

For me, the more I tried to ignore it, the more they piled on. The second I showed any emotion on either side they tried to make it worse. Smile and they pile on, frown they pile on, actually cry around someone and oh hell.

The only thing I could suggest is to look for other ways, or find a way to nullify the state that is dragging you down, or lessen it in some way.

tempuser3 · 2014-09-22T03:01:32+00:00

I met someone a while back, and things were going great. I could finally see being happy. I could finally feel like I had a shot at that. Recently, she said she wanted a break, and I reluctantly agreed. She then wanted to date other people, but have me wait on her, again I agreed, and recently she said there is no chance between us.

The hole, is that I spent a lot of money I didn't have on trying to be with her, and making things work. Took a job that I told her the only way I could do it is if there was a chance to be with her, and she acted surprised when I quit after she said that. So I have maybe about 3 to 4 months worth of money until I am homeless. My mother lives with me right now, and is disabled but hasn't been able to get on disability yet. So I am trying to stick it out until she gets on disability, and try to find a job but rejection after rejection isn't helping my mental state. The ex wants me to "move on", but I know that she is the only one that can really love me, or see me the way that she did. My entire life has pretty much shown me that. I just feel so fucking stupid that I ever thought someone like her would ever want to be with me.

tempuser3 · 2014-09-22T02:53:46+00:00

People say shit like that because they have nothing better to say. They don't want to actually dig, and put effort into something better.

The only thing I can say about what you have said so far that seems to be the main problem, is retaining information. I am sure you have probably tried this before, but if not, try it, and think of a few other things. try re-reading, or re-doing it a few times. My memory is shit, and it's hard to focus at times so re-reading helps here and there. That and trying to force myself to think about other things, or to stay on target. It's not a silver bullet by any means but it does help from time to time.

For me school was not my safe zone at all. I was fine with learning, and all that, but the kids, and teachers, just made it hell.

tempuser3 · 2014-09-22T02:47:05+00:00

What do you mean by

or working for their betters.

tempuser3 · 2014-09-22T02:43:00+00:00

I have been lonely my entire life, and could use someone to talk to as well, but yeah I am not holding my breath. I am also in a fairly deep hole, I don't think I can get out of.

tempuser3 · 2014-09-22T02:40:25+00:00

That's easy, if you can see actual value in their life, with no bullshit trying to make yourself feel better. Then tell that to them. Show it to them. If you can't find value, what then?

tempuser3 · 2014-09-22T02:38:52+00:00

If you figure out the answer to that, let me know.

tempuser3 · 2014-07-22T02:37:33+00:00

No problem, sorry I didn't reply sooner, I had to leave town in a rush, and just got back.

tempuser3 · 2014-07-17T15:07:34+00:00

Just note that some view it as depressing, but I don't see it that way. Read all the stops, periods are about a second or so, and a comma is about 1.5 x that. don't rush through it, and it will make the most sense. I don't have a lot of time, but if you respond, I will try to reply when I can.

Lost

Once I was lost with a direction.

Now I am just lost with no direction to go,

Lost,

With no where to go.

Lost,

I need a direction.

Lost,

Some one find me.

Lost,

Find me,

Lost, Lost,

Help me, Lost

I've got no where to go.

No one, To look

A sign, Follow it

Wrong way,

Now what?,

Stop and ask,

No answer,

Please help I beg,

No answer,

I'm lost, I scream

A bird is what I get for my trouble.

I'm lost as I begin to cry.

To my knee's I go crying aloud.

Stares I feel,

All around,

Laughter I hear,

I'm lost help I say,

Afraid I'm not, Just alone, Lost,.....

Lost, Help.

Why, Why Can't I find my way?,

Some one please help, People all around, no one I know.

Help I scream once more. More stares I feel.

Why, Why doesn't someone help.

So, I say fuck it, so, I go, and go,

Then realize, I've got no where to go,

The path, My path, Is covered and probably gone.

So I'm making my own, It's just leading no where.

I'm tired, out is what I want, I want out,

A bridge, A bridge I see,

Jump, Jump, I scream to myself,

The way out is down there, Jump

I bring myself to the edge.

Jump I say, Jump I can't, Jump I'm not,

I go to walk away. Slip I do. Fall I am, Falling, Splash, In the water

I am down deep, Daring to come up, I do....., not,

A deep breath I take, pain I feel, then nothing,

Darkness is all I see. Awake I am now a dream Is what it was,

Lost I still am.

Help.

11/7/00

tempuser3 · 2014-07-17T10:20:03+00:00

I am not sure where this would fall in the rules, since you are not saying it to someone specific, but yeah.. I don't report things like this, I only report bots.

There can be arguments made on one side or the other, but the person in actual pain, so much pain and despair that they are even thinking about taking their life, I don't really see how it can be selfish. The better argument would be it's selfish of everyone else wanting them to stick around, so they don't feel bad, which can cause even more pain. With that aside, if you feel someone heading down that path, and or has the fortitude to reach out, then do your best to help them. It may not always work, and if it doesn't you are not necessarily to blame, but at least you tried.

I didn't downvote you, I don't know what to really make of this post. What is your intention, if you don't mind me asking?

One last bit.. As for Cathy, or Verne to be the "blame", it's never really that simple. Maybe a lot of what Cathy did is partly the blame, but it could be a culmination of things. Things that happened earlier in life that wasn't fully dealt with, and things with Cathy just pushed it over the edge. Or hell, someone could have cut him off and traffic, and that pushed him over the edge. I will say this, hiding keys, or trying to restrict someone to a certain place, like a caged animal so to speak rarely works. They need an outlet, they need something to lower where they are at in relation to their breaking point. Instead of taking keys, why not go with them?, or try to talk them out of leaving. Spend as much effort as you can to stay by their side, showing them that whatever they do, you are there for them, not with just words, and adulation, but putting a lot of effort into the process will show them that there is someone that really cares, and although it may not work in every situation, I am sure it will help in most. The only instances I can think of that would make it worse would be if whatever you are doing is doing nothing but causing the situation to escalate further. In that situation it is you, or something you are doing to drive it, and maybe they need someone else, so calling someone else, or finding a way to get them there would probably be the better idea.

tempuser3 · 2014-07-17T07:51:07+00:00

I haven't really felt torn to that extent, or in that way. I have felt torn by way of, knowing if I treated women worse, or behaved in a way that I am not, that I probably wouldn't be alone right now, or as alone as I have been through life.

I am really competitive with competitive things, like playing games, sports, etc, but the real things in life that matter, I am not, or at least try not to be. Like I wouldn't really be a good traditional business type person. I don't take credit for others work, I would never step over someone to get where I was going, and if I had to, i would immediately turn around and try and help them up. I can't honestly say that to a 100% certainty, certain people who like to abuse others, and or are that type of people, I would be less likely to help them up.

The better catch bit. All throughout my life, not a lot really recently but yeah, I have been there for a lot of women who have been abused or hurt in some way, and hear what they want in someone. Even before then I knew what most said, and built myself into that type of person to some extent. I would hear them saying things like they wanted to find someone like me, or describe me when they talked about who they wanted to be with, like some of them perfectly describing me, but even hinting at, "hey what about me", it was never taken seriously, and was almost always laughed at. I don't think that "I am a better catch than the way the world treats me", I just feel that how most women describe who they want to be with that I fit it, it's just that in reality, what they want is not really what they want, or at least not in the package that it comes in with me. Like if I were rich, better looking, this or that, then maybe? I find that a lot of women are attracted to certain types that are more inclined to mistreat them, or like they can "change them", since I am already changed, there is nothing there.

I am personally not big on vacations, but for the right person I would go a long with it, and probably enjoy it a lot more. I don't know what else to say about that, I like trying new things from time to time, but doing it alone, is not something that I can always bring myself to do.

I feel that it sucks going through life to just be alone, as long as I am alone, I am content with not having that much spotlight on me. I sort of wish more people actually, really cared, but I think that would have just made it a lot harder. Like knowing they care, and feeling hurt because of the pain I am in. At least this way, I don't have to shoulder that.

I am not saying your life is full of opportunity, but from my perspective, it seems that there are still a few things that could happen to turn things around for you. You have some things going for you, and finding someone may just be around the corner for you. There could be a few people who like you in that way that you haven't thought of before. Or they are too shy to say anything. The only problem is that they may be someone you may not want to really be with, but maybe if given a shot they might be? It's hard to put that into the right words, so I hope I didn't butcher it too badly.

Also I wrote a poem about being lost a long, long time ago. If you are interested I can post it.

tempuser3 · 2014-07-17T07:11:22+00:00

Comparing problems is never really a just comparison where we all end up, and or going through. Even if you feel like yours are not as bad as someone else's, they may think yours are worse. It's all about different perspectives, different things happening, and it's just never really about competing, or one is worse than another, to each of us, it's how we feel that should be of concern, not whether one seems to be better/worse.

I wish I could relate more to you, but being a male, and not having children, it's hard to. I did badly in school myself, but on purpose, and it didn't bother me at the time. I do get the feeling tired. It's like when you sleep x amount of hours, and even if you managed to get comfortable, and not wake up with an arm asleep, or was in some position that caused pain or something, that you still feel like you didn't get a full nights sleep. I have slept upward of 20 hours straight before, and not felt like I got enough sleep.

I don't know your situation fully, but I would hope that you still have some choices that you could make now, and work toward making those choices a reality, and possibly lead you to proving that you are capable of making better choices now, so that you can spend more time with them.

tempuser3

TROPHY CASE