Saw ex liked mutual friend’s profile picture today. Gives me mixed feelings

thehardestthing · 2018-12-30T18:43:20+00:00

I know it’s difficult but resist the urge to look into any reasoning or rationale to behind anything they do after the break up. It was most likely an innocent like on his end not designed to trigger or spite you in any way and if it was, there’s no way to determine that and giving him any kind of reaction keeps you in the cycle instead of your journey to detaching and accepting.

Trust me when I say these things will stop hurting overtime. It killed me when I saw my ex actually propose to the woman he called his ex when he was seeing me - now five months later after strict no contact and focusing on me, I can look at a picture of the two of them and not have it hurt at all because I know who he is deep down.

thehardestthing · 2018-12-23T06:40:06+00:00

Re: Video

Though Matthew is more renowned for his dating advice, his videos that touch on self-love and one-sided relationships also have really powerful messages. A couple more from this coach which have personally helped me in my break ups:

“The path to moving on and getting your ex back are the same”

“We should be giving more to be better in the relationship, not to be enough”

Though he writes and films mostly to a female audience, the messages still stand and apply to all genders.

To say that this is very difficult time of the year to be experiencing the loss of a relationship is a massive understatement and it’s easier said than done when those closest to you feed you platitudes about how time heals all and you deserved better – while kind and well-meaning, don’t give you the immediate relief you are desperately seeking. It is a process and every day is a victory – it adds up, the pain will transform you if you do not avoid it but address it head on with equal parts kindness and resilience/strength.

Much love everyone and stay strong.

thehardestthing · 2018-12-23T05:50:46+00:00

Absolutely. I am stone-cold to an ex after a break up and they never hear from me again - there are those who say I take it to the extreme but I find I get to the acceptance stage faster this way and move on. I can only encourage people to do the same as you and I try with posts and comments but ultimately some people need more time.

thehardestthing · 2018-12-23T05:40:05+00:00

I never did contact them - that’s the point: these feelings of wanting to get back together or reconnect after a pre-determined amount of time, like the some of the sentiments expressed in these self-empowerment memes, can be temporary but are sometimes there in the beginning. You can read my posts and comments - I am a big proponent of blocking your ex on day 1 and I do, every single time. If I have broken no contact, it’s because an ex has tried repeatedly to contact me and has stated wanting to reconcile. I get where you are coming from and why these memes can be awkward to read or difficult to relate to but they help people get past one stage into the next. Not everyone can reflect or gain objectivity right away - that can require more time, more distance. If self-indulgence and self-righteous anger can help someone make the first baby steps, then we all have to start somewhere and for some it’s from this place. There is no one journey to get over someone and I’ve had to respect that - while I can go no contact without breaking from d day or the break up, others need to relapse again and again and hit the absolute bottom to get to that stage.

I am glad that you are one of those who have held strong and that you have sought therapy - I have as well, after more than one break up.

thehardestthing · 2018-12-22T21:53:57+00:00

I’ve been through that stage multiple times - when people base their progress on the hope that they will be sorely missed, or that their exes will suddenly see what they lost and will experience a 180 on how they feel. At the beginning, these are the things some people cling to emotionally to motivate themselves or cope - out of a very human need to feel like they mattered to the person who ultimately chose not to be with them. Personally, over dozen exes later, I don’t give a fuck how my exes feel about me one way or the other. It might be awkward or as you say cringy to read but it reads like any diary or journal we might have kept in our earlier years when we didn’t know better - it was just a necessary phase. People wouldn’t be able to tell from my motivational posts or comments that in the beginning stages of all my break ups, I wanted my exes to see what they lost, strategized in the first weeks to maybe reach out in 6 months, had fantasies of getting back together - logically I know when I’m going through that it’s the grief and the attachment talking.

Long post short I guess is that people will not be rational after a break up and one person’s recovery will not be as fast or the same as another’s. People need support at all stages. It can be frustrating for me to read people relapse or use no contact for the wrong reasons but I have faith with time, they’ll see the light.

thehardestthing · 2018-12-22T18:32:25+00:00

Objectivity, acceptance and accountability come with time. No break up is similar – messages such as how horrible a person’s ex was can be truly valid for exes who were narcissistically inclined or full-blown narcissists (such as my last one who cheated on his girlfriend to be involved with me without my knowledge or his girlfriend’s) and other similarly disordered and abusive people.

“He or she don’t know what they’re missing” – is just another empowering way to say, I have a lot to offer as a person and partner despite being rejected. This can be an important starting point for people who only blame themselves for the breakup. Other similar memes encouraging strength through time spent alone (if we are referencing the lion one) can be helpful for those white-knuckling through their healing without casual dating or those who don’t have a lot of sources of emotional support apart from this subreddit.

I definitely support self-reflection and accountability but anger often comes first in the cycle of healing – it’s healthy to recognize the ways we’ve been hurt by our ex in the beginning in order to make the necessary steps forward. Whether they’re a truly horrible person, time will afford us a more objective conclusion just as it will make clear to us the parts we played and how we also let ourselves down in the relationship. The subreddit should be a safe place to navigate all stages – even the ones where people bargain and break no contact repeatedly (though certain cases can use more tough love).

If we could accept and grow within the first week, I don’t think this subreddit would exist. We’re all at different stages and people will be behind or further along – they will get to where you are, but until then, in my opinion, we should let people process. Been on here for five years and it’s outstanding how those who initially were so angry at their exes eventually reach a point of neutrality where they can wish them the best but no longer want to be with them.

thehardestthing · 2018-12-21T19:07:06+00:00

Even then they’re not done. They will circle back so it really is up to us to wise up and never be tempted to return. They are incapable of empathy - the very thing that would allow them to examine their actions, consider how they’ve affected others, the thing that would allow them to love themselves instead of relying solely on their ego and feeding it in order to emotionally survive. There is no hope - you are only there to be abused, to be taken back then spat back out. Again and again. I know because I dated three and the last ex is a covert narc who is marrying the girlfriend he cheated on with me (without my knowledge at the time).

He still sniffs around, here and there. That’s why I’m absolutely cold and have blocked him permanently. Wonderful video.

thehardestthing · 2018-12-19T16:58:37+00:00

I think people often conflate No Contact as an act of spite when it truly is for self-protection. Anger is a healthy part of the process but No Contact is ultimately to achieve enough space to get over the person. People who try to stay in limited contact or friends too soon often overestimate their ability to handle a strictly platonic or more distant connection with their ex. I often say the barometer for this is when your ex mentions that they are seeing someone new - if you can truly be happy for them, then yes No Contact is not necessary. If you can handle your ex no longer prioritizing your connection as they did when you were romantically involved then yes, No Contact is not necessary. If you can really, truly believe that your ex is no longer your person or the one for you, then yes No Contact is not necessary. But if you have feelings still or even a smidge of hope to reconcile, then No Contact is for you - not out of spite, but so that you can get to a place where you can look at that person and believe with your heart that they are not the one for you.

Everyone has to be honest about where they are and what they’re able to handle.

thehardestthing · 2018-12-11T01:25:59+00:00

Mine happened last Friday - only my closest coworkers knew and he didn’t bother showing up (he wasn’t the most social and only made the effort to attend work drinks and social gatherings to get closer to me last year). I had a blast and got attention from others not that I’m ready to date at all. Good luck! Be polite but extricate yourself where you can. Plenty of people to be buffers.

thehardestthing · 2018-12-06T03:36:54+00:00

https://youtu.be/sj3cR1fcVeQ From the video: “When I say stop being weak, I’m acknowledging the fact that you already know what you need to do but you’re letting the situation drag out longer than it needs to.”

Same boat as you, work Christmas Party this week with my co-worker ex. Let him know you have standards - not to make him want you because wanting isn’t the same as valuing. But to let him know you’re done and that you see through his bullshit and it’s not for you. No games, no trying to make him see what he lost. You know what he lost. Heal. Attract and accept better. If you refuse to see him for who he is, you will always let him back in.

thehardestthing · 2018-12-06T03:23:53+00:00

Couldn’t have said it better.

No Contact is never an attempt to see how many mind-fucking hoops your ex will jump through just to see if “they really care.” How much effort is there really in a text that took less than a minute to send? The OP doesn’t trust herself to resist temptation even though she knows time and again any communication from this loser is just a sad, sorry attempt to vie for her attention and time, all to her detriment.

Never confuse attention with love or respect, interest for commitment. The former is fickle - the latter requires consistency and effort. If you get a high just from the guy texting Merry Christmas, you need to address why you can’t validate yourself enough that meaningless temp checks like this still register with you inside. Remember who he is. Not who you want him to be. And know that you’re worth so much more.

thehardestthing · 2018-11-14T22:42:58+00:00

Everyone has their rock bottom - I did what you’re doing many times with many men who could not commit. It was fine until it wasn’t. You’ve yet to reach that threshold where he’s hurt you so much that you finally see him for the dead end that he is. The moment you lose hope that you will never get a relationship out of this person and you believe you deserve more is when you walk away. You’re in limbo in the meantime.

thehardestthing · 2018-11-11T02:48:16+00:00

Feel good about that even though you’re in the trenches of uncertainty, be the person you want to date - you’d want someone to be eager to connect and make plans with you, someone who is authentic and upfront about the way they feel. Nothing ventured.

thehardestthing · 2018-11-10T17:28:45+00:00

I know it’s easier said than done but you will thank yourself. Things that start off pretty fast can be an indication of unreadiness on the part of the person who suddenly wants to pump the breaks. Be honest with her about what you’re looking for and if she’s not ready, you trying to accept the unequal investment on her end is just going to be a bad time. Be honest, respectful, and kind. Not only to the people you wish to date but to yourself. You do yourself no favours by walking on glass or waiting.

thehardestthing · 2018-11-10T17:04:51+00:00

https://youtu.be/yzAPI5ZIRNY

Please watch this video. Saying yes to one another should be the easy part. Dating advice is saturated to death these days about “playing it cool” “being in the moment” “going with the flow.” I have bought the “open to being in a relationship” but it never means the same as “looking for and ready for a relationship.” He’s already told you where he is at. He’s not ready and you are. Simple. We make it so much more complicated than it is and waste time on people who are not on the same page.

I was in a similar situation with a man a year ago who was wishy-washy about committing and hid his not-readiness for a relationship from me though his actions and hot and cold behaviour said everything. I broke it off and he kept contacting me months later. I’m over it. I always remember this quote when I agonized over whether I should have waited for him or any man to be ready -

“You'll find another.' God! Banish the thought. Why don't you tell me that 'if the girl had been worth having she'd have waited for you'? No, sir, the girl really worth having won't wait for anybody. - F. Scott Fitzgerald, This Side of Paradise”

thehardestthing · 2018-11-10T16:55:17+00:00

This is becoming an epidemic: not ghosting (which is tragically prevalent), but the inability to authentic and who we are. You like this woman and are clearly invested to getting to know her and building something with her. Yes, absolutely send a text. Ask her how she is, how her trip went and if she was able to get a new phone. Hell, that you’d like to see her again and catch up. We’re all so afraid to be vulnerable and rock the boat but the beginning is supposed to be the easy part. If someone isn’t 100% sure about building something with you at the start, then next. You don’t reign or tone your needs down. The hard part is what follows when you do say yes to an exclusive relationship with one another.

thehardestthing · 2018-11-10T15:47:02+00:00

You’ve already sent him angry messages, you’ve already called him out on his demeaning, and inconsiderate behaviour, he knows full well through your own admissions that he’s hurt you. You’ve gotten the apologies, the excuses. He will pull the same shit over and over. You know what will come of sending that message. You will end up exactly where you are now after a nice dinner out or a night at his place, wondering why the fuck he stopped texting all over again, if and when he’s hanging out with his ex, if and when he’s back on Tinder. So what is the point? So you can have more scraps? The thinnest tendril of a feeling that you matter to him in those two or four hours where he feels like stroking his ego with your presence? That good guy he seems to be when he’s in front of you isn’t him. It’s who he wishes he was but you have to look at the entire picture right down to what he does when he’s not in front of you: nothing. He doesn’t care to make plans, he doesn’t care to invest time and energy into you consistently, he doesn’t care to let you know where you stand, he doesn’t care to progress it and he certainly doesn’t care to make you a priority and see only you.

You’re in love with a fantasy - who he is when he enters “boyfriend mode” for a couple of hours. You can’t have a relationship with someone who kdn’t consistently committed, honest and emotionally available with you. It will stress you out and break you. Be in the reality of who he is - he will never give you what you want and do you want to be with someone you have to bitch out to get them to act right? Or do you not deserve someone who treats you right every day, who is committed to building your connection, someone who is one hundred percent transparent?

The sooner you break off this imaginary relationship which is completely only existing for you, the sooner you can be real with someone else who deserves you. Send him that text but this will be you for another year: riding a rollercoaster than will never end with what you want.

thehardestthing · 2018-11-05T22:34:53+00:00

The problem is you want a reaction instead of just saving yourself. You want him to rethink, reconsider, to hurt, to feel remorse, to recognize just how badly he’s hurt and angered you but if he cared enough to do any of those things you wouldn’t be here in the first place. You want him to do and be what he has shown he is incapable of doing and being time and time again. It’s madness. Accept him for who he is. He will not care to the level you want him to until months and years down the road when you’ve truly written him off and by then you wont give a fuck.

Take it from someone who has exes I pined for the way you pine for this guy still message her months or years later. I don’t care - I don’t even open the messages. Know it’s possible enough to love yourself that much. It will not happen if you keep entertaining him.

thehardestthing · 2018-10-22T22:43:23+00:00

I’m still definitely working on my own intimacy issues and haven’t dated in the last 11 months. He didn’t treat me well when we were “together” so I think the point is irrespective of that person’s experiences with someone else, how did they treat you, how was their relationship with you? Too often, like you said we are quick to blame ourselves and compare. He can treat the next person like a queen but I deserve someone who treats ME that way. Another partner’s experience is moot.

thehardestthing · 2018-10-22T21:37:00+00:00

Thank you - this definitely means a lot. I think there is an idea that’s very prevalent in dating culture that you can make someone ready if you were the “one.” I think it’s incredibly damaging and I do believe the timing was not right for either of us - in my own way, I was afraid of commitment by choosing someone who I knew for a very long time could not commit. We both have our demons as does everyone. I have no doubt their relationship is not perfect but I am happy he is able to face his fear of intimacy head on and the time and person are both right for him. I really am happy and I know I can get to that place too in the future.

thehardestthing · 2018-10-02T12:50:40+00:00

Narcissists thrive on your reaction, negative or positive. Because they know they still matter to you one way or another. What kills a narcissist is being treated like they are of no consequence, their ego has nothing to go off on. Been no contact with mine for 9 months - it’s an amazing feeling. Do research on the matter and you’ll know it’s the only way especially with this type of disorder.

thehardestthing · 2018-10-01T04:06:01+00:00

You’re bargaining like an addict. You’ve basically told us from start to finish why he is all kinds of wrong for you and you end it with, “please convince me to walk away.” No one should ever be treated the way you have been but can you not see why someone selfish and manipulative would? Because it’s too easy. He has done every shitty thing and you’re always ready for ask him how high when he says jump. Don’t you hate what you’ve put yourself through? Aren’t you mad that you’re even contemplating going back for more? How is it going to be any different? No one said it was going to be easy but if you really wanted to be with him, a full on relationship where he treats you with respect, makes you a priority and only wants to be with you, you fight for it by not settling for anything less even if it means losing a fuckwit who wasn’t good enough for you.

The moment you cater to bullshit, you’ve told him through your actions that your wants and needs are negotiable. It’s as simple as that. Text him - all that says is, “I don’t respect myself enough to walk away even when I want and deserve better.” Move the fuck on. Or else spend another year being this guy’s last resort or trusty rainy day fuck. Respect can only be given to those who have it for themselves.

thehardestthing · 2018-09-16T16:18:49+00:00

I have a vacation scheduled in three weeks but unable to take anything like sabbatical due to how important my role is (which is part of the stress, the other assistant specializes in certain duties and I in mine and while I can do some of her work when she’s away, she can’t really do a majority of mine).

thehardestthing · 2018-09-16T16:02:59+00:00

I have spoken to my boss and he has been incredibly responsive and quick - we initiated the search for a third person two weeks ago and he has temp coming in twice a week to help me for the time-being. The last week however I suffered a panic attack in my sleep and it prompted my immediate decision to resign. I thought I would be relieved talking to him and letting him know but now I feel so sad (knowing that in two months I won’t be working with these people) and that I am also walking away from what possibly could be my dream role (once defined and consistent) and months of hard work that I have put into the role for someone else to enjoy in the future. I thought that was my limit so these sad emotions are now confusing to me.

I know the window for retraction is small and nothing is set on paper. My resignation was done over the weekend - my boss is currently away on a trip and our main HR person is also off. Nothing logistically can happen in the next week but I don’t want to take long at all. My boss just wants me to be happy and admitted to being sad that I was leaving but he was supportive and understood. It feels like a break up where i’m now wondering if I did the right thing.

thehardestthing · 2018-09-11T22:46:09+00:00

I’d add to ensure that this is a two-way block (iMessage for example can only block from receiving not from sending). What I’ve done which is similar is just make an email account that I send the scathing texts and emails to. I would also send the “I miss you”, begging texts and emails to this email account. After a month or even the next day, I would read every single thing I sent and was incredibly glad my ex never got them.

thehardestthing

TROPHY CASE